Ep 20: Condition Your Partner Pavlov Style

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Rachel: (sound of notification) A couple more photos and he’s going to get a boner every time his phone goes off.

Kayla: “Are you talking about the research done by thee Pavlov himself? “Conditioned reflexes: An investigation of the physiological activity of the cerebral cortex?””

Rachel: “Yes I am, That’s the one!!!”

Music Intro

Hey everyone, my name is Kayla

And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

This episode is our guide to “manipulating a partner into loving you”.

No, this is our guide to teach you how to get real love.

(low laugh mumble) They’re just tricks, to make people addicted to you.

They’re just habits loving people engage in.

Whatever, either way it’s based on scientific research.

Add “Two Beats”

*Begin conversation Want Love?

(dramatic) Pavlov’s Bell. Conditioning Someone: Train them to think, feel, and be, what you want.

Assuming you want a partner devoted to you “in a solid committed relationship”.

?(confused questioning)  These are actions healthy people engage in, in healthy long-term committed relationships?

Yes! You can apply these techniques despite being toxic.

They’re the same techniques people with personality disorders use in the beginning (but cannot keep up long-term because…well, because we have a personality disorder. And because we don’t understand inner personal healthy relationship dynamics, we do these techniques “out of whack, on steroids, and to an extreme” until it’s labeled “love bombing”.

Maybe these are tricks? Maybe they are normal healthy habits regular people use in their daily life? Maybe it is manipulation? That all depends on you. Your intent. What social skills do you currently possess? And how much effort do these techniques take? Given “your upbringing and if you had positive role models in your life” these techniques will either be really easy or impossible to keep up.

The only way we can teach sleazy swarmy people these tricks… are if you are a sleazy swarmy person.

You have a choice: use these techniques to be a selfish dick or to be a loving partner.

Do you have “zero intent” of keeping up the positive interactions we are about to teach you?

If you “have a personality disorder, are just an asshole, a narcissist, have low self esteem, or had zero positive role models growing up”…these techniques are probably techniques you’ve used to your advantage. How are these same techniques used by healthy people?

They use them for their partner’s advantage, ie, they give them freely just to make the other person happy.

And they continue to give freely over a very long period of time, (like say, 20 – 50 years). It’s up to you whether you turn these techniques into a lifelong positive streak or if you give up and choose to be self absorbed.

1. If you are a:  sleaze-bag, douche fucker…    !Healthy people will pick up on that/ the very second you slip up.
2. If you’re a broken, damaged person like me, and a narcissist uses these techniques on you…you will fall for these techniques and pine away for what you thought was real for years on end, never getting the clue when you know full well you were duped.

If you are an abusive user, hoping to gather new techniques for an easy lay…we don’t have anything new for you, here today. Just the same shit humans have been telling each other for thousands of years. Which is why we suggest a life long shift in a positive direction with these techniques.

It’s not a diet to get you laid quickly. It is a life focus.

Technique One: Take your time – It’s not a race, just like most girls will take around 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay to make them orgasm, there is an equally important build up to conditioning someone. Read any published research on classical conditioning “to understand the time commitment needed here”. They call it a timeline for a reason. It takes time, devotion, commitment, and energy. There are no “fast passes” to training a dog, mouse, or a partner.

The three stages of classical conditioning are “before acquisition”, “acquisition”, and “after acquisition”.

How long does it take to condition a person, Kayla?

According to a 2009 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, it takes 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit. The study also concluded that, on average, it takes 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. So, whether you are focused on changing yourself with these techniques or just getting someone to love you, it could take a year or it could happen in two weeks.

Damn humans…so diverse…

Why practice the techniques in this episode? Practice develops habits. And when it is your habit to engage in behaviors that cause a person to really like you, then you can only benefit from your new habits.

Eventually, you will need to learn how to connect emotionally with people and pursue them naturally.

Or, if you practice these techniques long enough until it becomes your inner nature, then maybe you learned how to connect emotionally without realizing it.

Technique two: Do something pleasant. Do it on a set schedule, so they look forward to you. It needs to be done often enough that they equate it with you. Once-a-week is definitely not going to condition someone. Daily is best. And at the same set hour. Like clockwork.

M’k. Like what?

Like a text. Text is easiest,

phone calls go deeper to the cellular level because it includes your voice.

True, phone calls establish a more intimate bond. This is going to depend on your and their levels of introvert vs extrovert-ness. I don’t recommend purely texting unless you are both deathly introverted and shy. The more normal you are the more you are going to want to use phone calls.

My husband calls me everyday during the week around lunch time. We chat about our day and what is happening tonight plus we figure out what dinner will be. I don’t necessarily look forward to it or think about it unless he doesn’t call or calls later than usual. Then I do get anxiety and fear wondering if something is wrong or if he is okay. I think the phone call is important to our relationship because it keeps us connected and on the same page about what is happening or should happen that day.

It is a slow start with a text a day with a phone call every few days ramping up slowly over time as the relationship progresses normally. i.e. The more time that goes by the more you contact them until you have established a good mix of three phone contacts per day.

What is a good mix?

A “good morning” text, either a text or short quick phone call on your lunch break, a “good night” text or a longer phone call before bedtime.

When my hubby and I first got together we started sending each other sweet little x’s and o’s throughout the day, we still do. Knowing he thinks about me during the day makes me feel important and loved. I need that connection. As time goes by some people push for more phone time. How do you navigate that if you are not someone who likes to be bugged all day? How do you establish boundaries?

Communication!

Exactly. Use communication to communicate that you don’t like to communicate. Basically, make sure you let them know firmly, exactly what phone time you are willing to commit to, and then don’t be a dick and make them beg for that. (That doesn’t condition anyone.) That will piss her off and make her dry up. Eagerly give the phone time you both agreed to.

The truth is, getting phone notifications give you a mini “high” that is similar to your brain on cocaine. Your brain releases dopamine and other feel-good chemicals, reinforcing the notification with the feeling of being loved by someone.

Cell phone addiction, also known as “nomophobia” . Nomophobia, what kind of word is that? Is it like No Mo Phone? Lol. Some of these terms are funny. Nomophobia is the fear of being without your phone, and as someone who loves her phone, this phobia is real. All of our app notifications keep us addicted to our phones.

It’s pretty easy to understand someone being even more dependent on their phone if they are equating it to “their source of love”. If they know you text every day at noon, then when noon rolls around their body will panic if they can’t find their phone.

Cell phone use mirrors addiction. But, it’s not formally recognized as a clinical diagnosis yet. In today’s society we cannot function without a phone. Everything we need is in our phones. Is that addiction? or is it necessity? That depends. Can you function? Can you have your phone on you and still do your job, homework, interact with your children, spouse? Or are you glued to it because it is literally more interesting than living your own life? Are you slacking at work to be on your phone, are your grades slipping, is your future being tended to or are you neglecting everything in your life so you can interact with online stimuli or people that are not growing your personal circle of health?

I have a flip phone. I don’t have internet for it. It just calls and texts and I have the settings chosen to refuse images in a text. I drop it in my backpack, lose it for days, and tend to check messages once a week unless I am actively in a relationship with someone I like. Usually I am in relationships with people I don’t like which is why I enjoy losing my phone. I think the only thing I am addicted to online is reddit. When I open that shit nine hours will pass without me even noticing. The only thing that clues me into time passing is having to pee. And I kid you not I will sit there glued to that damn computer reading reddit posts for an hour after I register that I have to pee really really bad. Like I could bring the damn laptop to the toilet with me but no, I sit there clicking and reading like a junky.

Neuroimaging has shown parallels between smartphone addiction and other addictions.

So, the point of all this is to say that phone addiction is real. Slide into that niche and let your love interest be addicted to you through their phone. Be the notification that comes in everyday at noon.

And what happens if you are inconsistent? Say you establish this bond for a few weeks and then stop? Let’s look at a cow’s udders as a metaphor. Cow’s milk comes in at 5am and 5pm. You’ve worked hard to make the udders ready at 5am and 5pm. Cows do really well with routine! Going too long between milkings should not happen. If a cow is neglected, her udders will get too full, cause bruising, infection, and, if it continues to be ignored or neglected, could result in death. Death of your relationship. There is a standard of care that is given to dairy cows. Do not neglect or ignore an established routine.

Pavlov’s dog salivated to the ringing of a bell.

Pavlov rang the bell, then fed the dogs’.

Repeatedly pairing the food and bell “established a Conditioned Response”.

Eventually Pavlov could ring the bell and the dog would salivate.

Men love porn and nudie photos so if you pair your nudes with his phone notification that man gonna salivate. This technique will never lead to love from a man. But it will addict him to your nudes. Its much easier to addict a woman to you through her phone by sending her romantic texts telling her you miss her and how much (non sexually) you are thinking of her. I mean you can text her sex stuff too. But she will just feel used. If you are looking to get her hooked on you, be romantic.

We all know when it’s time to get off work even when we’re not looking at a clock. That anticipation is real. Circadian rhythm is a physical, mental, and behavioral change that follows a 24-hour cycle. This natural process uses light and dark “to time biological effects”. Most living creatures use Circadian rhythms, including animals, plants, and microbes, fungi. We are no different.

Time, set times, and being on time, is something our body is attuned to.

When I am at work I can feel the day dragging on and my body knows exactly when the day is almost over. The phone call from my hubby really breaks up the day and adds some relief. Chrono biology is the study of circadian rhythms. We all have this biological clock. Nearly every tissue and organ in your body uses it. Researchers have identified the genes behind the clocks’ molecular components. All of these little cellular clocks have a single master clock in your brain.

Your brain coordinates all the little biological clocks, keeping them in sync. The part of the brain that does this, is a little group of neurons called the supra chiasmatic nucleus. The supra chiasmatic nucleus gets its instructions from the eyes or from light detection.

Addicting someone to you should only take a few weeks of consistency. The hour before said interaction they will have a biochemical reaction anticipating you on a physiological unconscious level. Do it right and they will be sad on the days it doesn’t happen. Be consistent until they are hooked or they won’t reach out when you pull back to test if they respond to your absence.

I used to work at a Renaissance Festival and there was a specific stage actor that would walk by our booth at the exact same time every Saturday and Sunday. He had a sunny disposition and was super friendly to everyone as he passed. I got the hugest crush on this guy. But it was a weird crush because I had good reason to not like him. I did not like this guy. But…the entire 8 weeks this conditioning was taking place I knew I was being pavloved. Not on purpose by him. This guy had no idea the effect he was having on me. But I seriously looked forward to him walking by everyday. He was so cheerful. And…when I would run into him during the week (out and about) my body would physically respond to seeing him with a crushing blushing rush of hormonal goo that would piss me off because I didn’t like him.

Technique three: map yourself into their mind. In episode three we detail brain mapping. Brain mapping is a result of the outside world getting mapped onto our brains.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Simplify the world around you into pixels. Each pixel of light, sound, taste, touch, and scent is directed to your brain along its own nerve to its own neuron creating a map in your brain, of the world.

You are pixels of sight, sound, taste, touch, and scent. Which means you can be mapped onto another person’s brain. Why is it so painful to break up with someone after you dated for years? The neuronal pathways in your head that were formed around that person for years no longer have “their voice” activating them, no longer have that scent, that specific touch, the taste of that person is gone, being replaced with other tastes. Your brain is rewiring. The map in your brain of that person is useless. It is no longer being activated. Your brain has to prune away those deserted paths.

So how do you (as the interested party) get yourself mapped onto their brain? A “full brain take-over” results from a factor of complex interaction. Five to be precise.

Your five senses?

Your five senses

Talk, sing, and whisper, your way into their brain. I have an ex that gave me mixed tapes and introduced me to songs I still like. And when I hear those songs I think about him. I don’t want to. But, it is ingrained.

I had a few boyfriends that hated to talk in general. Their voices never got ingrained into my mind while other boyfriends who are chatter boxes during the day and vocal with me during sex, really get in deep to my pshyce. I crave the sound of their voice if I don’t hear it for a day or two. Hell, I think I am pavloved by you Kayla. If a week goes by and I don’t video chat with you I get depressed straight up for real at this point.

We all know scent is tied to memory

Wear the same scent including shampoo, soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent so they relate that scent to “thoughts of you”. Be associated with the smell of certain foods. When they smell a certain food, let that food remind them of a super fun cooking night you shared together or a favorite meal. Fart, burp, and B.O. your way onto their brain.

The more shy a guy is with me the more difficult it is to relax with him and be myself. Your comment about farting and burping is gross but true. When you are fully integrated into someone’s life it is okay to have bodily functions. I can’t imagine being in a relationship that is stand offish and people are afraid to take a shit in their own house for fear their spouse will smell it. The more you put yourself into someone’s brain the more okay everything you do is, including body functions.

Is there a certain touch your hubby does like hold a certain body part a certain way or cuddles a specific way? Every guy I have been with has peculiar ways of touching or holding me if we are comfortable with each other. Like they all have their own way of nestling in. One guy would rub my ear like a banky and smell my neck as we fell asleep every night. I still miss that.

Yeah, my hubby holds my [   ]  Have a specific touch you give that maps you onto their brain. You don’t have to agonize over finding the perfect touch to use. Just find what feels really good between the two of you and own it. Make it a thing. The more you touch them, the larger space you take up in their sensory cortex:  an area of the brain that processes information about touch and other senses. Every spot on their body has a location in their brain. Make a point of touching every inch of their body to touch every inch of their brain. And not just dry touch. Not just boring touch. Kiss, lick, slurp, slobber, nibble, bite, scratch, pet, pinch, pull, push, prod, drum beat tippity tap tap tap

“What can I say, except you’re welcome”, your way onto their brain.

Build memories of taste. One of my husbands loved taking me out to sushi. We both love sashimi. One day we were talking about the best sushi restaurant, the freshest fish, and how good it tastes. He admitted one of the reasons he specifically liked salmon was it reminded him of eating out a girl. But the salmon had to be fresh for the exact texture to be right. And to this day, when I get perfect sushi I think of him every time. Put taste in their brain and associate it with your face, your voice, your touch. Mix and match all of these senses to burrow deep into their survival neurons.

Sight takes up a large portion of our brains. You can be seen in real life, live, in person. You can send them photographs on their phones. You can print a photo of the two of you and put it in their house on a wall, mirror, or bed stand. Do video calls with them instead of always texting. Give them your shirt or hoodie. Why?

It’s a visual, scent, and touch mixture girls just die for. It’s the same thing as wrapping them up in a warm hug all day that smells just like you. I was rummaging through a bunch of old boxes in my basement and came across an old sweatshirt of my ex. It flooded me with memories. Some good, some bad. But it was pretty strong… pulling that out of a box after all these years.

Is the person you are wooing de mapping someone else?

This is why healthy people take time after a break up.

They are de mapping their ex. And that takes time. It takes time to map someone in and out of your brain.

Does the person you are wooing have a current map of someone else or many other somebody else’s’?

Is their brain full? Full of maps of other people’s scent, taste, touch, or sounds? If you are mapping yourself onto five neurons in their brain, that is five paths. If you and three other people are all mapping onto those five or creating 20 new pathways in a brain, that gets a bit jumbled and busy.

And if you don’t stick around long enough to map anything, that might explain your feelings of detachment. It all depends on your level of comfort of having someone else take over your mind.

Maybe you feel like “a parasite is taking over your thoughts” if you get too close to someone? Maybe you are like me and feel alone in an echo chamber of hell if no one is mapped into your brain?

There is so much that goes into love. A person’s chemical mixture might be balanced or imbalanced like their brain chemistry. So many glands in our bodies make hormones. If any of these are off like the pituitary, thyroid, adrenal, pineal, ovaries, or testes we are no longer a dignified human being we are just a hormonal mess.

Genetics, your upbringing, and relationships in your life being role-modeled, all factor into how you will behave towards someone. But despite all of that, you can control your own behavior. You can tailor your actions to get what you want.

Given the variety of what’s out there, getting someone to fall in love with you…will be easy or difficult, and the entire spectrum in between. Abuse survivors are predisposed to abuse, so tricking them into loving you is much easier than tricking healthy people. That will also make you a predator. But either way…1. humans like attention, 2. They want love, 3. and we are social creatures. All humans want genuine love. No one wants to be tricked or manipulated

Unless you keep up the ruse for life, because at that point what is the difference?

– Let’s take a quick Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

Add “Two Beats”

**Resume Conversation Repeat

Technique four: It’s not karmically correct to make someone fall in love with you if you don’t have feelings for them. Certainly not ethically correct to build something stronger in them, then you feel for them.

Take a moment and check yourself. Do you have compulsive relationship behaviors? Do you “need others” to feel self-worth? Is it worth it to be with someone who isn’t a good match? Are you willing to stay in “an abusive or toxic relationship” to avoid being single? If you are going to “addict someone” to you, make sure you have time for them. Do you need therapy instead of a girlfriend? Maybe it’s better to spend this time and energy healing your inner trauma so you don’t feel the need to manipulate someone? Are you ready to be healthy and need this list of healthy behaviors to follow until you have formed healthy habits?

Technique five: Test to see if the eagle has landed. Once you are solidified in their system…test to see “if they are yours”. Back-off a bit to see if they reach out. If they do…you’re in. Don’t back off regularly, too often, or suddenly. This is just a test to see how they respond to “the lack of you”. It’s not “abandon ship and traumatize them with lifelong abandonment issues”. Behaving like a jerk builds resentment.

Some people intuitively know to do the test. Everytime my friend dates a new guy she backs off a month into it, to see if he is worth a relationship. While (someone else) never checks. A year will go by and she will realize the guy never initiates anything ever. She could have checked for that in the beginning instead of wasting an entire year with someone.

After you have established yourself in their brain, switch to intermittent. It’s okay to slow it down. Ease off a little. No one can keep up the “wooing behavior” forever. It’s called the honeymoon phase for a reason. But if you go from honeymoon to “thank god we are in a relationship now so I can ignore you and make you do all the work”…you’re doing it wrong.

If they don’t realize you’ve disappeared, you might be barking up the wrong tree. If they never initiate contact, don’t miss you, or notice you’re gone, or they make you plan all the weekends, holidays, and meals,…you might think about giving your time and effort to someone “capable of reciprocating”.

It’s a long, lonely, road to be in a relationship where you are the only one “putting in effort”. Just because you are healthy now doesn’t mean they are.

Technique six: You’ve figured out what they need, now stick to it. Are they a hermit? Are they a socialite? Let them know how often “you need them”. Your needs need to be met. Tell them what you need. If your needs are too much, make sure you don’t smother them. Compromise. If you still need more, is it because of “your personality” or because of “their personality”? Are you in love with the right person? It’s okay to date people until you realize they are a bad fit and then dump them. It’s called dating. It’s the very definition of dating. If they are not the right fit…dump them. Do you just need to “make a friend who is available to take on your extra burdensome needs”? Don’t forget to balance. Just because “they love you” or “you love them” doesn’t mean they have to fulfill every need you have. There are a lot of people in the world. You can have a partner, friends, family, coworkers, hobby partners, church acquaintances, “and still need to meet random people while camping, hiking, or on vacation”.

That brain map we talked about needs stimulation. When it gets too stagnant…it gets depressed. I am not saying life has to be “crazy” and “full of non-stop adventure.”

Technique seven: Be Predictable. Why? It feels safe, secure, and builds trust. Predictability is a must. To an extent. If you are so predictable you are boring, that is a problem. If you are so unpredictable you are unattainable then that is counterproductive. The cheaters that get away with it for 20 years (and their spouses have no clue) are skilled enough to maintain a schedule their wives trust. If you are going to have a life away from your partner “you need to establish it right away” and stay consistent.

Before you go into a relationship you need to understand “that as more time goes by”, you will be required to put in more time. So, plan that from day one. Be aware of “the incremental growth pattern of healthy relationships” so you are not surprised or put out by her needing more time. There is a natural progression to the thing we call “relationship”. There is a “normal” and “expected route”. Go into it knowing that and being prepared for it.

One guy I dated had zero clue how relationships progress naturally. We floundered around like a couple of fish out of water and when I would bring up the next step he would look at me like a deer in the headlights. A few weeks would go by as he processed the information and he would then agree it was the next logical step. I got tired of teaching him about American human dating customs. I swear that man was a freaking alien.

My most recent ex pretends he doesn’t understand conventions surrounding dating. He waits for the girl to pick out an apartment for them and he moves in with her. He refuses to talk about it, help look, or acknowledge it is happening. He wants her to do all the work of pushing them forward so he can say it wasn’t his idea in any argument and that “she put herself in this predicament”.

If you are a player and you get into a relationship with a girl while you have a side hoe and things go sour with the side piece…don’t start spending that time with your girl, because it is suspicious and strange that all of a sudden you have that time (and when you find a new side ho, you have to disappear again making it ten times more suspicious). If your side hoe is a seasonal sport like tennis or fishing then build that time in, away from your girl immediately. (Just never give her that time.) It’s non-negotiable year round. No one likes roller coasters. And girls will want to keep that time if you give it to them (even for half a year). You ain’t getting that shit back.

My hubby and I have “hunting time” built into our relationship. We know each of us are going to disappear for a few weekends annually and they need to have the kids, pets, and house for a few days.

Technique eight: Be Available. Playing hard to get is a dick move. It feels arrogant and cold. Who wants to be in a relationship that is supposed to be “supportive and loving” with an aloof ass? If you are going to be in a relationship “devote a large chunk of your time” to your partner (depending on their needs), after you’ve established and  carved out your time. Then, stick to it. Don’t make them beg for your time or attention. If that is your tactic, it’s unhealthy and creates a sick environment for both of you. It’s toxic. If you don’t like spending time with your partner…what are ya doin’ with them? And if you need vast amounts of time and space in relationships….be very clear about that up front. Don’t pussy around it hoping she will figure that shit out as you get to know each other.

Once she has a key to your apartment (or you move in together)…If you need your own space “you can find a way”. Grown adults with decent jobs can afford to google “college rooms for rent”. And visit that room when they need to. You can have a desk, bed, tv, and access to a shower. A guy I was cheating with was super surprised when I rented us a garage in an apartment complex. I decked it out with a bed, rug, and lamp. He was so happy to split the $100 a month with me. There wasn’t a bathroom but we only met for an hour a few times a week.

Of course you did, today’s episode is about healthy relationships though, so if you are super introverted, shy, want to play video games by yourself without looking like a loser to your girlfriend, or need to be alone, it is okay to rent something for yourself without telling your partner. You get to spend your money the way you need to in order to keep your own sanity.

I dated a guy who manipulated his girlfriend into taking a yoga class so he could cheat on her.

Omg Rachel, that’s not dating the guy.

How do you define which one is the girlfriend? The girl who ends up with more time per week with him? The one living with him? I mean, I feel bad for them because their finances are all tangled up in that shit. As a side hoe, I aint ruining my finances for some dickwad loser.

Rachel, we are talking about healthy relationships today and one person in that relationship needing space of their own, or an unshared space.

If you think long term and opt for the cheapest room you can find, it may not be fancy or upscale but you will have the privacy you need.

Technique nine: Meet their unmet needs. They fell for you for a reason. It is pretty simple to find out “why”. Then apply that to their life. Do it consciously. It is why they fell for you. If you don’t, they will seek it out in someone else.

(If they like your sexiness, be sexy. If they like your healthy eating, eat healthy with them. If they like your excitement, get excited with them.) Don’t bait and switch. No one likes that. Bait and switch is manipulative, rude, and hard to get over. It does more damage than good. It isn’t healthy for anyone. If you’re “throwing out sex” like “bread at a duck pond” you are bait and switching. No one can keep up that level of entertainment if it isn’t genuine. If you give a girl sweet romantic attention the first month to hook her when you are a schizoid recluse, you are going to regret it every single time she gets upset when you can’t keep it up naturally.

Technique ten: Effort. Just do it. (Vulnerable people appreciate effort. Normal people appreciate effort. Human beings appreciate effort. So put a little in. Jesus Christ, it’s not that hard.) Everyone on the planet has ups and downs. Every relationship has rough weeks, months, sometimes years. Everyone gets angry. All relationships go through rough patches which means one or both parties are frustrated, angry, annoyed, and irritated. Friends, family, and romantic couples who are still together after ten years manage this by letting things slide, voicing their anger in appropriate ways, compromising, standing ground when it is important to them, realizing the other person has valuable contributions even when things are rough. It’s okay to love and respect someone you are angry with. It’s normal to get annoyed with someone living with you. It’s okay to love and respect someone you are annoyed with.

Practicing “loving behavior” feels good to the other person. When things are not right, things needs more focus and attention. Focus and attention means: longer than ten minutes or one day. People brush their teeth every day to maintain healthy teeth. People eat healthy every day to maintain health. People in healthy relationships pay attention to their partner every day. When you ignore your teeth for 24 hours you get a yucky build up. When you eat bad things 24 hours straight you get a yucky build up. When you ignore your partner for 24 hours you get a yucky build up.

Mental health issues crop up in unhealthy relationships. We can help each other with pre existing mental health issues by being kind and helpful to each other. (If I lean on her, I should let her lean on me, so we both are stable.)

Technique eleven: Association. Make sure they equate you with positive feelings. The more positive someone thinks of you, the better they perceive you.

It doesn’t matter what we are (we all have negative qualities), it is about what they perceive. (So stop being a selfish, self-centered, dick, and be positive. Amazingly they will associate you with positive feelings and will want to be around you.)

Technique twelve: Be Known. We all have anxiety about the unknown. Give them your schedule. (No need to go overboard with an hour-by-hour play.)  But think about it. When we are in love “our brains want to know where the extension of our love is”. What are your plans for the week? Let them know. What is your plan for the day? Let them know. (Prefer privacy? Fine. But they will feel anxiety simply by not knowing where you are or what you are doing. Duh. They love you. So enjoy the fact that you just left a negative impact on their psyche for the sake of “privacy” or laziness.)

Technique thirteen: Favors. After things are “established”, it is time to ask for a favor. People like to help, the ones they love. It makes them feel important. Let him/her do things for you. (Don’t be so strong you become an independent feminist/macho bitch/asshole.) How the hell are they supposed to “feel needed” if you don’t ever need them for anything. Ask for help, for advice, for suggestions. By doing so, you “owe them” which is a vulnerable place to be and is in their favor. Just asking for a favor shows you feel comfortable being indebted to someone. And that suggests a special rapport. Also: don’t butter them up. No one likes swarmy. (If you want to slather them in compliments…ask your favor first). It is more genuine. (People don’t like to be manipulated. If you are going to butter someone up, do it after asking them for what you need.)

We only do favors for people we like. Experiments have been done with a goal in mind to get a prospective customer to do a salesperson a small unrelated favor. For example, if the salesperson asks a customer to hold his or her cup of coffee for a brief moment. Research shows we like people more after having done them a small favor. And most importantly. If they are not willing to do you a favor…they are not that into you. You basically mean nothing to them.

And it’s best if they offer that favor. Find a way to maneuver the favor so they offer to do it. That makes a huge difference!!! If they don’t “take the bait”, you need to put in more time devoted to the previous steps. You need to ‘get to know this person’ better. It’s time to up your charm. Or up your game. Or focus on healing your inner trauma “so you are happy to connect more” and give more in a relationship. Learn to communicate better “so you are actually establishing a deeper connection”. If you do all these techniques on a surface level…that ain’t love. Sorry buddy. Gotta go deep.

Genuine rapport is hard to fake with women, because women are better at noticing if you’re not paying attention. Men are either less skilled at this or think it’s normal to not connect when interacting, or it’s true they are not that into you and fake most interactions with women to get laid? If you are thinking about something other than what she is doing or saying, she’s gonna notice. If you are going for “genuine”, you kind of have to put both feet in.

Let’s get side tracked for a minute and talk about chemicals.

What chemicals are you needing to elicit from your target?

What is the best way to achieve the chemicals needed to support adoration, commitment, and long term love?

Phenylethylamine. It is released when you gaze lovingly into someone’s eyes. Phenethylamine increases a chemical in the brain called serotonin.

But don’t run out looking to purchase Phenylethylamine. Taking phenethylamine might increase serotonin too much especially if you are taking medication that are adjusting your levels of serotonin. This could cause side effects like headaches, heart problems, shivering, confusion, and anxiety. Since it is created naturally when you gaze lovingly into someone’s eyes, we recommend gazing lovingly into someone’s eyes.

Like me, you can gaze lovingly into my eyes. I love that shit.

Studies have been done on couples who still feel passion for each other. High levels of Phenylethylamine were found in both partners.

Theresa Crenshaw calls Phenylethylamine the love molecule. Crenshaw says Phenylethylamine is the chemical reaction behind love at first sight. She wrote the book, “The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships” “She doesn’t know how sight can cause this response, or how it is processed through the body or brain. But she knows experiments involving couples gazing lovingly in each other’s eyes causes a circulatory surge of Phenylethylamine. Pair that with intimate questions while you get to know each other and Bam. Love done happen.

Testosterone and estrogen are the stuff behind lust. Raw dog lust. If you keep sexual interactions abrupt, brief, or selfish then you are missing out on the cocktails nature has set aside for deeper more meaningful interactions. The mixture of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin create attraction. Which is a different “feeling of need” than horny.  If you are lucky enough to experience the mixture of oxytocin and vasopressin then you know what attachment feels like. Vasopressin is associated with physical and emotional vigilance and behaviors needed for guarding a partner or territory. This attachment comes with long-term love.

If you’ve been in a relationship for four or more years, then you have experienced dopamine levels dropping off and attraction levels going down. This is a crossroads of sorts. Either you break up, limp along miserable, or that dopamine gets replaced by two hormones: oxytocin and vasopressin. These create the desire to bond with your partner and nurture them long term.

How can we make sure these chemicals are flowing? Not only do you need a healthy relationship, it helps if your physical body is healthy, and it helps if your mental state is healthy. What are some things we can do to help all of this health along?

Touch. A massage therapist is trained not to break contact (to establish trust from a client) so the client always knows where the therapist is and what is happening. People feel trust when contact is maintained. So maintain loving reassuring and acceptable contact. Certain touch receptors exist solely to convey emotion to the brain, rather than sensory information about the external environment. Participants in an experiment involving touch and physical contact, reported feeling less neglect and less loneliness if they were in a relationship. Researchers speculate the availability of physical contact in a marriage, family, or relationship helps alleviate this stressor. Something single people don’t have as much access to. Participants in relationships following the touch protocol showed a faster reduction in heart rate, interpreted as a sign of physiological well being and health.

Have you ever gone to a cuddle party?

Excuse me?

A cuddle party. In L.A. after my divorce I was desperate for the kind of touch you get in a marriage or long term relationship and tinder was killing me with all the lying assholes looking for booty calls.

Um, it’s called Tinder for a reason. Just because all the lonely people in the world want it to be a dating app, doesn’t make it a dating app.

Really? Because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened to Tinder. All the lonely people flooded onto Tinder changing the basis of what is available there now.

True. Cuddle Party?

I would go to these gatherings of 20-50 people. Hosted at someone’s house we would line the floor with pillows and blankets. It was a giant ass cuddle party. Everyone snuggled up tight and had soft quiet conversations or fell asleep.

Are you telling me men would not get a boner in the middle of all that?

No, they did. But there was a debriefing before the start of each party explaining the safety zone we were creating. That included knowing men get boners and can’t help it. Men were told to not be rubbing on people and women were told it was a respectful space. If you didn’t want to get a boner pressing on you then you cuddled with women or were the big spoon. It was actually a very pleasant and safe atmosphere.

That does sound nice. And points out how women set the mood for appropriate touch levels. In all interactions involving sexual attraction, it is important to be sensitive to the subtle signs a woman is giving you. If she says, “You just went a little too far” it is important to back off to her level. Don’t jerk back like a spooked rabbit, just be aware of her comfort level. Assess if there is a genuine attraction. If there is, then it’s okay and encouraged to escalate touch later. All she is saying in this moment is, “not yet.”

If you ignore any of these steps, a girl doesn’t trust you. You haven’t built enough comfort, intimacy, or gotten to know her very well. If you are having sex with her, it is not likely she will orgasm. If she is, you found someone able to get off with minimal connection and is that a good thing? That is up to the two of you. But beware. There is a very high percentage of women who fake orgasms just like you fake romance.

What if all these steps and techniques sound like too much to remember?

Set an alarm, or jesus christ use the million apps that auto send. We are talking about simple things that help a person feel seen and desired. So they feel like this is real and not fake, wishy-washy, random, and only when you are horny. If you are not a touchy person but you know she likes to be hugged then set an alarm on your phone to hug her. Set it to remind yourself to kiss her forehead. Once each day pause and look into her eyes to say how pretty she is today. Just do it everyday. What is it going to hurt you? How much time do these things take? Total eight seconds each? Jesus. Just do it. Don’t be a dick.

Tell them what you need. We all get tired, confused, misread things, misinterpret stuff, and we all forget what we were told. So, be open to repeating yourself. Don’t make them read your mind. It is not fun.

People’s relationships are rife with problems stemming from conditioning mistakes. These are the three biggest: 1. Punishing someone for no or unknown reasons.

Don’t punish your love interest for no reason. Don’t get moody, pissy or distant, because he didn’t read your mind.

2. Rewarding bad behavior.

Do not encourage bad behavior. If he isn’t freely giving you the steps above, and you rush to make him happy then you just taught him to treat you like shit. If he isn’t treating you right, do not be nice to him to prove you deserve love. He is an asshole. Go find a nice person to give your love to.

3. Do not withhold rewards. Reward the behaviors you want repeated. When you feel gratitude…fucking tell them you feel gratitude. Open your mouth. Speak so they can hear you. Absorb and reflect back gratefulness.

If you enjoy the “good morning” texts she sends you each morning but take 7 hours to respond, you are actively discouraging her to text you good morning at all.

Choose Joy:

But, what is he doing to make the relationship better? Does he put in an ounce

of effort?

 – – – Seriously? Don’t be such a fucking baby. Worry about yourself. You cannot and should not control his behavior. You only control yourself. Does it make you happy to wake up each morning with joy in your soul? Yes. So, share that with someone you love. If they choose not to share back then they can rot in their own lost unhappiness and misery. You are not giving…in order to get anything back. You give because you love to love. It simply feels good. If they choose not to “give” then walk away. When you try to force that shit or manipulatively get it from them you are not healthy.

Remember:

Have respect, listen, appreciate, approve, excite, nurture, admire, trust, coexist, responsibly.

emphasize what you want

emphasize what you can do

Men want to feel: competent, loved, needed, respected.

Women want to feel nurtured, treasured, heard, reassured.

Men can feel: lonely, hurt, scared, angry, worried, disappointed, let down, sad, attacked, misunderstood, used, ashamed, dumb, trapped, guilty, frustrated, incompetent, confused, jealous,

Women can feel: abandoned, taken advantage of, obsessive, the need to nag, unheard, ignored, like a hole/cum dumpster instead of a supported loved human being,

– We are going to take a Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

Add “Two Beats”

***Close the conversation

Dopamine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Norepinephrine, and Phenylethylamine all work together to create a biochemical feedback loop of love. In women, sexual pleasure and romantic attachment release the entire bundle of chemicals. But not so in men. That is why they can have sex and not care. To get a man to feel anything it requires prolonged eye contact. To get all five chemicals flowing in a man you must take the full approach outlined above. Women are easy. A little love, a little touch, a little care…boom, done. Men are more difficult. Thicker skinned. Denser emotionally.

Beware you don’t rely on a chemical release. Love is a function of personal history, preferences, and current behavior. Figure out what makes her feel loved. Write it down if you have to and set alarms to deliver if you have to.

The effort you put in today is the same effort she wants tomorrow and next year. It’s not that difficult to look genuinely happy to see someone once each day.

What is the End Result you are seeking? Will the reaction you are giving get you that End Result?

Relationships are not a tit-for-tat situation. But “how do you know” you are not taking advantage of someone, if you never bother looking at your own behavior? Add it up. Check to see. Check to make sure. Value for value. Every breath she takes for you, are you reciprocating? If not, I suggest you step up your game. They call it 50/50 for a reason.

If you are a clueless John Boy then sit down with her and ask her for a list of everything she does for you, and what she contributes to the relationship.

If she wants to know why, let her know you want to make sure you are putting in equal effort and you don’t want her to feel like you are taking advantage of her in your life. Then match all of her efforts in some way.

If you need to,… ask her for a list of things you could contribute. She might have some great ideas, things she is hoping you will fulfill.

If you are a forgetful person remember there are a million businesses praying you use them to remember for you. You can have an account pre set up at a floral shop to deliver flowers on all the days: Vday, Bday, Mothers Day, 

Think before you react. The other person you are interacting with is a human being. With their own inherent worth and dignity. When they disappoint you, make reasonable and positive excuses for their behavior. Don’t attack them just because your poor baby feelings got hurt. They cannot read your mind and they had a shitty day. So be supportive (or quit pretending you want real love).

I would like to introduce next week’s episode. Episode 21: Sucrose. Sugaring. I am going to interview Rachel about being a sugar baby. I have held back on all my questions. It is time to open up and ask her. This will definitely be a trigger warning episode. We are all familiar with how disgusting she can be. This will be a no holds bar conversation about her sugar adventures. More than likely it will induce a few gag reflexes and traumatic shudders in anyone listening. I personally will be having a glass of wine so it rolls off my back and maybe I don’t remember everything she says because who needs those kinds of thoughts running through your mind? Right?

We want you guys to submit your ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you. And if you got anything out of today’s episode give us some love, subscribe, and rate us.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

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