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Kayla: I was so worried about being your co host. I have been pleasantly surprised by how relaxed you have been this past year. How is it that you give me so much freedom as your co host?

Rachel: “Are you talking about the research done by…Mooijman, Dijks’, and Ellemers? “Leader power, power stability, and interpersonal trust?”

Kayla: “Yes I am, That’s the one!!!”

Music Intro
Hey everyone, my name is Rachel
And this is Kayla with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

Add “Two Beats”
*Begin conversation

You are incredibly controlling and anal with the script, recordings, and editing but in the last year you gave zero fucks about the social media, commercial settings, and if we go months without releasing an episode. These two behaviors are so extreme. Please explain it to me.

I need a co host. This show is “my baby”. But it could never exist without you. There are things I need to be exact and hyper specific in order to be happy with the show. Those things would be the script, recording, and editing. I told myself to “let the rest go” once I found a co host. I would give my cohost one year to do or not do whatever the fuck they were going to do and I would barely interject or complain. After a year we could regroup to see what works and doesn’t work.

I am grateful. I actually feel like this is my show as well despite not having control over content. I think we are a good fit.

We both agree I am controlling and anal, so I have to ask you, do I power trip on you?

Well, I know for sure you guilt trip me. And you get angry with me, every week. So we argue about things like how many commercials we should have, if I wrote in the script yet, and if I sound like a zombie during recording. But those things are not power tripping. What about you Rachel? Do I power trip on you?

No. I don’t think you feel in control enough to power trip on me. But I agree that we are a good fit because you are strong enough to demand I step up when Im falling behind.

So, having power and being strong are not precursors to power tripping?

No, it would seem not. But I will tell you who does like to power trip me. My boyfriend.

🙄What’s your boyfriend doing now?

He had the balls to try to “punish” me.

Like, I am a full grown adult. Nobody can “punish” me. I am not a child. I don’t even think punishment works on children. You’re supposed to guide them.

How do you know if you are power trippin’ on someone or not? How do you know if someone is power trippin’ on you?

We don’t need scientific proof to know if someone is a power tripper. We just feel that shit.

But this is a science based podcast so let’s pull out the research.

Punishment.

Is it okay for your husband to punish you? If you are rude or do something wrong like spend money he doesn’t want you to, should he have the right to backhand you? In the middle ages there was a cartoon depicting a husband chasing his wife with a stick and the caption said “rule of thumb” as in, you could beat your wife as long as the switch was no thicker than your thumb.

When punishment is the goal, the person in power is either just trying to get your attention or purposely inducing fear and anxiety in you.

What they don’t realize is aggression is a natural side effect of being punished.

If a person getting punished pushes back, the punisher has to double their efforts to get you to listen OR they will berate you until you shut down emotionally. Have you experienced this yourself Rachel?

Our mom would line us up before a beating and make her way through the line. So, we watched each other get beat. Our mom used the wire end of a fly swatter to beat our butts, thighs, and lower backs. She was also a “wooden spoon” mom. There reached a point where we were as tall as her or taller, and we realized she wasn’t so scary and couldn’t hit that hard. This is when she started throwing us into the wall and kicking us. But this last bit was usually done in another room with the door closed. She started separating us and beating the living daylights out of us.
People who ‘trip out on power’ love it when targets “shut down emotionally” because they are easier to control. If you are a parent and you currently punish your kids…think about whether you are okay with them shutting down emotionally? Sure it makes today easier for you, but, what does that do to them in the long run and what does their future look like with romantic partners?

In addition to punishing, power comes from controlling critical resources. So, parents, teachers, bosses, governments, and the other “usual suspects” are all guilty of power tripping. Yet not everyone in power uses it to withhold resources or micro manage their underlings.
Researchers gathered data on people who ‘gain power and use punishment’. They found the combination of power and punishment gave “the people in power” trust issues. It’s like a vicious cycle that feeds itself. A simple way to avoid this is to guide your underlings instead of punishing them.
Punishing is fast and easy. It can get immediate results and you don’t have to put much thought or effort into it.
Is that kind of like saying “people who rely on punishment as a form of correction, are stupid”?
That’s not what I’m saying!
Although, maybe that is what I am saying.
I mean, think about it…correction brought about using punishment is built on a teetering unstable foundation.
Because of the aggression building in the transgressor?
Yeah! The transgressor is still not getting their needs met, so will transgress again. Also, punishments tend not to fit the crime because the punisher is doling out a swift and immediate reaction to the action usually without thinking it through or figuring out what is wrong in the first place to cause this action or behavior.
Habitual punishers follow a fork in the road leading them down a spiraling trend of swifter and more irrational punishments.
So, you are saying a manager that uses public embarrassment to punish an employee will steadily become more toxic? Or a parent that uses hitting as punishment will steadily grow more abusive?
Yes. And I wonder why anyone bothers with punishments. Why can’t we all take the high road full of patience, guidance, and understanding to fix problems?
It’s more effective to find the root of the problem and guide things to a solution using conversations, brainstorming, and modeling, (sure it takes ten times as long to fix the problem), but you are making sure the next “guided correction” is going to be easier, faster, and more community based.
If you want help… “switching from a punishment based position… to a guidance based position” simply decide to fit punishments to crimes. What was the crime? What needs to be installed so there is no reason to commit the crime in the first place? It’s not always going to be a punishment. In fact, the better you become at guiding people the less useful you will find punishments. And the more you will realize the system you had in place is not functioning properly for all members involved and changes need to take place on both ends to find a solution.
So if I commit a crime it’s because someone else is doing something wrong?
Yeah, Kind of.
When an offense has been committed, think to yourself “what is the desired outcome here”? My son got a C on a test in middle school. I could have grounded him, beat him, took away his technology, but I never punished him that way. His social life was imperative to me. It was essential he had a solid friend group and knew how to interact with his peers. So grounding was never an option. I am not fond of hitting things so that was rarely an option. I loved that he was skillful with his technology so I wasn’t going to take those from him. The crime was a C on his test. The goal was for him to get A’s on all future tests. The kid just needed structured study time that didn’t interfere with his social life. There was no crime to punish. We just needed to set up time for him to study and do his homework properly. Boom. done. Problem solved. No punishment. No crime. Just a poor system in place lacking what he needed to be successful.
Yes, but you were a stay at home mom. You could implement that and be a guiding force in his life helping him with his homework. Not everyone has that luxury.
Everyone has that luxury! I chose to forgo a new car, new clothes, vacations, a newer modeled home, savings, retirement, and keeping up with the Jones; to sit at home and structure our life in a way my son knew he was loved, understood, and trusted. He knew I believed in him. I was able to be present to guide his growth and development because I gave up having a dual income home. I had a list of traits I wanted him to possess and I enrolled him in every after school activity that instilled those traits. Not everyone has that luxury because they prioritize other life factors like money.
I decided to break the cycle of punishment in my family. I come from a long line of alcoholics who used harsh punishment tactics when I was growing up. I prefer to use gentle parenting. I like to redirect. Talk to them about their actions like falling and getting hurt when they climb a dangerous structure.
In the past I’ve had to guide, and be in power in a way that people may not even see as that. I’ve had to lead people to conclusions to understand. For instance, my son’s Autism, it’s tough to deal with and understand. Sometimes people see it as if I am just dramatic. So to get people to know WHY I insist on the level of control I have I tell them the “horror” stories. Whether it’s the literally shit paintings on his walls. They difficulty of affording the like 5 foods that he will willingly eat. The fact that he absolutely has and will run with abandonment no idea that a car could run him over even at 5 years old, his concept of safety and self care DO NOT EXIST. There for my control, my need to know where he is at all times, my refusal to let almost anyone else care for him had a reason, and the only way to help others understand seems to be telling the difficult dramatic stories.
In episode 19 you mention the men in your life “understand” “not to mess with you”. I forget how you put it, but essentially they would never cheat on you or treat you with disrespect. You are in a successful marriage. Do you power trip on your men? How do you share responsibilities without micromanaging him or your kids?
I have you fooled then, “I am the power trip”! My dad tried to teach us not to power trip out on people and tried to teach us never to let anyone have power over us. But in our family he had all the power. He had the money, he could buy what he wanted and needed and that caused resentment. Their marriage today, still has an imbalance of power. I was influenced by that and I know it’s wrong to hold power in a relationship but…I do micro-manage my husband. I think it’s healthy in a relationship… “if one person is more laid back then the other. One partner is going to have to step up. My family is important to me and I run a tight ship. That being said: we have a neurodivergent household. And it works best when things are structured and planned out.
The power balance in relationships is delicate if either side is not aware of their own behaviors. It takes willingness to listen to criticism, knowing your own weaknesses and strengths, and respecting boundaries. And if you believe you are above those things but your partner isn’t…there is already a power imbalance.

There are words that promote balanced relationships

and words that describe the infliction of power in relationships

Balanced relationships require both sides to give and receive attention, both sides must be willing to make accommodations for each other in times of need, mistakes are normal and if we can’t make mistakes with people we love the world is a sad lonely place indeed, partners in balanced relationships protect each other, forming an oasis from the world that can be cruel, this includes apologizing with efforts to not make the same mistakes repeatedly, and there is an emphasis in fairness making sure both partners are getting their needs met. For my husband and I there is a balance of understanding in social situations, I know he HATES loud and busy situations, it is overwhelming! That means the social butterfly in me doesn’t plan many dates at busy loud places, and at family gatherings I make sure he has a calm and quiet space. He knows that sometimes I need to have time to dissociate and unmask, which often is me scrolling mindlessly on my phone, something he finds annoying and ridiculous, but he tolerates it so I can feel in control of my mental health.

Power riddled relationships are a different beast altogether. One person is happy while the other person is struggling to make them happy. Instead of a continuous cycle of feeding each other and lifting each other up there is a systematic deliverance of lies, fear, rejection, shame, aggression, unreasonable expectations, name calling, and neglect. If this is done in the guise of a joke, if they are always “kidding” it can be especially traumatic since you don’t know what is real and what you might be exaggerating.

What is an example of you providing a balanced relationship, Rachel?

When my son went to his fathers every summer, holidays, and long weekends, I never called him. I never canceled or switched his father’s time. When my son was in high school, his robotics team made nationals, and the tournament was during his father’s time. He begged me to cancel the flight and to let him go with his team. There was no way. His dad barely got any time with him compared to how much time I got with him. I made it clear the activities he was enrolled in were just that…activities to be enrolled in. They were not entities that took away parental rights or interfered with parent relationships. Activities were supposed to enhance a family, not tear it apart.

Sure you make it sound easy. But not everyone was lucky like you landing the perfect father figure for your son. Some people have to deal with crazy, drunken, or whoring men as role models to their children and have to protect them from those bad influences.

Hahhaha. Wrong. Every father has a right to raise their children as they see fit. If the two of you can’t do that together then you will do it apart. And every woman out there denying a father his rights to influence the child as they see fit is power trippin to the max. Children have a right to know their parents. Your butthurt feelings never come before a man’s right to his child. My son knew both of his parents equally. I never said a single bad word to my son about his dad until he was 23 years old. And the very first time I said something negative the look in his eyes was “shock”. He knew I would defend his father no matter what. Except my son wasn’t a child anymore. He was 23. At 23 it is okay to air your dirty laundry.

What could you say wrong about his perfect dad?

Do you want to know what his dad does for fun? He fills up trash bags with gasoline and throws the bag off a balcony into a bonfire. He rents yachts with the intent to sink it by trying to use waves and wind to tip it over. He puts mattresses in the middle of abandoned roads in Montana to drive at, in order to flip the SUV. He is a chronic cheater, drinker, adrenaline junky who likes to blow things up. My son came home after a four day weekend when he was 11 and proceeded to describe them placing propane tanks in the middle of bonfires to watch them explode.

That is so dangerous. So you put your son’s life at risk every time you let him visit his father? That is so irresponsible of you.

The only thing I did that was irresponsible was not wear a condom. Everything after that was me “being responsible”. This man had four other kids he had full access to. That side of his family is bat shit crazy. If I didn’t want my son influenced that way, I should have worn a condom. It is not my place to dictate a father get zero access to his own bloodline.

I had a right to fight for supervised visitation. That is everyone’s right. If you feel the other parent is not fit to be alone with your child you can fight for supervised visitation. Every woman out there right now denying a father visitation or equal custody is a psychotic bitch

Hey now, it is okay to protect your kids from dangerous people.

Yes, with supervised visitation. Not by denying someone access to their own flesh and blood. No matter how dangerous a man is, he has a right to spend time with his kids. If you feel the need to fight for supervised visitation then you have that right. Do it. Good for you. But if you interfere, hinder, or try to deny a father’s time, then you are power trippin. And yes, that includes scheduling clubs, activities, practice, party invitations, classes, lessons, or any other bullshit excuse women like to bully onto a father’s time with his kids. If he didn’t sign the kid up for it, then it should never occur during his time with them. Either raise the kids together in agreement peacefully or keep your shit on your own time.

I disagree. I have seen circumstances in my own family that make me take the opposite stance. My sister has two kids with a guy who was dangerous, Physically and emotionally abusive, to the degree he threatened to hurt or kill THEIR child if she tried to leave. I don’t think he should have had any visitation rights. Their second child was conceived because he literally trapped and raped her for DAYS. I think sometimes mom’s have a right to prevent fathers like that from being involved.

So we agree to disagree. She has resources available to help her out of that situation and the courts can set up supervised visitation with actual police in the room to make sure all is well.

She did, the courts made mistakes, the piece of paper that says, “Stay Away” per the judges ruling, doesn’t actually stop a grown man from coming through the door and beating a woman senseless, to hospitalize her.

Which is why you should vet who you fuck and breed with before you willy nilly get into a relationship with some loser. Date until you know what you are facing, people.

Jesus what was your mother like?

My mother dodged every visitation. She had excuse after excuse. I never met my dad until I was 23.

He was a pedophile.

Supervised visitation! I never got it. I never knew my dad and that was incredibly destructive to me growing up. He had rights. I had rights. My incubator denied him those rights. And that is evil. I had a right to know where I came from, who my dad was, what he was like, what the other half of me was.

My mother sexually abused us. (…So, my dad can’t know or see me when he sexually abused my aunts and babysitters but my mother who sexually abused me…gets to raise me?) I have to spend every day with her? My mother is a liar, thief, whore, child abuser, pedophile, and recreates history so she is the hero and the most awesome, funny, savior on the planet.

Like what does she say?

When I was ten we were sitting at the table waiting for her to finish cooking breakfast. Mind you the morning was going horrible because she never cooked for us or spent time with us unless she was abusing us. So her cooking breakfast at 7:00am on a Saturday morning was unusual and we were complaining about it. We wanted to sleep. She got so pissed we were not delighted to act like a perfect family at 7am with her that she spun around with the cast iron pan she was frying breakfast in and threw it like a frisbee at my brother’s head. He had to duck in order to not get his skull crushed in. The pan was large enough to hold breakfast for six people. You want to know what she says when we bring that up???????

“If I meant to hit you I wouldn’t have missed.”

She refused to pay for anything for us, so we all got jobs. You want to know what she did?

She stole our babysitting money.

This woman continues to sabotage our adult romantic relationships by trying to seduce our partners or our partner’s family members, fabricates stories about their pasts, rips up passports so we cannot be together.

She has 5 kids. Three of us won’t talk to her. We hide our contact information so she can’t email, text, or send postal mail to us. We block her on social media. We use lies with our mom as a safety mechanism. It is the only way to protect ourselves from her and it’s translated into very negative adult habits that are difficult to break.
In order to have power, you have to have someone to have power over. That is why my mother doesn’t know where i live, what state I live in, or know my phone number. Do I wish I never knew her? No, that would have caused the same problem as not knowing my father. If you have a problem with a co parent then get supervised visitation. Don’t pretend you have a god given right to delete a child’s right to know their parent.
Kayla, what do you do that provides balance to your relationship?

Well damn, you’re making me realize I have a little problem needing to be in control. While I do discuss a lot of decisions with my husband, I’m also the type who decides what kind of vehicle I am going to buy, because even though I asked his opinion, I didn’t really care…about his opinion.

That being said when it comes to our kids, there is always a balance, changing our son’s therapy? We both decide. Getting our kid evaluated for Autism, yup both involved. I discuss meals with him, because I don’t want him to feel like I only make food I like. BUUUUT when I am determined, I find a way to get my way…

Unfortunately a power tripper’s wet dream are underlings in a submissive role like students, children, employees, weak people, givers, or survivors of abuse.

What about people that look like they are power tripping but inside their own mind that is not what’s happening? Sometimes a person’s behavior can be seen as power tripping when really it is a self defense mechanism. If they had an abusive childhood they will have barriers up that provide protection that can look like a power trip when really they are just making sure they don’t get taken advantage of.

When real power trippers meet those people with boundaries “they cry foul”. It can all be a convoluted mess trying to figure out who is controlling versus who is maintaining healthy boundaries.
Only you can know the dynamics of your childhood, parents, neighborhood, religion, and the society you grew up in. It’s possible the most controlling, domineering person in your life may be… protecting themselves.
For instance, my father grew up in a situation where his mother was very controlling and demanding and his dad, who was a very gentle soul, just let her win the battles. Dad growing up saw this, so he in turn has always been very controlling. He raised all three of his daughters to be strong and capable, and to not let a man control us. So in some twisted way he felt he was coping and protecting himself but then taught us something contradictory to the behavior he exhibited.
If you understand fear, “you can understand the reactions to fear”. Being able to spot the difference between self protection, healthy boundaries, and entitled encounters will help you navigate relationships better. It will help you give the appropriate response to any given situation.
Let’s say you are a man and you are trying to get a woman from a dating app to go on a date with you and she seems awfully controlling about the timing, location, or activity, she might just be orchestrating a safe date for herself. Or, she could be a control freak. If you are a control freak then, she is more likely to look like a control freak to you. When maybe she is just trying to keep herself safe. If you live your life “pushing to get what you want”, if you feel like “everyone is in your way”, or “a pain in your ass”…there is a good chance you are the control freak.
Let’s look at some statistics for why some people get aggressive about protecting themselves. I took a poll on Reddit asking only men “who had been molested as a child?”. ..23% percent of males answering the poll had been molested. Google says 17% of males are molested as children. So, there is a little disparity there. I am not sure why.
Data gathered on suicidal people shows 50% have been victims of rape or dating violence.
So we can cut suicide in half by being nice? If everyone on the planet stopped being such assholes
Childhood abuse can lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and more abuse later in life. The earlier someone is exposed to abuse the more escalated types of abuse they tolerate as adults from their intimate partners.
Approximately 20% of men and 13% of women cheat. The people being cheated on are devastated when they find out.
All these people set intense boundaries when they start healing. And because of past experiences “their tolerance levels for abuse” will be pretty low even if your interaction with them was completely innocent.

But you said past abuse causes someone to be more tolerant and accepting of abuse.?

Ah! Yes, but note the difference. Un healed people are still entrenched in habitual abusive relationships. People on a healing path have low tolerances for abusive behaviors and will nip that in the bud right quick when they see hints of it. Being ignorant of your own behavior and how it can be construed as abusive in “any way shape or form” is not an excuse to continue being shitty to people.

‘Research data gathering efforts’ have concluded community service and jail don’t prevent crimes. There are people in our society that would prefer rehabilitation to prisons. And a look at any headlines will show you the disparity between sentences given out to the variety of “criminals” in the headlines.

Any system whether a home, job, government, or society functions best when each member is engaged in solving problems that crop up. When ‘an entity’ becomes too large, it is no longer effective for everyone to raise their voice to offer solutions and the development of “the little man” becomes a problem in and of itself.

America tends to live separate from family instead of taking care of each other. We place value on living alone in big houses instead of creating a family home environment that integrates each generation’s abilities. Grandparents are patient and bored. Toddlers need guidance and are entertaining. But we put grandpa in an old folks home we can’t afford while dishing out another shit ton of cash for crowded childcare environments.

The Dalai Lama said “Females have more sensitivity about others’ well being.” But I see as many women power tripping in jobs, families, friends, schools, and relationships as men. Which is exactly why we put dear old domineering grandma in a home and hire a sitter who will listen to what we say in regards to raising our children.

Yeah! I don’t think power tripping is a male or female issue. I think it is a power issue.

We struggle with power issues when it comes to family members controlling us and our decisions. But I am not sure hiding the elderly away in elder care facilities to rot is a healthy solution. There are more loving ways to get rid of controlling elders. In Japan, UK, Australia, Spain, Singapore, Canada, and the US there are multi generational facilities that pair preschools with nursing homes. The kids and elders do art together. The elders volunteer to hold and feed babies from the infant room, and they teach the preschoolers Mandarin or Spanish. “A Harris poll commissioned by Generations United and the Eisner Foundation found that nearly all Americans believe older adults and children have skills and talents to help one another, and 85 percent would prefer a shared site that fosters intergenerational connection over an age-segregated facility”. In fact, Dutch countries create affordable housing for seniors and young mothers to live together offering social support, guidance, and connection.

If you are an employee who hates your job you are more likely to not care. By not caring you will cause problems. This can be a form of power tripping. If you are so belligerent and arrogant in your laziness or low effort performance “you are flexing your power in defiance”. But it would be better for everyone if you just quit! Get a different job.

If you are a manager who makes employees hate their jobs, then you are the problem. Most companies have a combination of both, exacerbating each other in a vicious cycle.

Too many times I have been a student, wife, employee, neighbor, or classroom assistant pointing out system flaws only to be mocked, put down, punished, or ignored.

What do you do in those circumstances?

I walk away. I don’t want to be part of that crap.

Yeah no one ever listens to me either. In fact I have literally made that comment to a few of my favorite co workers. I talk, I give ideas, I am a ghost that no one hears.

So, Rachel how do you power trip?

I actually power trip quite often.

I believe that.

But not in the way you would think Kayla. My persona here on the podcast is forward, to the point, blunt, and aggressive. But in real life I am not like this. I play dumb. I lack technology. I maneuver my life so others can’t hold power over me. That is my power trip. (Ha ha, you have zero power over me. I don’t seek power over others. And I avoid others having power over me.)

College has been the first situation I put myself in that I cannot avoid others holding power over me. It has been a test of my will to not quit every class course run by some power tripping asshole instructor. Being 50 gives me too much leverage to navigate interactions with these assholes. I’m a student yet I am the same age as them or older so I also get to approach them at eye level as a peer. And I do this dance of trying not to get kicked out of class yet passing the class while not letting them be an asshole to me. Which is tricky because teachers like that, tend to be an asshole to the entire class, and I sit there taking it personally trying to figure out how to make it stop.

So you’re saying submissive behavior can be a form of power tripping?

Yeah, pretending to be weak can be a form of power tripping. Pretendin to be stupid or incompetent can be a form of power tripping.
What power do submissives have?
Let’s role play. I am the submissive in our relationship. Who has the power?

I do!!!

Correct. Who gets to make all the decisions?

Me!!!

Having to make all the decisions can be exhausting. You have to be in control of everything. I get to sit on my sweet ass and not think, not plan, not

Hey! That’s not fair. I don’t want to be in control anymore. I want to be “the submissive”.

Too bad. I’m too weak, poor, and stupid to be in control. You have to be for me. I just can’t do anything right.

The “mental load” is a combination of short and long term planning, and emotional labor; an invisible mental load we carry with us to work, vacation, and keeps us awake while our partner falls deep asleep next to us. The mental load can’t be turned off because it’s never complete (it’s the care of our loved ones, which is ongoing).

How much laundry needs to be done and when can it fit into the schedule, who needs to see the dentist, who’s outgrowing their shoes and underwear, what day is the recital, the car needs an oil change soon, and suzy’s friend has a birthday next week, the cat needs to go to the vet, and we forgot to take the trash to the curb.

Measuring a person’s mental load should be standard in health and social surveys as this varies from family to family. For instance, my high needs family is a greater mental load for me than your family was for you.

I agree. I have an internal mental load affecting me from my childhood abuses but that is long past. It affected my relationships but you are under a lifelong pressure I could never comprehend.

If I had a power tripping or lazy husband, or any other stressor in my life that was dragging me down, I could not handle what I need to do on a weekly basis. My mental load on a weekly basis is filled with Making sure all the medications are filled. Being invited to a cousin’s birthday at Chuck E Cheese, is that much sensory stimulation going to cause a massive meltdown? I find myself considering the likelihood of safety issues that he could come in contact with such as open doors to high traffic areas. Is there a place I can change a diaper for a child the size of a 7 year old? How do I plan a playdate where he will be able to play, or where his brother can join in Making sure any upcoming school closures are considered and planned for and more!

Employers should adopt better policies that allow for greater work-life reconciliation to lessen the mental load. For instance I am so lucky to have a family business I can work for. My dad is my boss, he lets me adjust my hours for my son’s therapy needs. In most jobs I would be let go for having to change my schedule at the drop of a hat for the parent meetings I need to go to with his therapists. I would never get hired at a new job if they knew half of the accommodations I need for a kid who legitimately can’t be brought to most daycare providers because even though his is physically 5 he has no real communication skills, has a diet more limited than most 6 month olds due to selective eating and he requires incredibly specific reactions to behaviors in order to help him understand social cues! Caregiving should be a vital infrastructure developed and invested in by governments to reduce competing work and care demands.
Men and women that avoid the mental load will conveniently forget a partner’s birthday or don’t know how to celebrate it in a way that feels good. They don’t know the last time the sheets have been changed or towels were washed. They don’t help plan meals. They don’t pay attention to the growth of their own children to know if winter boots still fit. They don’t know their own kid’s schedules or routines. They avoid learning their partner’s or kid’s friends names or contact info. They don’t plan ahead for holidays, days off, or vacations. They have no idea what appointments are coming up or what appointments need to be made.
They sit on their phone or play video games while you struggle to get everything done on time for bedtime, Christmas, back to school in the fall, or hell, as you struggle to get everything done on time for Monday.
And when you finally blow up, raging at them they get all weepy and hurt whining “Just tell me what to do”. “Let me know if I can help”, “What do you want done, I’ll do it”
If you say those things you are a power tripping genius.
Weaponizing incompetence. I see this every day in the reddit sub thread called Relationship Advice. Women are in there every day complaining about partners who weaponize their own incompetence or ignorance about what it takes to run a household or be in a healthy successful relationship. Hundreds of men comment on women’s posts continuously saying “did you ask him?” Did you tell him what you need?” Putting the work on her. It is not our job to teach a full grown man how to “relationship”.
Men will pretend to not know a child’s snotty face needs to be wiped down yet they manage entire sports teams, are CEOs of corporations, own fortune 500 companies, managing businesses, which would be fine if women were not as well. But we are. Across the Big four, nine of the 133 teams have female leaders at the helm. Six of the NFL teams are owned by women. Women own fortune 500 companies.
So, a dual income home is a 50/50 split down the middle relationship. If someone in a 50/50 relationship acts like they deserve an award for “helping you out”, remember they are not helping. It is a relationship. They are doing their share. It does not deserve an award or gold star. Rewarding someone takes extra time and effort and should only be done when extra time and effort is given above and beyond the 50/50.
Rachel, the thing is, marriage, or any healthy relationship, shouldn’t be 50/50! You should both be giving 100%,… 50/50 is divorce, cause you split the sheets and go!
You had four husbands. Did any of them give the 100% relationship effort?
Yes, My second husband was the only 100%er. He had a job. I had a home business. He had his child, I had my child. We split chores equally for the household. I did inside motherly things. He did all the manly tool based yard and home maintenance. There was no way I was ever going to mow the lawn or rake leaves. He did all that. Here is the cherry on top. He was a boy scout leader and so was I. We both volunteered at church. He took the kids out for activities without me so I could take a bath or nap. He was the most fair partner I have ever had when it came to us each giving 100%. We enjoyed being parents together. It worked well. If he hadn’t gotten physically abusive I would have had the perfect marriage with him.
Another form of power trippin is not noticing when someone is giving normal effort. If someone is going out of their way to think about you, picking up things you like, watching your shows with you, eating foods you like, and you are treating it like it’s not enough or like you don’t have to do any of that…you are saying you deserve normal treatment and they don’t.
If you are bending over backwards to please a partner and they don’t reciprocate…please stop. Stop wasting your time and effort on someone that isn’t willing to lift a finger for you.
And if you act like the normal attention you are giving is a gift from god, please step off your high horse and learn about 100% normal definitions of healthy relationships. It is normal to go out of your way to think about someone you love, picking up things they like, watching their shows 50% of the time, eat foods they like 50% of the time.
There are women who nit pick and micro manage a man raising his kids in his own home. When a partner is pulling their weight and giving 100%, honor their effort, if it is different from the way you would do it, and show gratitude even if you don’t like how they are doing it.
Have regular conversations about what needs to be done.
We all know about toxic: work environments, friend groups, marriages, parenting, financial loans.

Creating a healthy environment takes time and effort. It also requires giving up power to allow others autonomy and power in the decision making.

• Have you ever borrowed money from someone that proceeded to lord it over you and dictate your actions or choices, since you owe them money? Did you have a friend that micro managed the friend group? Do your parents blindly trample through your life as if they are neanderthals? How do you deal with partners that power trip on you? How do you regain your own sense of power and is it worth it to stick around and play that game?

Do you feel entitled to punish people when they “don’t do what you want”? If you know you can do a task faster, easier, and better than someone else, what harm is there in letting them do it “wrong”? How do you expect them to grow and learn if they are not allowed to make “mistakes”. Is there only one correct way of doing something? Is a lesson better learned if someone struggles through it or if they are dictated on how to execute it?

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As a neuroscientist student, what is your favorite experiment on power tripping?
There is a pretty famous experiment called the Stanford Prison Experiment.
24 students were randomly assigned as prisoners or guards in 1971 and led to the basement of a Stanford University building. To study the effects of authority and power the students were given free reign in their roles. The 2 week experiment was cut off on the 6th day because the guards were power tripping hard. Things got out of hand.
There are so many stories of authority figures power tripping the innocent. It would be pointless to spend any time talking about it here. We all hear stories about priests, politicians, pimps, bad parents, bosses, let’s talk about things closer to home that affect you and me.
Okay but first I am going to do a brief bit on the “alpha wolf data collection”.
On one hand we have data about the sophisticated group hierarchy of wolf packs. That data talks about alpha, beta, and omega wolves. Guess what?
What?
That’s not how wolf packs really work. In the wild, wolves are less structured than that.
Most wolf packs are two parents and their pups. If the group is larger it’s because a few older offspring still live at home. The “pack” is just a family with the adults in charge because they’re the parents.
Yeah, but there’s actual data on wolf pack behavior. Rudolf Schenkel wrote about it in 1947 after studying wolves at the Basel Zoo in Switzerland.
And that is what happens when you put a bunch of wolves in prison. You get prison behavior. Just like the Stanford prison experiment. The average human doesn’t walk around torturing people. The average wolf doesn’t walk around being “alpha” to passing wolves.
So, what you’re trying to say is if we put our spouse in a prison environment at home they will act like they are in prison.
That’s exactly what I was trying to say.
So for some people when they have no control or power at work, they maybe have an overbearing boss, or a leader in their church that doesn’t let them have freedom of speech, It may turn into them coming home and feeling then need to being in control with their partners or their children sometimes to an intense level right down to if you don’t dress a certain way, act a certain way, they are going to have an issue with it. Because they need their power somewhere. And they are not getting that at work. And they are failing to separate their work/life balance.
For me, I have no problem if certain people think I’m mean. If it allows me to have control of a situation that I need power in.
Life is what you make of it. When my son was 12 my husband and I wanted to purchase a new couch. We had a difficult time agreeing on the kind of couch we were going to get. He wanted a nice couch. I had a 12 year-old son. I wanted a new couch but certainly not a nice couch.
You wanted a couch he could spill cereal on! Jump on! Get dirty.
We had the power to make sitting on the couch for the next six years stressful or comfortable.We ended up with a couch that didn’t match our other furniture or the room it was in. We both looked forward to getting rid of it and every time a spill occurred we just said “clean it up”. No freaking out. No stress. No punishment.
I’ve been in someone’s apartment that was disgustingly filthy and that in itself is a power trip. “You can’t make me clean my place for you, this is my house.” Meanwhile, there is nowhere to sit down without getting food or gum on your pants. You would rather pee in the yard than sit on their toilet. If you are so self absorbed you refuse to acknowledge other people’s comfort, then you are on a trip.
And the opposite is true. If you insist on levels of luxury that make living there like walking on egg shells, then you are trippin’.
There is plenty of research data on age, sex, socioeconomic, ethnicity, development delays, childhood abuse, peer power structures, alcohol and drug use, and marital status contributing to power inequality in relationships.
Give me an example of relinquishing power.
When I was traveling on the Renaissance Circuit I spent a few of those years as a babysitter. Some of the other babysitters were 13 and 14 years old, others were like me; adults chilling with all the neighborhood kids in a relaxing environment. During a particular festival I was hanging out with some of these teen sitters and we were all babysitting in the same park. There was one girl who had never fastened a cloth diaper. I could have done it for her. But I refused. I kept telling her, “Oh, you know, I am not the sitter, I am afraid you’re gonna have to do it yourself for safety reasons. They hired you, they want you to be the one changing the diaper.” I talked her through it. She did it so wrong the diaper was hanging off to one side. I praised her. I was like: good job. She was like “yeah, I did it. It’s awesome. And she’s like: it’s not “on right”. It’s definitely not on right. She asked me, again, to help. I refused. We were outside. Zero bad was gonna happen if this toddler peed or pooped on the side of its leg in the grass or sand. So, an hour later she tries to fix it again. It got a little better. Another hour after that. She did it again and it got even better. she kept getting this feeling of empowerment everytime she did it better. She also felt empowered by the fact that I as an adult didn’t give a shit that the diaper was half-off this baby. I didn’t care that she was doing it wrong. Poop and pee are usually not dangerous. We had wipes. We had water. Any accidents that happened we were going to clean it up. Like it’s not even a big deal. So even though the diaper was still a little saggy she was getting better at it every time she practiced. By the time the mother picked her baby up in the evening, this teenager was an expert at pinning cloth diapers. It was tight, it was snug, and she felt really good about herself. That was never going to happen if I pinned that babies diaper for her. I could have spent the day chastising, berating her, telling her how she was doing it wrong. I could have lorded it over her that the poor baby was going to poop out the saggy leg. I could have power tripped the fuck out of her. But why? I got more joy watching her get empowered as she figured it out.

Kayla, give me an example of relinquishing power.

I’ll be honest. This is something I struggle with, I am very much a “oh I’ll just do it” type. I am learning though because it’s exactly what my kids need me to do. So I have learned to let my 3 year old put clothes on inside out and backwards. To dress himself for the day even if it means half his outfit is Pajamas. It’s a daily struggle, I don’t think it’s because I want power though, I think that comes from me not wanting him to look silly as hell.

So, I have a favorite video. I don’t use media a lot. I don’t watch tv. I don’t do the whole tiktok thing. But when I have too…I have stumbled across a video. I fell in love with this video. I don’t know if anybody out there has seen it. If you haven’t I hope you look for it. So, to me this is the perfect example of a lack of power in a dynamic setting with a child. It’s an uncle and a toddler niece pouring drinks and yelling “Yeet”. Y-e-e-t. So this man allows the child to learn, grow, make mistakes, and he gives her the power of autonomy. These videos fill my heart with joy every time I watch them. My favorite video that shows the perfect power dynamics with a child is the Uncle and Toddler Niece Pouring drinks and yelling Yeet videos. This man allows the child to learn, grow, make mistakes, and gives her the power of autonomy. These videos fill my heart with joy.
Love yeet baby. She is so cute! She has a little brother now who’s also learning the yeets. Just so you know.
Oooh,
But who has that kind of patience? Who has that kind of time? Who is willing to clean up that kind of mess over and over again? Only very special people with a special bond. Do you have that bond with your spouse? Your kids? Your students? Your employees? Your lover? If your lover made an embarrassing mistake… are you ‘one to roll your eyes’ or make it fun?
Every relationship has needs. Each individual has needs.

Can you list your own needs?

Can you list their needs?

How many of those are you fulfilling correctly? Do you need to be reminded? Do you need to be asked?

Is there an imbalance in how many needs you have vs how many they have?

Tell us your stories. We have Tic Tok and Youtube.

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I need to know some details about men “power tripping” on you. The sheer volume of men you interact with has to “come with some shit”.
Okay, help me read some of these DM’s I get on Reddit from men I have zero idea who they are:
“I’m just bored and randomly message women in hopes of potentially having the opportunity to bed them”.
“I would fuck the living daylights out of you. Sexy as fuck.”
😇“I am trying to get to know you…, if you don’t mind, I want you to be my sugar baby.”
See, it’s Interesting, that particular comment, when I read that it read it differently in my head. I thought he was annoyed because I hadn’t answered him in like six hours.
What do you mean?
I read it like: “I am trying to get to know you if you don’t mind. I want you to be my sugar baby.”
That is the calamity of the written word. It is easy to assign power tripping where it doesn’t exist.
Some of these are just gross.
“I know what’s your problem, you’ve never gotten fucked good your uptight.. I feel bad. You deserve a fat nut on your face”
Omg rachel, so these people just come out of the blue and message you this stuff? Like wtf. How do you answer them?
It depends on what they are saying. Like this guy said: “I thought u looked sexy Icl (like literally the three letters i-c-l. I’m like “I don’t know what this means”. **(I had to google what icl means!) and he’s like typing me back.
It’s, “I can’t lie”
Lol, okay, so then he’s like: “I want you lol”
I figure out what i-c-l means. It means “I can’t lie”. He won’t stop messaging. He’s totally being a pervert, so I type him back, I’m like…
“…you want me to drive to your house right now?” and he said “Yea or come pick me upppp, (like literally he’s typing p, p, p,.) Come on darling, Hey baby, we can have great sex, I’m the best shag ur single ass will get”
So you chat with them?
Not all of them. A fair amount I ignore. The really bad ones like these I will answer like it is a personal contest to see who can be the most disgusting. I will say things like: “Pony up stud muffin. Show me some anal sex with a banana. I would be honored to see you give yourself anal with a cucumber for me.”
You say this to them?
Yeah, they started it.
So this just escalates back and forth until what?
Until I piss them off so much they stop messaging. There was one guy I kept sending him links to like the foulest barfy porn I could find online, It took two days for him to finally give up.
But what does this accomplish? Normal healthy people just ignore, delete, or block messages like this.
I guess that is why I engage. These predators crawl through the internet sending unsolicited dick pics and offensive messages to young teenagers and random people…I can’t let it go. I have to sling it back in their face until they get creeped out by me. I have 46 people in my DM’s sending me messages like this. I have no idea who these people are.
So every private message you get is a disgusting creeper?
No. Some are timid and shy creepers. I have 10 people in my DM’s sending normal boring probing conversations to see if they can steer me into sexting with them. Those I don’t mind. It’s not degrading. And then I get like 20 messages a day just from the conversations that I post and comment on that are non sexual. Which is why, That’s why I am on there. I’m on there for non sexual conversations. So it’s weird to me that people will randomly DM me with the most perverted sicko stuff. But, Tinder is just as bad. It’s the same ratio of disgusting messages versus normal conversation stuff. The way you’re going to introduce yourself to a person you know you might want to lead in with the normal.
What kind of power imbalances do you have with your husband?
When Cory and I worked together our relationship was against company policy because he was a manager and there was a concern of abuse of power. Some people like being “powerless” in sex, even to the point of rape fantasies, and vice versa. Some women use sex as a source of power, teasing only to take it away, denying it when they feel a partner has not earned it.
So, is there a sex imbalance in your guyses life?
Only the fact that my drive is 10 times higher
You know I have a favorite ex boyfriend right?
Yeah, you talked about him once.
We took a trip to Death Valley and parked on top of a hill with a fantastic view. We hiked around and when we were ready to head to the hotel he could not find his keys to his truck to save his life. We searched everywhere. Got down on our knees, Dug in the sand underneath, near the driver’s door. Re-walked our hike path. We finally had to call a tow truck. This entire time, we were looking for these keys. I was cracking jokes and being genuinely funny with him because it was funny. It was the funniest shit. I had ever seen, we were stuck in Death Valley on the top of a mountain and we couldn’t find the fucking keeeys. It was like epic hilarity.
So, where were the keys?
In the sand, under the driver’s door!!!
No way
We looked so many times. We were down there like digging through the sand. The tow driver pulls up. And he’s like: “Well, the most obvious place it would be is you probably dropped it when you were getting out of the truck. So, he bends down in the same spot we had just spent two hours digging around in, and he lifted up the keys. I’m not even kidding.
So, later that night when we were in the hotel and we were being all snuggly, he was so emotional. He was like holding me, and he was being so sincere. And he said that most women being put in a situation like that would have been rude, snide, made jokes blaming him for doing something wrong while punishing him. And I was like: “well, who would do that?” And he was like: “every girl I’ve ever been with”. Does just the stupidest little thing and they just get all you know snippy and sniddy, and I’m like “well, that sounds miserable”. And he’s like “Yeah, well my relationships have been miserable”. He’s like “I had the most fun today with you making a mistake. I lost my keys and we had so much fun around that.” And I just think that’s how life should be.
Yeah, it’s absolutely terrible that anybody would treat him in such a negative way for something so simple as losing your keys. Pretty sure we’ve all done it at one point or other, right?
So many people are willing to power trip over something that is not important. It’s like “is this a danger, are we about to die? It’s like “no, they just enjoy power tripping you.”
There is nothing wrong with fighting. It’s normal. It happens in almost every relationship. It’s how and when you fight that matters. There is a big difference between fighting for your relationship and fighting simply to be a dick.
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