Ep 8: What is Dating?

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Rachel: “Kayla, I am meeting this guy for coffee, quick “define dating” for me so I know if I wanna do that with him, or not”.

Kayla: I don’t suppose you found a research article scientifically describing the rules behind dating?

Rachel: I wish there was research proving what dating actually was, but no.
I did seek out online chat forums to “data mine” for this episode though.

Music Intro
Hey everyone, my name is Kayla
And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

Relationship science is a real thing. We put links to the articles we use to make each episode on our website so you can see “where we get our data from”. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27618945/

There is research on the demographic trends of dating, cohabitation, and marriage. Those estimates and trends are published by several research institutes.

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• Begin the conversation: We begin today’s episode with

Your definitions of dating.

Kayla and I have combed the internet, asked friends, and taken a look around society to find the pockets of definitions that we are going to talk about in this episode.

Before we begin, I am curious about your own personal definition of dating. Do me a favor and formulate in your mind: “the definition of dating”. How do you define dating?

Everyone ready? Do you have your definition?

Okay, now I want to ask you a different question: What is the difference between “dating” and “going steady”? Did you just mentally scramble to change your definition of dating?

What if I ask you the difference between: Dating, Going Steady, Courting, Being Engaged, and Being Married?

As a society we are more likely to agree on the definitions of “all five of those” when they are presented together. When we separate them and ask for individual definitions without context, things get Real Ambiguous.

Should your very first meeting “be considered a date”?

Let’s say you are talking to someone online and agree to meet in person…should the first “in-person meeting” be considered a date?

If it’s called a “Date” either one of you may misconstrue it as an automatic long term interest. It may be safer for society at large: to agree,… “the first three-times you meet someone face-to-face” is really just a personality assessment.

Can it be dating if you are still trying to figure out if there is a physical or emotional attraction? Don’t forget some people don’t want to date you unless you share financial and future goals. Did you take the time to assess that online? Or are you waiting until you meet them in person so you can watch their facial expressions and body language when you talk about those things?

If you have been talking to this person online for months: “is it safe to assume it’s a done deal” if you haven’t met in person? What about in person chemistry? The way you may or may not blend together in conversation? What if so many typed out conversations lacked tone and you misinterpreted a lot of their personality?

Let’s talk about the first few times you meet in public. If you only met the person three-times face-to-face “are you really dating or are you seeing if you want to date this person”?

I am going to call the “online chatting” and the first few “in person meets” an assessment. Is it okay to do this kind of assessment of several people at once?

Is the assessment of multiple people “considered dating” or? “dating around”?

Does dating start when you: “sit with someone for the “fourth-time” and say, “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. I would like to date you. Let’s see how we get along”?

When does sex enter this picture? During dating or once you’re in a relationship? Are you girlfriend/boyfriend if there is no sex? Is he having sex with other people but not you “since you want to wait”?

With today’s technology you don’t have to get to know someone “in person”. You can hang out online and get to know them without ever going on a date. Or you can go on online-dates using facetime or zoom. You can get into a serious relationship purely online. I believe some marriages are ruined this way.

You can meet online, spend time chatting, hang out in discord, play games together, and really get to know someone deeply. By the time you meet in real life you know things are working out already and will continue to do so.

My favorite definition of dating came from a 16 year old girl online. She says: “There are likely to be several “candidates” you’re interested in. “Talking” is getting to know these candidates, without making promises. It involves coffee, movies, and casual outings. “Dating” is a more serious tone and you stop “talking” to other candidates. This is when you meet family, go to each other’s homes, and are public about your involvement.

Facebook official?

Facebook, Instagram… There are definitely social media platforms that let you announce your relationship status. But if your partner refuses to acknowledge your existence online are you really in a relationship? Because if that’s true then I never dated my last boyfriend and completely wasted three years of my life.

Sometimes the only way I know if a friend is in a new relationship is if she announces it online.

If you are chatting with someone in a dating app and they seem a little possessive of you…It’s okay to let them know you’re willing to casually meet up with them a few times to check personality, compatibility, and interests before you are willing to go on an actual “First Date” with them.

Let’s dive into the assessment period and get into cultural topics for a minute. There are some people who revolve their relationships around their religions or only want partners from the same culture. Ever wonder why an online chat may feel like bliss and the first meeting ends all communication? It may have to do with things you never brought up in your profile or during the chatting like religion, what race your ancestry is, or your views on political issues. Some people are very particular. Others are open to love “what and wherever that comes from”. My best friend married a man from another country and a different religion! They are happy and set boundaries around religion and learn each other’s beliefs and cultures. I have another friend who would not marry her husband until he converted so she could get her family’s blessing.

My brother is married to a Thai woman. They raised their children in Thailand.

What are the different levels of dating?

Having a crush on someone. That is about as simple as it can get. Hopefully having a crush on someone pushes you to start a conversation with them. This should just be normal talking. Get to know a crush before you decide if you want to date them. You should not be making dating talk with a crush until you have known them long enough or talked normal with them enough to know if you want to date them.

Keep your eye open for manipulation tactics at this stage. I watched the “crush dance” of two young adults yesterday in the library. A group of teenagers were sitting together and the two in question sat next to each other. She showed interest in him. She was sweet, kind, and innocent. He loved the attention and was definitely horney for her. After enough talking she started in with the light touches here and there so he knew she was interested. This is when it took a weird turn. A random girl passed nearby and he chatted up rando girl in front of the sweet girl, making her jealous. When rando girl was gone he steered the conversation into threesomes, partying, and sex. When the sweet girl started pulling away physically and emotionally looking hurt he got louder and steered the conversation into “I mean, if you still want to be friends, I can hang out with you if you’re open minded about life.” He knew she was not like that. He collects sweet young things and makes them via for his attention and uses jealousy to get them to behave in a way they don’t want to.

Be safe and get to know the person you have a crush on. If you find out you don’t want to date them, it is easier if you kept that distance during the crush stage. Then you are not adjusting your values for someone you thought you really liked.

Crushes can happen online with someone you never meet in real life.

Plenty of people meet on Tumblr, discord, scrabble, tinder, reddit, facebook and have a romantic relationship for years before meeting in person. They consider themselves in a monogamous serious relationship and tell family they have a boy/girlfriend.

How many people out there have done this and moved across the country to be with someone,… to find out you are not actually compatible in real life? Can someone have a personality type that makes them only capable of online relationships? I mean, it sounds like a cop out to me when you can flip a switch and they disappear. If you’re only capable of dealing with them “on your own terms when you feel like it”…that doesn’t sound like a real relationship to me.

But it works for some people. There are enough people out there that do this and it works for them and that is all that matters.

To distinguish between the different levels of dating you need to have conversations with the person you are involved with. Language is important and especially slippery in the world of love and sex, make sure you’re definitions are the same. Talk to each other and determine what is happening and what you both want to happen so you’re both on the same page. Be willing to back out of a situation that doesn’t agree with you. If you find yourself making compromises right away…in the first few days, weeks, or months to your inner core values, what do you think the next few years will look like?

I read people’s descriptions about relationships they were in for years and they never felt like it was real. They describe how they were going through the motions but it all felt fake to them.

The different levels of dating are confusing since you can “go on a date” without “dating somone” plus “full-on sex” is now considered “just chilling”?

Netflix and “chill” anyone?

Not everyone considers multiple sexual partners unusual. Both healthy relationship orientated people and unhealthy relationship oriented people think multiple sex partners is normal.

Some people are only in it for themselves and don’t see people as people.

We all know “that girl” who “Dates” multiple dudes thinking no one will notice and is surprised when they find out about each other and get pissed, then dump her.

Guys do this with sex. They pressure a girl into having sex with them a few times without getting to know her, just to see if they want to get to know her. Meanwhile she is getting attached and falling in love.

If what is happening to you, feels like a psychological twist…it probably is.

I find Cultural differences fascinating. My best friend is from Saudi Arabia. Where “Dating” doesn’t exist. You MUST be in an official relationship to even go on a date. Which means there is plenty of secret dating happening. Here in the States teenagers might feel like they have to date in secret if their parents are overly religious. Sometimes a person finds themselves being a secret. If the person you are dating is embarrassed to tell people you are dating: for whatever reason, you might reconsider the relationship.

What about Sex?

So what about sex. When and how does this enter the different levels of dating? Dating can mean zero sex. Dating can mean fucking around until you feel something deeper with one of the holes you’re plugging. Sometimes it can come in steps, maybe your partner wants Oral or Hand jobs but not actual penetration and how do you find that out?

Remember folks: just because someone is fucking you doesn’t mean they are dating you.

In chat forums I have chatted with 41 year old virgins still trying to figure out how to date and hoping for the right someone to come along.

My sister is 37. She still lives at home, still. If anyone out there is super conservative and needs a good wife “I really want to introduce her to you”. God please, contact me.

It is okay to save yourself. You don’t have to engage in sexual activities to catch a man. There are plenty of men out there who want a pure and chaste woman. So if you want to wait then wait.

You can have sex whenever you want.
If it’s on the first date, then do that. If it is once you are married, then do that. If it is when you both share a common future goal and you trust the relationship definition and direction, then do that.

Oftentimes people hold on to their sexuality and virginity because they feel it should only be shared with their “one true love”.

You have the right to wait until you feel you are with someone who shares your beliefs. Someone who shares the same life goals and wants to share their life with you.

Being monogamous from the get go…not dating around can be a sanitation precaution. “Protect the sexual intercoure areas so they are in a sanitized containment field”.

It is never okay to assume what someone else is thinking.

You know what they say about assuming…? Make’s an Ass outta you and me!

If your sexy bits are something you see as precious then you will need to have that talk before having sex.

Please spend time getting to know the person you are interested in, to see if they actually believe what they are saying to you, or if they are lying to get into your pants.

Which means you need to know their friends and family. Determining someone’s sexual character is easier “when seen through the eyes and mouths of other people they know”.

When you are dating someone, starting to meet their friends and family, don’t get so attached that you are scrambling to accept someone as your “one true love” if you don’t like who they are when they are around their friends and family. It is possible for a person to be “exactly what you want in a mate”, yet not really be what they are pretending to be.

If you are new to dating or if your heart is pure please be aware that there are many people that assess sexual compatability first before anything else.

And if you are that person assessing “life compatibility”, “on sex” please know you may have to fuck a lot of people before you find your “one true love”. This is not fair to people you are fucking if they don’t know this is how you roll. This is not an ideal way to date. And many people find it manipulative even if your intentions are pure (about fucking them to see if you want to date them).

The reality is, plenty of people live their lives this way. Every hole they poke they pray: “She is the one that steals his heart”.

My opinion? “this is definitely thinking with the wrong head”.

It sounds backwards to me. But if you have a sexual hangup or specifics you are seeking then it makes more sense.

If this is how you date “then you will enter a stage where you are trying to determine if someone: “should be a recurring intimate partner”. After a few sex sessions you start looking for other compatibilities. And that can be confusing to someone who already looked for those compatibilities. You may go through a period of adjustment where they are wondering if you are crazy or what is happening between you.

If you consider yourself “normal” and you lead with your penis are you stubbornly avoiding true intimacy? Maybe vulnerability terrifies you? If that’s the case, you’re missing out on a lot. But I have “bed plenty a man” who can only be reached through his penis. I feel sad for people like that.

I think it is safe to say “once it is announced on social media” it is officially considered dating. Which is another reason I broke up with my last ex. He was so hung up on his ex wife his facebook profile was a shrine to her. There was no competing with that. There comes a point., you realize it is pointless and move on.

Let’s go back to defining dating because I still have some questions.

Can dating include things like fuck buddies, friends with benefits, or hook ups?

No, that’s not dating

Do people engage in these sexual activities praying they find their one true love?

Yes, lots of us do. Especially people with personality disorders. People who find conversations difficult or impossible.

I want to bring up relationships that have unusual terms or levels of exclusivity such as poly, open, swinging, threesomes, or being voyeuristic. Being in a serious relationship doesn’t have to mean being exclusive. Please note the difference between “consensual non exclusivity” and getting hit in the face with “the brick of cheating”. Your relationship is not poly, open, swinging, or a threesome unless you have spoken with your partner about it and you both agree on boundaries. Sometimes just bringing up these subjects is like getting “hit in the face” with “the brick of cheating” if your partner had zero clue you wanted these things.

What about cougars, sugar babies, side pieces, and cheaters? Some would argue they were dating under these circumstances, others would argue that those things are not dating.

It depends on the individuals involved and if they had a constructive conversation about it.

I want to bring up subcultures that are more “taboo” and not even legal: such as Nambla and other pedophiles. These sickos believe they are dating their targets. Pssst, you’re not dating them. You are abusing them.

Becoming a couple

Inner intent is the only thing that matters. You can choose an asshole and build a fake relationship or you can choose someone who has the same goals as you, which makes building “financial stability” easier.

“The person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build”.

So, how do you approach the conversation to become a couple instead of just dating?
How do you know when your date is ready to draw those boundaries? Where is the magic line people cross from dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend?

Some people won’t call it a date until “it is exclusive”. Why date someone who is dating around? That immediately shows a lack of respect or focus. If your definition of dating: “includes, them not dating other people” then you need to find out if that is also their definition. It is unreasonable to EXPECT any of this from someone without communicating it first. This begs the question, when do you have this conversation, and is it just one conversation or many over time as things develop?

So what happens if these things are not communicated? What if you are too shy to bring it up? What if you trust your gut and believe “they think and believe the same way you do”?

Drama happens!!!

So find the sentence that works for you. Sit them down. And say, “I really like you and I’ve decided I don’t want you to see anyone else. What are your feelings on where we are headed?”

Meanwhile, secretly he is continuing to fuck multitudes of other women because he never said he wasn’t going to see any one else. I have been in this exact scenario many times my friends. Sometimes those words are so important and the first time you get fucked over this way:… you will forever look like a crazy bitch when you seek the ultimate clarity in their choice of wording.

Society expects “romantic intention” if two people are dating. We date to see: if we want to be in a relationship. Romance means people are looking for love. But why?

We look for love for a variety of reasons: To have company, To have a helper, To grasp the meaning behind life, To kill the loneliness, To feed our egos, To look normal to friends, family, and coworkers,

There are serial daters, sometimes we find out we were just a placeholder until they found someone they really click with, some people have predetermined futures lined out that involves marriage specifically when they are 30 or 40 (and not one day before), some people want babies yesterday while others want them in the future so long as the future doesn’t mean any current time soon.

So as in never

Yeah, so as, in never “I want kids…sometime in the future…”

Some people have no clue what they want and are just lonely.

Others have specific desires but they are lonely and impatient. This “trumps” waiting for the right one… leading them to be whatever you want as long as you love them right now. This can lead to slow manipulation towards what they want, or stifling of their desires for 20 years, or those “accidental” pregnancies.

Are there people who match with you and immediately delete their profile thus not meeting anyone else or talking to anyone else until your date? Yes. Indeed there are. But most people don’t delete their profile. So if you do, it is not safe to assume they do. And if you don’t, it is not okay to assume they didn’t.

If you are going to make assumptions in general it is safest to assume other people “have plans” with multiple other people in the coming weeks. They are probably talking to upwards of twenty people on a variety of apps. Why would they turn other people away for someone they’ve never met who could be a catfish or they might not even be into?

And remember there are people perfectly willing to use you as a placeholder until the right person comes along. What does placeholder mean exactly? That means you are not the right one. They know this. They continue to string you along so they don’t have to eat and sleep alone.

Some people want to date exclusively “from the first date” but are not willing to call you their girlfriend until seven months later. What is the difference between girlfriend, significant other, and partner? I personally hate these words, those words get used interchangeably so often, but they have different meanings. It makes me twitchy knowing some people don’t see the difference.

There are people who won’t meet you face-to-face unless a really good conversation and attraction is happening over text, online, or phone calls. They weed out people,… seeing who is willing to focus before risking a date. During the first date their profile is still up and running but they don’t focus on it while they are going on dates with you. They see “dates” as taking a serious interest in someone. Going on a date with two different people in the same week “is not right” in their minds.

Other types will schedule multiple first dates “all in one weekend” and slowly pull away from the ones they don’t have chemistry with. While scheduling multiple new people next weekend.

There is a “big city stereotype”. People in big cities have lots of options, and they will move on quickly if you don’t connect deeply, instantly. Talking to someone for more than a week without scheduling a date means “you’re not interested” or “you’re married” or “simply getting masterbation material from the conversation”.

And this stereotype will see normal vetting behaviors as clingy. What is clingy? What is self respect? What are my rights as a person on the dating scene? Do I get to define what dating is or do you?

When do you get to put your relationship status on Facebook? As you are driving to the first coffee meet? On the first month anniversary of your first coffee date? I mean it depends on what happened that month!!! How old are you? What are your life goals? When do you want to be pregnant with your first child? Are you still in college? How many people have you dated? There are plenty of people who marry as a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that.

For many people, exclusivity is assumed on the first meeting. They assume you won’t be seeing Timothy again. They assume you are working your way down a list One person at a Time.

Buyer beware. Plenty of people are floating amongst multiple partners.

My ex lies on his dating profiles. Lies about wanting a serious relationship so his “pussies in waiting” will be sanitary for him. Hell, he will lie about being single. Lots of people online lie about being single. ((Or are they? Maybe they are single and they are just lying to you about being in a relationship with you?)) Anyway, he focuses all his attention on a girl until she professes her love about two months later then he throws out the bait for another one or three. Maybe he is addicted to the rush? Maybe he is terrified of commitment? Maybe he hasn’t found the right one? Maybe he is bored? Maybe he can’t stop himself? I don’t know. But if you are not meeting his friends, family, or coworkers…this is a huge red flag.

Are you playing games if you don’t know what you want? Are you playing the field if you are willing to go with whatever is on the plate tonight? Is this a form of self harm? How do you tell sincerity apart from conquest? If you have gone on three dates and the other person is still seeing other people, should you move on since they are not focused or even willing to give you a fair chance?

I want to hear from people in poly and open relationships. What do you consider dating?
I want to hear from relationship scientists! What do you consider dating? If you are in a long distance online relationship that has been more than a year, please Write to us on facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

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** Resume conversation: Kayla what is your definition of dating?

Dating is simply the act of going out with someone. Usually a preconceived idea of romantic attraction is involved in the equation.

Whereas courting is to be involved with someone romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

Every phase of my life has had a different definition of dating. Ten year old me had been through a lot. At that age I defined dating as holding hands with a cute boy. I had also been involved with incest and molestation. So, weirdly, sex was not dating to me. That was just some random fun activity everyone did.

Around that age my thoughts were pretty similar, though I don’t think I thought much about the sex factor, just the kissing and holding hands with a cute boy.

When I was 13 and all that came crumbling down around my head I defined dating as something normal people get to do. Getting to know each other, going to movies, and talking. Something I would not learn how to do until I was 20.

My early teens until 16 or 17 were more tame, kissing, holding hands, wearing his sweatshirts, and a little fooling around, I still reserved sex as something for being engaged or married.Things changed around 17. If it was “serious enough” then you could have sex, like if you really thought it was your forever person.

Twenty year old me was having one night stands, orgies, and serious relationships. Whatever was in front of me, I took. Thirty year old me, got married. As long as I had a marriage mindset there was no dating. There was courting. I told my second husband I would not date him. We were too old for that. He had a kid. I had a kid. If he wanted to get married I would allow him to court me. After my fourth divorce there was yet a different Rachel.

I met my husband at 18. It didn’t take long to know he was the one. I didn’t feel the need to hold back with him, I guess in some ways, he was courting me from the beginning but initially for me I wasn’t there. I had just ended my first serious relationship, the high school boyfriend I thought was my forever.

The last five years have been: one night stands while dating and looking for love all simultaneously. From my fourth divorce until this year, I was open to it all. I took each person on for what they were. I’ve gone back to tasting whatever is being offered.

I never had that stage, after a few months we knew we were going to get married. It took 5 years to finally get married. That was almost 7 years ago.

Who wants to have a fully committed relationship with someone they just met and don’t even know? Not the last five years Rachel. This is not a realistic perspective. I’m in conversation with 50 people. Should I go down the list one-by-one making each of them my boyfriend for a week to break up with him a week or two later? No. I’m going out with all of them at once to see if I get interested in one, before escalating to exclusive status. And truth be told I am still seeing people behind your back every single time you refuse to spend a day or night with me. If you want to know where I am, you better be right next to me. If you don’t have time for me, I don’t have time for you.

Do you ever feel guilty or uncomfortable with that lifestyle? Or overwhelmed? I have a hard time keeping up with even a few FRIENDS at a time, I don’t know how the hell I could possibly talk to that many people at one time!

When I am in serious relationship mode I stop communication with that many people and tone it down to 6 or 7. Because I am busy, right? Relationships take up your time. Or they should. I hate relationships where we barely interact. I fall hard and fast and want All your time!!! On that note,

How do you know if your boyfriend or husband is dating other people? It is pretty obvious when someone’s energy, time, and finances are divided.

Of all the phases I have gone through…this year is different than any of the others. Today, I have a year-abroad planned so commitment is not an option right now. And I plan on applying to graduate school in three years. So nothing long term is possible for three more years. The one thing that has stayed true in all these phases is “I fall fast and hard”. If by the second date I am not madly in love with you I will never be.

That’s how my husband is, he knew he wanted to marry me as soon as he saw me. I on the other hand needed time, to know him, his family and every stupid detail.

I love the stupid details. Rachel in love is snoopy Rachel sticking her nose in All your business. I want to know every thing.

I’m on so many dating apps. But I don’t do anything online. Online is fake. Half the people in real life are faking something. I need real eyeballs looking at me and body language and scent to know if I like someone. I need to feel how they treat me, interact with me, talk to me, listen to me. That first meet can tell so much about a person. If I am actually attracted to them or at least not repelled by them during our coffee meet, I will agree to go on a date. Men will get mad because I refuse to let a photo of them dictate whether I find myself attracted to them. They have side profiles of their heads with sunglasses and a hat on and get pissed when I type that I would love to meet for coffee to see if there is an attraction. They always say “didn’t you see my photo?” And I’m like “the one where your face is as small as my pinky finger nail and hidden by glasses and a hat”? After matching with someone the only type of conversation I will engage in is setting plans to meet in person. Why waste time getting to know someone I haven’t met when I am on the hunt? Online is a numbers game. Swipe right on anything that doesn’t make your gag reflexes kick in. Assume their photos are 15 years old. Set four coffee meets per day for the next two weeks solid. Fill in all the slots then delete your profile. That gives you 56 chances at love. And in 6 months when you remake your profile you have access to everyone even the ones you swiped left on before. It’s a clean slate. And who knows, some of those people might be attractive now. I average at 6% attraction. Of the 6% I am attracted to, a few of those won’t want to see me a second or fourth time. When I delete my profile it freaks the fuck out of people. They text asking questions in a manner letting me know they think I am in love with them before even meeting them, others assume I am married and I’m scared to keep the profile up. My favorite dates are with people who think I am interested but I’m not. They are so pleasant. Eager. They can sense something is off but they don’t know what, so they try harder.

Honestly I’m glad I never had to do the dating app world. I have heard some WILD stories from friends who did. I couldn’t imagine having to swipe left or right or whatever and decide on so little information if I want to get to know someone or not. Plus I like I said before keeping up with multiple people seems like so much fucking work dude.

I’ve had sex with over 200 people. Men and women. But that doesn’t make me “up for anything”. I got in some guy’s car I just met on Tinder and while we were driving to our date he stuck his hand in my shirt. When he stopped at a red light I got out. Like, fuck that. I Hate being molested. There needs to be clear attraction from me before any touch happens.

My number is far lower easily counted on one hand. Do you think having slept with that many people has an effect on the way you date or choose to hook up?

I think it is just my personality disorder. As a child I was taught to have sex. So I have this inner permission to have sex with someone I don’t know. I was taught it was normal and everyone does it. Which is true for adults that are sexually active. But I know I am doing it wrong. Because when I have love…mmm, it is so sweet and very different than fucking out of random bordum.

And there is no way in hell I would define my actions as dating most of those 200 people. Most of those were the full spectrum from using for dinner to curiosity based on a conversation we had. I have dated many men for months at a time without ever kissing much less sexing them. So were we really dating? I wasn’t. They thought we were.

So what would you call that then? Hanging out? How would you define something where you’re going out and doing things but there is no level of intimate interaction? Were you leading them on for another reason?

Some people would define my actions as manipulative, slutty, conniving, leading someone on. But let’s be truthful for a moment. When I date a man for five months never letting him touch me and we are talking about marriage and I have zero intention of doing that either…That is straight up, hands down…abuse. That is beyond manipulative or conniving. I wasted his time, money, devotion, and emotions. It was abusive. It wasn’t a game. I had needs. I was bored.

I was going along with what he wanted.

He was going along with what he thought I wanted.

Thank you for recognizing that. Listeners really think about what Rachel just said. Remember Abuse isn’t always physical or saying cruel things, sometimes it’s a silent thing.

As far as I am concerned there are WAY too many men happy to live with you while having zero intent of ever proposing. That makes the field fair game to me. They want to do what ever the fuck they want? I will do what ever the fuck I want.

It’s not just men, I have women I know who avoid getting married, right down to accepting a proposal but never tying the knot. Sometimes it’s so they can keep certain financial situations, sometimes they don’t want to completely commit but still want what they are being offered.

If you don’t like ambiguous situations you need to be upfront and clear. Is that a thin line to walk without sounding creepy? No. It helps the process along. It is faster and easier to sweep through the trash when you wield a broom wisely.

As you’ve aged and gone through life what have your definitions of dating been? Do you commit or play? Tell us about the time you thought you were in a full on committed relationship for years only to find out that was not their definition of what was happening. Share your stories with us on our social media. Don’t forget we have Tic Tok and Youtube.

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*** Finish up conversation: So, you are “dating” someone? What do “they” think the two of you are doing?

I want to wrap up the episode by pointing out the parts of dating no one likes to think about: Selfishness, lies, manipulation, & short term gains. These are real and they are why you should date someone for weeks before thinking about offering them your heart or body. I can keep up a ruse for 5 months easily before I break and run. If you are a serious type and fall for me when I am not interested you are shit out of luck and the more you try the more I will play. I read one post online where a woman hung in with a loser for nine years waiting for a proposal.

It is beneficial for “players” to define dating without involving the peripheral context of matrimony! And those of us “that are worse than players” don’t mind using the marriage card if it gets us what we want. I mean a wedding is how many years away?

So we have a spectrum between “using dating apps for a free meal” and “trapping” someone with an accidental pregnancy.

If Rachel goes on a date with someone tonight, should she have ended all conversations with all other men before the date? Is she allowed to speak to only this man until she ends it with him? Does agreeing to go on a date mean she agreed to be his?

I’ve had people flake on me while I sit at our meeting place. So should I have canceled all other plans I might have made the coming week with other people?

And like you mentioned earlier, “people will continue to date you so they don’t have to be alone”.

There is early dating where you can just stop calling and texting and fade out of their life pretty easily. But if you date them long enough you run into this gray zone where if you want to stop “seeing them”, you have to inform them and it would be called a “breakup” even though you’re not serious with them yet. After you have been dating for a while, if you don’t break up with them by sitting with them and having a heart to hear talk then you are a scumbag.

Are you in the dating field while married? Is it open or are you cheating? What is the difference between sexually and romantically dating around and an open marriage? – Buying a house together? Having kids together? Joint bank account?

Are you online with zero intention of meeting in real life? I have read chat forums with people asking for advice on their five-year long-distance relationship where they never met and are getting frustrated. That is either some serious charm going on or some serious stalling.

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for five years, much less dating someone I’ve never met.

The purpose of dating is not convincing her you are worth her time, but to see if there is compatibility between the two of you.

If you have not listened to Episode One, I wrote it specifically to showcase the physiology behind dating. To help people understand the functional reasons behind why we date.

But we as individuals have to know where we are coming from and where we are headed. Are you in the dating field with an incurable STD?

Like children?

Yes, like children. Lol.

Please take note of normal dating patterns. Please take note when the person you want deviates from these normal patterns. If you are normal and want a normal relationship the dating pattern should be normal. If it is not then you are in a trap that will never make you happy.

There are plenty of us that are not normal and normal dating patterns won’t work. Take for instance someone who is aromantic, which means they don’t feel romantic feelings and cannot relate to love stories. There are successful relationships out there with aromantic people… even asexual people. You need to do what is right for you. Some people never want to marry but don’t want to be alone. Some people never want kids. Some people have debilitating personality disorders but still need to be loved. I would like to invite you all to date responsibly. This can be achieved easiest by communicating your personal protection barriers, your needs, and your future goals. Then take the time to get to know your person. See them through the eyes of someone else. If no one in the world knows you two are dating…you might not be dating.

Share Audience stories/ideas

I would like to introduce next week’s episode “Sex Zombies”. We get into STD’s, parasites, some crazy theories by Rachel about STD’s and horney men. She goes off on a tangent about how STD’s turn human’s into their own host body while forcing us to have lots of sex like sex zombies in order to allow the proliferation of said STD.

We want you guys to submit your ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you. And if you got anything out of today’s episode give us some love, subscribe, and rate us.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

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