Ep 7: Safety in a Sea of Toxicity

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Rachel: “Do not react to their reaction to your actions.”

Kayla: “Are you talking about the research done by Ramani S. Durvasula. Personality Disorders and Health: Lessons Learned and Future Directions?”

Rachel: “Yes, I am, that’s the one.”

Music Intro

Hey everyone, my name is Kayla!

And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

Before we begin today, this episode needs a trigger warning. 

We will be discussing personality disorders again. Many personality disorders are brought on by childhood abuse. If this is something that will disturb you please stop listening and skip to our next episode. Also I need to point out…personality disorders are serious. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder it is very helpful to be in therapy yourself. We are not professionals. This is a comedy podcast about science and dating, so we will be making jokes and snippy comments about personality disorders. Rachel has endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse during her childhood and we wish to speak on this topic in a frank, comedic, and informative way to help you swim safely in your sea of toxicity.

A personality disorder is traits and symptoms in your personality that are troubling enough to create problems in your relationship. Usually the results of trauma and abuse during childhood.

So “you are in a relationship with someone you love” and they have a personality disorder. You choose to stay.

You need to have boundaries. There needs to be boundaries on their behavior and their treatment of you. Your loved one will cross those boundaries. What are you going to do about it? 

“Modeling good behavior, maturity, and health” will

both

Help keep your sanity and help them understand what love looks and feels like.

People with personality disorders can mature to become less disordered.

It boils down to how you treat them and how you treat yourself.

Add “Two Beats”

* Begin conversation: Aright, let’s start today’s conversation: “They would never act this way in a public library, would they”?

Let’s do a thought experiment. We are all in public. In the library. If you are with someone “openly behaving in a bad way”, at the very least they will be shunned, If they are an openly abusive person they will be incarcerated, if they are an openly dangerous person they may need to be put down by force.

So, When your loved one behaves poorly towards you “in the privacy of your own home”, just try to imagine you are in public. Would they “do or say this” at the grocery store? If they would not, it is okay to point this out to them. It is perfectly normal to ask them to switch their words or behavior to their public behavior.

It is okay to have a normal reaction to bad behavior. So when they tell you “you’re overreacting”, please hold on to the knowledge that your reactions are valid.

If their behavior or words would not get a stranger to cooperate with them then they need to change how they are dealing with you. People with personality disorders do not speak or act in ways that are healthy or cooperative, and they know this.

It is okay to remind them when this is happening. They often have great difficulty fitting into society at large. If they behave in a manner that makes you wish to put them in a mental facility then it is okay to assess their treatment of you and ask for a change.

This can be done calmly, with dignity. You can use quiet soft words. Especially when they are ready to listen. Gather your courage and strength. Then couple that with slow deliberate meaningful logic.

You are helping them figure out how to interact with you, in a better way. And it is okay to insist that they do so.

So, how do you keep yourself safe in a toxic relationship you are not willing to leave?

Medication!!!

Always with the drugs with you woman, but yes, seriously…If you two, are having sex, you should be able to handle adult conversations about medications.

It is important to not use a person’s disorder against them. It is important to not use their medications against them. But also don’t let them use their disorder as an excuse for behaviors and don’t let them use medication as an excuse for poor behavior. It is healthy to point out their goals and help them stay on the path to mental health, especially with “how they treat you and the relationship”.

If a partner says “you know i have xyz, why do you push my buttons?” It is okay to remind them the world doesn’t revolve around their disorder. They have the disorder. 

They are trying to fit into this world. You do not have to try to fit into their fucked up version of the world based on their childhood abuse.

When your partner acts “out of it”, run down, or grouchy and blames it on their meds, remind them they are taking the meds so they are not  “out of touch”, run down, or cranky. It is okay to bring up the fact that they may need to adjust dosages or change medications.

You need to be the best you. What does that look like? 1. Choosing your words wisely. 2. Pointing out how you wish to be treated. 

So, when my boyfriend gets really angry and tries to choke me… I can say “I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone that chokes me, I don’t find that healthy or loving” instead of “Stop choking me”. 

Do they not listen when you ask them to stop?

They don’t actually. Instead they make snide remarks like “I wasn’t choking you honey, I was trying to get you to calm down.”

Yes, I can relate to that actually, in the heat of intense feelings…I know I find myself using harsh words instead of thinking first. Instead of asking my partner to do something “in a kind way” such as, “Honey, could you help me fold and put away laundry?” it might come out more like, “You know, you help make this mess you could help me with it instead of sitting on your ass.” I completely forget the fact that he is also a busy working person too.

Right, choosing your words wisely but then, I guess, also identifying your feelings.

So that makes a good number 3. Identify your feelings.

Adults today with personality disorders never had someone one “who stepped in” to stop the abuse. No one was “a light in their dark time”. No one offset the negative influences they are getting. It is okay for you to be a light in their life. It is okay to be a good role model. Please be the light in someone’s dark tunnel. And no matter what “don’t let them drag you into their hell”.

And the only way to do that is to know what you are feeling and why. Part of identifying your feelings is identifying how someone is treating you.

Many people will insist a personality disorder cannot be cured, only masked. Masking is good. Fake it till you make it. If your loved one is masking their disorder, let them know how wonderful it is to be treated with kindness, loving behavior, and respect. “Pretend love” feels better than “neglect and abuse”. And it is good practice for them to treat you correctly. It also makes it easier for you to treat them well.

It is okay to point all this out during and in the midst of difficult moments with them. Use your logic kindly and effectively, most importantly make sure you are doing this lovingly.

Right because being condescending or nitpicking…or worse…diving into the argument with someone who is already having a difficult time with intensity, doesn’t help. It makes it worse for you and them.

Which leads us to number 4. Step back, breath, take a wide angle view of what is happening and insert the “library concept”. If the both of you were in the library right now, would you get kicked out? Or would someone call the police? Would the police feel the need to pull their weapons based on what is happening?

Which is why I am 100% okay asking them to “pretend” that they are nice people. Don’t let that disorder creep into the relationship. Which is tough because that disorder is their current real personality.

 “Key” wording there. Current. Change needs to happen for a healthy relationship to happen. And this episode is about how to keep yourself safe in a toxic environment. Their willingness and choice to change is huge in allowing your safety to be relaxed and easy.

Not everyone is going to make that choice. You may be choosing to stay in a toxic relationship with someone you know will not change.

It can be difficult to think of your loved one as an asshole. But if it is walking like an asshole, talking like an asshole, and treating you like shit…it might just be an asshole. And you have the right to be treated with loving behavior, respect, and dignity. So insist upon it.

Which leads us to step 5. When you are protecting yourself and they are trying to sabotage that, Stay calm, use a mantra if you have to, be willing to be The Adult. They may mock you when you are calmly using logic. They may goad you into their territory. They may turn it around and insist you are the crazy one. We all slip up and engage in immature ways. Forgive yourself when that happens and move on. Reinforce your inner stance and assess the situation.

Be willing to be The Adult…is important. Because as someone with a personality disorder myself, when I get triggered or angry or confused, I also feel violent inside which kicks in my “fight or flight” mode. I hate violence. So when I feel violent I become immature and childish. I get taken back to my childhood self.

Haven’t scientists figured out adults with severe trauma never left childhood?

Exactly. It’s like being locked in time at the spot of their abuse.

Like sleeping beauty?

Yes,

So, like if a writer is writing a novel…and you come in and trigger their childhood abuse, they would pick up where they left off writing and their writing style would completely change?

Yes. And each individual responds to “feeling violent” in different ways. Each personality disorder is a hodge podge mess of intermingling disorders cultivated by our individual abuses. And throw in how we are dealing with it in this exact point in our lives. If someone gets triggered and feels violent inside they may cry

Become closed off

May actually get violent

Go on a drinking binge

Shut down, stonewall, block you out till they come back to themselves

Self harm

Which shows in a multitude of ways as well: promiscuous sex

Cutting

Drugs, sugar, shopping sprees.

Before we take our break I want to recap these tools for keeping yourself safe in a sea of toxicity: 1. Choosing your words wisely. 2. Pointing out how you wish to be treated. 3. Identify your feelings. 4. Step back, breath, take a wide angle view of what is happening and insert the “library concept”. 5. When you are protecting yourself and they are trying to sabotage that, Stay calm, use a mantra if you have to, be willing to be the adult. Stand firm on your boundaries.

Just because they were sweet all week doesn’t mean it is okay to abuse you for a few minutes. Just because your puppy was extra cute this morning doesn’t mean they can pee on the floor today.

Them feeling violent is not a right to do violence. Them feeling angry is not a right to inflict that anger on you. You triggering them is not a right to take that out on you.

Just because someone traumatized them as a child doesn’t mean they have the right to traumatize you today. You “accidentally triggering one of their thousands of confusing triggers” doesn’t give them the right to act on it. If they want to take that out on someone, they can confront their original abuser. Your normal actions, triggering their odd past trauma, isn’t a valid excuse to behave anyway they feel like it.

If they try to say “you are too needy” remind them “Needy” is the result of needs not being met. Make a point of watching your interactions from afar and ask yourself…”is this normal”? Is this healthy? Is this abusive? If I describe this moment over an intercom at school or work would people think this is the best way to go about the situation?

The most valuable lesson I learned in life… was from the sweetest lady, an ex boss. She told me to evaluate stressful interactions and decide the outcome. What did I want the end result to be? Was the current interaction going to get me that? I cannot control other people’s behavior

Especially someone with a personality disorder 

But I can control my own behavior. 

Even if you have a Personality Disorder?

Yes. “Is it difficult”? Yes. “Does it feel impossible sometimes”? Yes. “Do healthy interactions help”? Yes. Even when I hate The Healthy Interaction and want to claw their eyes out. I can tell you I have had three distinctly groundbreaking moments in my life with healthy people and it took me three years to absorb one and six years to absorb the other two interactions. All three helped me immensely. But those three people never saw the resulting benefits. They since long moved on.

So when you are in an intense moment you ask yourself “Is my behavior going to get me what I want? Should I change my demeanor, tone, or the words I am using?”

This simple technique has allowed me to stay calm more times than I can count. It is something my parents should have taught me instead of molesting and beating me.

Something that can help you is realizing you want to be in a healthy relationship. If the relationship you are in is not healthy you may “leave or work on it”. Make sure your partner knows you are ready and willing to take part in a healthy relationship. You will work on it with them if they are actively contributing positively in the relationship. If they see nothing wrong with treating you poorly you might want to reconsider the point of the relationship.

You cannot make them change. But by standing up for yourself and pointing out behaviors you are not willing to engage with you are already keeping the relationship healthy despite their toxicity.

If you want to be your best self, make sure you understand what it is about them that draws you to them. If they are schizoid and it makes you yearn for their attention because you were abandoned by a parent as a child make sure you are addressing your needs. It takes two for a relationship to work.

I actually created a manual for a boyfriend that details what texts I need him to send me, when, and how often. He wants things to work between us and he follows my manual to the letter, copying and pasting my text suggestions back to me. It’s funny and enduring. He tries. And that is significant for a schizoid. On the days he forgets, I reminded him. I didn’t get angry or triggered. It’s okay for me to enforce what I need from him. Because I only ask for 3 texts a day which is something he can accomplish. I get my mandatory “good morning”, “description of what he ate for lunch”, and “goodnight sweetheart” every day. Twelve words a day is all I need to know someone hasn’t forgotten about me, and I had to seriously reflect on what I needed. It took months of trial and error to figure out.

 Who is toxic in your life? Why do you need to keep them in your life? What mantras do you use to keep yourself sane? Please share with us so we can all benefit. Comment in our social media. We have facebook, twitter, and Instagram.

– Let’s take a quick Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

Commercial Spot one: (18:30 or 18:40)

Add “Two Beats”

** Resume conversation: Let’s get into advice and then go over each disorder with ways you could approach problems.

The first piece of advice is true for all personality disorders.

Stop telling them sensitive things about your life because they will use it to their advantage!

People with personality disorders twist facts. They need to make you appear crazy.

This is so easy to counter.

Keep a journal of everything cruel they say, and events that happen. Write it down word-for-word. Include a quick context about what they said and why. Date the entry. 

You never need to show them the journal. You merely need to read it to yourself to remind yourself “they are the broken ones”. Not you. It is merely a safety device. A reminder to help you stay objective.

One of my ex’s sent me a voice mail saying “Rachel, I really need you, “to know you are a fuck up”. OMG I so fucking remember that voice mail from him.

I played it for my friends during movie night and they all laughed. It is still an inside joke amongst us. They will use his voice and say that to me when I do something wrong, to make me laugh.

It is okay to see their words and abuse for what it is. Usually projection.

I’ve never used that voice mail to argue with him. I have never brought it up to him. I knew what he was trying to do. I diffused it through my friends. His moment passed and we moved on to healthier communication.

In this journal you are keeping, have a section in the front or back and write this list of questions. Read this list of questions whenever you start to feel crazy. It will ground you back into reality.

How often do you initiate physical intimacy? How often do they? How about emotional intimacy? “Private talk time” just for the two of you to get closer and bond?

When was the last time they had your back?

Describe a time they followed through something important to you.

When did they support you through a difficult situation showing empathy so you could lean fully on them for support?

What are their compromises in this relationship for you?

How do they put your needs above theirs?

Are you able to be visibly upset and their recourse is to make things better for you?

What do you do solely for them?

What do they do solely for you?

When did they last miss out on something they wanted to do in order to do something with you?

What celebrations and surprises have they planned for you?

What are the changes they have made just for you?

Do they judge you by the same standards they wish to be judged by?

These are things you deserve. These are things you will never get from your disordered partner. When they tell you “You Are The Problem”, read this list and know that you are not the problem. I found this list on reddit.

Where?

I hang out in several of the personality disorder subs. It helps me to check my own crazy. And I don’t feel alone. It helps me knowing others out there really struggle with their behavior as well.

This is a good list. These are things we all deserve in a healthy happy emotionally rich relationship. You will not get these things from your disordered partner unless you specify verbatim what you need. List out the number of hours per week you need their attention and describe the type of attention you would like Them to give. When they give you attention you don’t want ie., abuse…tell them the attention you want.  List the activities you want them to participate in. List out the sentences you need them to say or text you. Sounds crazy. But you deserve positive attention. And people with disorders can improve their interactions with you if you are very very very specific and clear. Because some disordered personalities will take that list word-for-word and not one word more.

We are going to go over each disorder and give some pointers. Obviously you need to tailor your Safety Plan to the person you are in a relationship with. These are just pointers to help you with that process.

Cluster A personality disorders:  These are the loners.

Paranoid’s: It is okay to remind your loved one that you love them. Point out that you understand their suspicions. Offer reasonable solutions that make you both feel safe and secure without overstepping boundaries. I straight up gave my passwords to my paranoid husband. He had full access to all my online dealings. Yes, it’s unjustified for me to have to give someone my password to all my social medias and he knew this, but the thoughts are constant and difficult to fight. The way you say things, or the words you choose to use, proves your inner intentions. So step back, assess your intentions and say what needs to be said. For me, I hated the constant paranoia and it was easier to just leave my phone unlocked, passwords open, and phone on speaker when engaged in a phone call. It eased his mind and took away all the bad. Sometimes, I even forgot that he had a personality disorder.

If your work gives you a work phone…you could get a second cell phone and pretend it is your work phone which is why they can’t have access to it. Or you could leave your  second cell phone at work and have your privacy on that phone while you are at work. Do whatever you need, to get what you need, just take the time to figure out what that is.

Schizoid’s.  You will need to get human interaction from someone else. There is a good chance you got tricked when starting a relationship with your schizoid. They are able to fake good social skills in the beginning making you think they can handle company. But they can’t. Once you are in a relationship with them all they feel is how intrusive you are in their life. So you need to have friends that you visit, and a bible study you attend weekly, plus a meet up group you go to. It is important you do not become a hermit with your partner. And they will not attend outings with you. You need to be okay with that. Be involved in many group activities. Keep your social health in tact by getting the social interactions you need. You will not get it from your schizoid. While I dated a schizoid I was involved in a salsa dance night every Thursday, game night every Wednesday, I had dinner with my friends twice a week, and made sure my weekends were full of good times out and about. I wished he wanted to spend time with me on the weekends (or ever for that matter) but he didn’t. So I kept my mental and social health active and alive. Yes, it is sad that they never want to do anything. But that is not your problem. If it helps…I told myself he could wallow in his own misery and loneliness because it wasn’t going to affect me. The truth is, he wasn’t lonely. He preferred staying home alone all weekend. But it helped me to tell myself this. I tried to be happy for him being home but the truth was it hurt my feelings that he didn’t want to spend time with me. So I did mental gymnastics to trick myself into being smug that he was miserable. All that matters is your mental health and you not torturing them into being social.

I kind of feel like all men are schizoids. The way they play video games, watch tv all night… (when so many women want to talk to each other or with their partner).

My ex ignored me for weeks on end, never taking me out, sex happened less and less. I swear, they lure you in. “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, had a wife and couldn’t keep her, put her in a pumpkin shell, there he kept her very well.” It’s like they want you in the house somewhere cooking or cleaning barefoot and silent. They want you “there but leaving them alone” so they can scroll tinder, chat with girls on reddit, and boost their egos so they get the dopamine rush we no longer provide.

Some guys are ever on the hunt despite having what they want in the next room. If evolution is real, why haven’t women evolved into creatures like Mystic from the Xmen series?

I know he would be more attracted to me if every month I morphed into a different package of a woman. Maybe that’s why we constantly change our hair and clothes?

Schizotypal’s.  Get messages from the universe. It’s reinforced by whispers. If they know for a fact that your teeth will fall out tomorrow morning at 9am…is that really a problem? When your partner says things that are illogical and not a threat or danger to anyone…who cares. I am going to repeat that last important message. When your partner says things that are illogical and not a threat or danger to anyone…who cares. You don’t have to treat them like children and you don’t have to take it seriously either. Your health matters. Flow with the fluxuations and when things are fine, let them be fine. Relax and focus on your needs. Don’t get pulled into something that will lead to drama. What they are going through is just that. Something they are going through. In the event of an episode that requires your attention the most beneficial thing you can do is ask “what can I do to help?”. Actually find out what they need. Then roll with that however you can. There is a difference between getting pulled in and providing improvements to the relationship.

Okay, so those were the loners. Next, let’s do the drama queens. Please remember these disorders are usually comorbid and hard to tell where one ends and the other begins in your partner.

Cluster B personality disorders the drama queens

Antisocial’s. There is no reason to be scared of a sociopath. Take Rachel for example. She is happy. Giving. Kind. You just need to know what triggers them. Try to really understand why they are behaving the way they do. Really get that they have to behave the way they do and learn where that stems from. They are not crazy. They are this way for a reason. That does not mean allowing them to disrespect you in any way. They are not allowed to treat you poorly.

They have legitimate abusers in their past. Say “no” when you need to. Go along with their crazy ideas and needs when you are okay with it. Say “no” when they want to spend your money or want you to spend it in ways you don’t want to. 

If you need to have a secret bank account then get one. If you need to lie and say you got a pay decrease so they think you’re broke, then lie. First and foremost protect yourself, your finances, your material possessions. Trust your gut. 

My ex knew I was cheating on him the entire three years we were together. He knew. He brought it up when he really felt it. I lied. I had dozens of men on the side throughout those three years and I went through a dozen sugar daddies. In this mess, I just miraculously happened to have three guys I dated and never touched. Weird I know but I like to keep busy on the weekends and my ex is schizoid. These three men happened during the three breaks we took. Every time we broke up I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t touch because I wanted to stay faithful to my ex hoping we would get back together.

When we say intermingling disorders full of hypocrisy this is what we mean.

So when he refused to trust me, I called all three of these men on the phone in front of him and had the apologetic talk with these men.

“Hi Trevor, I was just calling to apologize for never giving us a chance while we dated for 4 months. I am realizing if I had kissed you or tried to initiate sex in any way maybe we would have moved forward in our relationship”. So my ex is standing next to me listening to these conversations on speaker. He understood that I did date men during our breaks but never even kissed any of these men. His gut knew I was a McSlutty slut slut. But the conversations with these men proved I was an angelic saint and a monogamous faithful girlfriend even while we were on a break. He got proof I was faithful despite the fact that every Friday I had sex with a sugar daddy at 10am, a side boyfriend at 5pm and sex with him at 10pm. McSuttylisious I am telling you. But I convinced this man I was a god damn saint with only his dick for three years.

So what you are saying is “when in relationship with a sociopath…trust your gut”?

Yeah, that’s what I am saying.

Borderline’s. This ones a tricky one. Borderlines lash out when they need you most. Anger is actually terror and fear freaking out needing you the most. So how on earth will you protect yourself from this? Symptoms are spending sprees so lie lie lie about how much money you have. Hide it. Seriously. Sex addiction, if you are turned on by your partner having sex with other people this could be a really good match. Drug addiction, If you are a sociopath it would help since you wouldn’t care and would probably just do drugs with them. Binge eating, it helps if you don’t mind them being a little heavy. And self-harm…scars are sexy? Seriously though, studies show structural and functional changes in parts of the brain that control impulse and emotional regulation so you really do need to protect yourself from this shit.

I feel normal. The only reason I know I am strange is because people keep looking at me like I am crazy. Oh, and they straight up tell me I am crazy. I just think I’m cool. Right!

Oh yeah Rachel, you’re cool. And besides, men love the crazy!!!

The only piece of advice I can give our listeners about being in a relationship with a borderline… is to…”hold them”. When they want to claw your eyes out, hold them. Look so deep into their eyes they drown in your love. Like seriously drop everything you are doing and face them. Hold them. Search their soul. Tell them sweet nothings. It is super helpful if you channel the charmer side of a narcissist. Narcissists and Borderlines attract like velcro in the beginning. So channel every jiggelo, player, and narcissist you can when your partner starts freaking out (which will happen anytime “you take time for yourself” or have something important to do).

Let’s address how “you…will get what you need”, from this relationship with your borderline? How will you be the center of attention sometimes? This episode is about “safety in the sea of toxicity”. I am going to be honest and say “you need to have outside confirmation about how amazing you are”. Go to church, be a boy scout leader, stay active in a meet-up group, be really good at something in a group setting to get the praise and attention you need from people capable of giving it.

Narcissists. Do not spend money on them. Period. Don’t do it. I told my ex narc I was broke. He never spent a penny on me. I curbed the urge to spend money on him. And I am a dependent. So, those are serious fucking urges for me. I blew tons of cash on his kids. He went nuts knowing his kids got new bikes, clothes, and fun day outings. Don’t spend your money on the narcissist though. They are leeches. Protect your finances. They are perpetual victims. Never loan them money. Ever. Never. No matter what you contribute, they will underestimate that contribution and belittle it in an attempt to get more out of you. Narcissists take and take and take. In fact, someone on reddit wrote a little poem list of how to keep your perspective straight when dealing with a narcissist. Here is what they wrote

“Narc’s do not love, They use

Replace the word love with use, and it will all make sense

I use you

I use you so much

I will always use you

I will never use anyone as much as I use you

You are the use of my life

I will use you forever

Second way to protect yourself while you are in love with a narcissist…find ways to be important to other people. You will never be important to a narcissist after the initial seduction phase. So, go teach sunday school and let kids adore you, be a girl scout leader and know you are super important to a group of kids, visit old people in facilities, I don’t care what you do, but be super important to several people or groups of people because the narc will tear you down and try to make you believe you are less than nothing. The subtle jabs putting you down will wear you thin. You need to continually fight their narcissim with validation that you are fucking awesome. Get out there and prove it, so they can’t touch your confidence. You are beautiful, amazing, and powerful. Never forget that.

Histrionics. The best way to protect yourself is “don’t get sucked into the flattery”. Maintain a healthy distance. Know your worth, and know your humility. If they flatter you into uncomfortableness, point it out. Ask for level behavior. Ask to be treated normal. When they get hysterical back off, and cooly ask them if they are okay. My favorite is to ask them if you should dial 911 for them. If it really is an emergency then 911 is the answer. You are not an emergency hotline. Hell, have all the emergency hotline numbers in your wallet or on a business card and offer them the numbers corresponding to their emergency. 

Cluster C personality disorders: the anxious and fearful.

Dependent’s. Boundaries are so important with dependent’s. Make sure you have space so you don’t get smothered. These people will love you to death and care for your needs till you cringe. 

There are a few good words that can help a dependent tone it down, like, “Please stop”. My son’s favorite words are “Mom, I love you…stop.”

 A curt, wide-eyed, hard smile can work wonders in your favor. Some other good sentences are “I love it when you xyz…but this is too intense, tone it down and this will be more enjoyable…I love you, but this is borderline obsessive so please back off a little.”

Avoidant’s. Fear of rejection is the worst feeling. How do you relationship with someone crippled with this feeling? Evaluate your use of the English language. What words are you using? Did you say what you meant? The order you provided information helps. I had a boyfriend who reacted poorly to any text not well thought out. Before sending I pulled back and assessed what he saw on the screen upon opening. I learned to make sure it was always positive. Even if we were arguing. Reassurance is something most disordered people crave. If you are arguing, always lead with reassurance. You don’t want to break up, you are introducing positive evolution to the relationship. You will need to be emotional with other people, not your partner. Your partner needs your acceptance. We all need to vent. You will need to find a venting friend. Venting with a friend who values your secrets is key. 

Obsessive’s. The best way to protect yourself with an obsessive is to let them obsess. Don’t take it personally. You are not the one that broke them. It has nothing to do with you. Find the benefit in it. If they go into cleaning rampages when they are triggered maybe learn their trigger and use that to your advantage? If they hoard money, ask them to help you create a savings envelope. It can be quite useful, really. But when you want to go on vacation and waste a shit load of cash on fun stuff, go without them. Find a fun friend to go with.

So what does a comorbidity look like?

I am dependent and a sociopath. I need people. Need. I dissociate when I am alone for more than an hour. So, I will do anything to keep people around. I will focus on their needs fulfilling their whims (but only because I want them addicted to me so they won’t leave me).

I also don’t care about people. I don’t take their feelings into consideration. Even the people I love most. Yes, I love deeply and intensely. Meanwhile, I am fulfilling my own needs behind their backs since I am attracted to people that don’t give a shit about what I need. These people that I devote my time and money to don’t celebrate my birthday or offer to fill my gas tank after I spend months driving their kids around in my car waiting on them hand and foot.

So I have sets of people that need me because I take care of them but they don’t take care of me. Then I have other sets of people who fulfill my needs and I don’t give back to them because I am using them to get what I need. It’s all very twisted.

One of my ex’s (let’s call him Dick) is a narcissist and schizoid with anxiety and depression. He needs love. He’s a loner. He is a supreme and superb male specimen. He has a keen disdain for all his ex’s and only one was of any value to him and even she wasn’t good enough for him. Be wary of someone who actively and will forever despise their ex’s. Dick would never have married a woman or have had kids except this particularly clever woman managed to get knocked up with him. He was a gentleman and married her.

What happened next was shocking to him. He found something he never knew existed. Pride, meaning, Life. In this marriage “he actively avoided being in”, he found his soul ignited in an impossible way. The attention he received from work and relatives for getting married, having a wife, getting pregnant, buying a home, having a second kid… was intoxicating. He loved the attention. He loved his perfect family.

Yet, he avoided home at all costs going to the bar for hours after work, coming home drunk. His schizoid half could not engage with this woman or his children despite the pride he felt for his family. And when she finally left him, he despised her with a bleeding rage for taking away the very thing he didn’t even want. He hates her with a foamy blind rage to this day for wounding his narcissistic pride and destroying the perfect home he was unwillingly involved in.

I stupidly thought he was safe to fall in love with because he was the marrying type. Right? I mean he had been married before. I stupidly thought he was a family man because he had two kids. I fell soooo in love with this man. I made every excuse in the book for his behaviors all pointing to a selfish, self centered, egotistical, maniac. I persevered for years trying to align what I believed to be true with what I was actually experiencing, only to finally cave. This man had been tricked into “marriage and kids” and hated that it had happened. Hated having to take care of them, narcissistically fought for 50% custody out of spite, revenge, and financial reasons then neglected them the entire time they were at his house.

When I finally met the kids their inside joke was the daughter refused to wear underwear. Turns out all her underwear were from when she was 3 years old. The tags showed the size for a three year old and she was 7. I made her try them on and she could barely get them over her little butt. They pinched off her veins. Poor kid couldn’t physically wear them. Here was her dad spending hundreds of dollars a month on tennis, hundreds more on alcohol, hundreds more on nicorette gum and bubble gum each month mind you and his kids underwear were from four years ago.

This was not a man to be in love with. I slowly weaned myself off of him. I sure miss those kids though.

Do you write down the toxic things your partner says so you don’t forget? What coping mechanisms do you use in your relationship? What traits does your partner have and how do you counter them? What are the best mantras to stay sane? What is your safety net? Share with us on Tic Tok and Youtube.

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*** Finish conversation: Protect Yourself (your sanity, finances, heart, offspring, future) it’s okay to feel like you’re losing your mind. You may take on their traits sometimes. You don’t need to get on medication to stay in your relationship. You just need to remember they are acting illogical and irrational, and it is not your fault. They do not have the right to treat you this way. Your reaction to their actions is normal.

If you are dating someone and feel more alone than when you were single except you have more chores, work to do for them, and you are more broke because you are spending money on them…You are doing it wrong.

Yes, You need love. But when you are treated like an inconvenience, that is not love, that is abuse. My recommendation if you are still trying to salvage things? Ask them: “Oh, I’m sorry, is my presence an inconvenience for you”? If it is, simply leave the situation.

Their symptoms are a misguided attempt to get their needs filled. Symptoms come from a place of fear and anger. Remember that when they lash out, run away, hide, or blame you for their pain.

It can be addictive being the rational one. It’s okay to require your own validation while giving them their validation. It is okay to require reciprocation of loving behavior and healthy actions. It’s okay to give them a cool blank look when they are acting out of control. You don’t need to get sucked into their drama. You don’t need to sink into their depression. You don’t need to give up your joy. Choose joy.

Healthy relationships are mostly positive. You generally get along, both getting what you need, helping each other, and you have goals, plans, and direction.

In an unhealthy relationship there is no direction, planning, or goals. If you have needs then their needs flare up to take over.

There is no back and forth helping each other, and you have a feeling of pervasive negativity in your days that didn’t used to be there. Sometimes you just want to be happy for a few days in a row but they always find a way to bring you down.

People with personality disorders do not speak or act in ways that are healthy, and they know this. They have tools they use to trick people into a relationship with them. Love bombing in the begining. Love bombing is their ability to give what is needed to entice someone. Once you figure out they are crazy they will try to make you the crazy one. It is okay to remind yourself AND them when this is happening. They reeled you into their snare, despite having difficulties fitting in normal society.

You are not the reason they are unhappy. If you doubt this, find out if they were ever happy before you came along? Happy people are happy and you can add to that. Sad people are sad. Don’t let them “suck your soul dry”.

Roller coaster behavior is easy to get sucked into. Be the brick wall that holds firm during the tornado. See it for what it is. When a flooding river rages do you step inside or do you back away and let it pass? Stand back and get the entire view of what is happening and take time to assess how you will respond. Have a list of reactions that are appropriate and helpful. You are good enough. You have the right to be the center of attention sometimes. You are beautiful, amazing, and wonderful.

Answer audience questions and share their stories/ideas: 

I would like to introduce next week’s episode: What is Dating?

What is Dating? We sit on this podcast offering dating advice but what is the actual definition of dating? We understand large portions of the population cannot agree on a definition of dating. What does dating mean to you? How do you know when you are dating someone? Have you ever thought you were dating someone to find out they never saw you like that?

We want you guys to submit your ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you. And if you got anything out of today’s episode “share the  love”: subscribe, and rate us.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

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