Ep 19: Sexual Coersion

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Rachel: Kayla, I’m really upset you didn’t drink the cup of tea I made you. Why are you doing this to me?

Kayla: “Are you talking about the research done by Farris et al…Sexual coercion and the misperception of sexual intent?”

Rachel: “Yes I am, That’s the one!!!”

Music Intro

Hey everyone, my name is Kayla

And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

Add “Two Beats”

*Begin conversation Is it sexual coercion or just misinterpretation?

😇Some researchers have suggested sexual cohercion is just an accident where men or women get confused about their target’s desires. Implying the rapist saw signs of desire that didn’t exist (or saw small signs mistaken as a greater degree of desire than was there).

We need to invest in sound effects. I really need to play a laugh track here.

Why?

No one “pushing for sex” is misinterpreting “desire levels”. If you have to push…you’re doing it wrong. That is the entire definition of “pushing”. If what you want… is not happening, and you have to push to get it…you are instigating sexual cohercion. That bullshit of “misinterpreting” is being passive aggressive in labeling abuse.

It’s not abuse to have someone “push a little” for sex.

Yes, it is. The paper you are citing is from 2008. We have come a long way in labeling rape and rapey actions. And coercion is included in the definition of rape today. You need to use current science papers Rachel.

But, if I did…I wouldn’t be able to steer this conversation towards the men and women out there right now convinced coercion is not a rapey action. The men and women who fuck a starfish. The men and women who fuck pillow princesses. If the thing your fucking is less interactive than your fleshlight, stop inserting your penis. The person you chose to engage in sexual activity with is not mature enough to consent, or you are going way to fast and skipped miles of precursor steps that would lead up to your current pornstar posing thrusts, or you’re a selfish asshole dominating with your personal needs over the blob of flesh your pounding. If your partner isn’t taking the lead sometimes, you’re doing it wrong. Sex should be equally participatory.

If you cannot describe the bliss of a mindmeld during sex where you feel like you are soaring into another dimension with your partner, than you are doing it wrong. You either skipped steps altogether, don’t care about your partner, don’t know your partner because you haven’t bothered getting to know them, OR are not mature enough to engage in sexual intercourse yourself because you are a selfish dick hole twat fucker and what you are doing is masterbating in someone’s flesh packaging which is akin to sexual cohercion. Because no body wants that!!! They will put up with it. They will pretend to agree to it while cringing inside waiting for you to finish. But no where in this kind of “sexual act” do you see them reaching out to you either, at that point.

You’re banging a bunch of squishy cellular connections with no personal interaction…much less mindmelding upward to the spiritual heights of bliss. Blowing your nut into hole is not sex. Sex is powerfully uplifting and spiritual, connecting two souls entwining into each other. You’re essentially writing code wrong, you’re skipping key components in reall coding, to make the function run but incorrectly, getting some stupid syntax as output. Your personal dopamine rush isn’t sex. It’s blowing a wad. It’s your physiology, adrenaline, glands, nutsack, all telling you the load exited correctly. That personal solo chemical release is Most Certainly Definitely and Assuredly…NOT a chemical reaction bonding with the second vessel’s chemicals. You basically poured your chemicals onto the floor and left the room.

Omg, you mean all this time, in all these episodes, you use articles that might be bad science on purpose to make a point?

It’s so much worse than that Kayla…I actually,… don’t believe there is “bad science”. Just our current ability or inability to interpret the data. I think we only get a small portion of that data correct since this universe has so many angles and points of view. Remember the hundreds of scientists that threw away mini brains because their experiment of growing flat neurons in a dish kept balling up into 3D brains?

Okay, humor me for a second, and argue in favor of sexual coercion.

I want to get pregnant.

There are sperm banks.

I’m poor.

There are 4 billion men on the planet all willing to have a one night stand with you right this second.

I’m picky about genetics, I’m ovulating right now, I’m turning 50 next month.

But how often is this level of excuse used to back someone’s coercion? Very rarely. Let’s face facts. The leading cause of coercion is a boner.

“My dick is hard, I NEED to stick it in something warm”.

The description of  “being horny” is describing a forceful urge. It is understandable humans and animals get aggressive when seeking to release this. It is also understandable you need to be locked up if you can’t navigate your way to a willing partner.

So what blocks this ability to find a willing partner?

Time: A Selfish egotistical person with entitled feelings won’t take the time necessary to find or create a willing partner.

Well, I think Long term relationship boundaries blocks my ability!

I am pretty sure “Selfish egotistical entitled feelings” falls inside “long term relationship boundaries” as well…

…I don’t agree. I was the one always pushing for sex when I was married. My drive was much higher than theirs. And the worst part was our drives matched, up till the wedding. Then, bam. Loss of interest on their part. And I was expected to stay monogamous, faithful, silently frustrated, drowning in my needs, no guilt tripping, no coercion.

Wow, you really didn’t have a single good role model growing up, did you? I am so sorry for that. And you struggled with that in four marriages? Didn’t you read therapy books or go to counseling?

Yeah, lots.

Did anyone suggest ways to make your partner feel loved, feel closer to you, or how to elicit romantic feelings?

Yeah, lots.

And, did you do those things?

I tried. Nothing worked.

When they didn’t work right away how did you respond?

Explosive anger, manipulation, blame, and honestly it was easier to cheat on them then cowtow to all their needs “night and day” making them feel “special”.

MmHmm, mmmhhhmm, yeah, I see your problem.

Right! They were assholes! 😇

Oh, good god lady. 😳

Okay, so there are no police here, and in your description trying to get your husbands to have sex with you..you describe your reasoning behind your tactics.

But if you were sitting in a police station after your husbands turned you in for your Explosive anger, manipulation, and blame …would your reasoning change in any way? Would you use different terminology or describe your actions differently?

Yeah, of course. If they had called the cops at any point or when we were in counseling with someone listening to what I was going through…yeah, I used different descriptions. Usually painting myself the victim…because I was.

So you wouldn’t bring up your explosive anger, manipulation, or blame?

No. I would try to get the therapist to coerce my husband into having sex with me. Uh, duh.

And if it was the cops?…

When interrogated, men will explain how they confused a woman’s platonic interest as sexual interest,

Which then launched “his sexual bargaining tactics” that lead to the sexual coercion. On our podcast website, we site several papers, which provide extensive exploration into sexual misperception, these go into gender differences, and situational factors that increase the risk that sexual misperception will occur. Mind you, these are just a few of the papers that have been published over the years. You can google and read many more.

Do men consistently think women are hot for them and interested in sex? Are they wired in a way to view the world from the head of their penis? Is the urge and drive to pie a warm wet hole so strong all else fades away?

We all know the difference between consent and coercion. Children can see it. Teenagers recognize it. Adults are very familiar with it. When… we are the target, we get confused especially when “we are kind of interested”.

But are we really confused or, are we disoriented by the intensity of the pursuit when “we were just kind of interested”?

Women feel guilt while being coerced if they are attracted to the man, despite the sexual moment not being about them pursuing, landing, and enjoying a sexual encounter right then and there.

When a man is pursuing a sexual encounter before a woman is ready, then the pursuit is just that…a preditor going after a scared, confused, angry, and hesitant woman feeling violated. That is a pretty big difference from consensually activating sex.

This goes both ways. When women do this to men, it is equally predatory. Sexual Cohersion is ABSOLUTELY not limited to one sex, or even from a member of the same sex.

If humans stop having sex… the human race will die out. Horniness is a real drive. A handful of men and women on this planet are genuinely and equally attracted to each other and consetually engage in sexual intercourse. Millions of couples get married and have children. Some of those do so willingly. Unfortunately, coercion is embedded in our society on both sides. Men perceive sexual intent in all women’s behavior. If there is alcohol use, provocative clothing, she initiated the date, and is making eye contact, he can know she is willing to have sexual intercourse. But is she? Men also know fully well, these tactics are used to get him to marry her first. She wants commitment, a nice home, stability, and a safe place to raise her kids.

Rachel, don’t launch into sexist stereotypes.

Are you married?

Yes.

Do you have kids?

Yes.

I am launching into your and my wants. Probably not all 7 billion people on this planet. But I am comfortable with my Ted Talk.

Children are raised on the internet which is a sexually charged entity in favor of easy sexual gratification for men. And we fall for it. We think “if I am sexy enough he will want to marry me”. And he is thinking “if she is easy, then she is not good wife material”. But the internet is not filled with women role modeling” wife material”. And those that do successfully land a husband, he is out cheating on her because her body and mind are being morphed by a parasite changing her chemistry. A parasite he gave her, one he was probably coerced into conceiving with her.

And now I am depressed. I need to take a break and pop some of my anti-depressants.

– Fine, I’ll ask our listeners. What is coercion? When is it okay? Who does it? When is the most recent time you coerced someone? Today? About what? When was the last time you witnessed a male coercing a woman? Do you have a friend or family member coercing a man into getting married or having kids? How can we stop coercion? Is coercion a healthy aspect of the human race so we can continue existing? What would the world look like if we were incapable of manipulating, coercing, pushing, or nudging someone to our desires? Write to us on facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

– Let’s take a quick Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

Add “Two Beats”

**Resume Conversation sex-role stereotypes

I spent nine weeks this summer in “muslim oriented countries”. Pakistan, Egypt, Morocco, Turkey, and North Macedonia. The women covered “head to toe” including myself. Because I was not in touristy areas it was very uncomfortable for me to be in shorts or a t-shirt. I just covered myself to avoid a stressful environment. I lived in a dorm with ten muslim students for six weeks. I don’t understand the culture but six weeks of close encounters did give me a glimpse. 

There are prostitutes in every country. There is sex trafficking in every country. There is porn in every country. There are under aged girls getting married to older men in every country. Here in America we have tried to solve the problem of sexual coercion using women’s sexual empowerment. We use condoms and birth control “so we can have sex anytime we want”.

I use them to avoid std’s and pregnancy. I think condoms and birth control are more for men being able to have sex anytime they want since “half the time women have sex, they were coerced into it” and men don’t have 12 kids to take care of when they use condoms or birth control.

Ahem 🙄, women’s empowerment 😀…We have sex shops and Hell I have even hosted sex toy parties that are meant to be flirty and fun even “educational” where we can purchase thousands of sex toys for our “vaginal canals” and anus.

So we can “get comfortable with our orgasms” so he doesn’t have to put in any effort or get to know us Or, connect with us on a deeper and meaningful level. “She knows how to get herself off…so I can lube her up, plug, and chug”. Choo choo. And those sex shops are creepy and gross.

I feel sexually empowered damn it.

I know but you’re in a healthy relationship.

And that is the goal. For you, for your friends in Turkey, for people in Europe, India, Australia, Africa, and South America. The culture doesn’t matter. Sexual empowerment with condoms and a 12 inch anal dildo doesn’t matter. Domestic partnerships instead of marriage doesn’t matter. LGBTQ doesn’t matter.

What matters is a healthy relationship. If the entire world agreed the only thing that mattered was “a healthy relationship without manipulation, coercion, explosive anger, blame, shame”, then the world would be filled with happier people.

We want to feel safe. We want to feel loved. A gay man in Turkey wants to have a safe loving relationship with his domestic partner and they might want kids. I wanted to get married to my husband and feel safe in a monogamous straight marriage, we wanted to have children. Many people want to explore multiple sex partners before settling down with one person. Many people want open poly relationships without harsh restrictions on who they are allowed to love or how many people they are allowed to love. And all men get boners. Every day. Raging, tight, urgent boners.

This may result in their “general, sexually charged view” and why men perceive the world with a “sexualized intent”. If I always had a boner, I am going to view the world from a “boner point of view”.

One researcher Abby, gathered data for years focused on men’s perceptions of sexual interest. Volunteers rated the sexual interest of men and women in photographs, written vignettes, and live interactions. Across the scale, men continually saw all the interactions from both males and females as as being “sexually charged”. This systematic “perception of sexuality” of sexual interest of all genders in all interactions should be acknowledged.

A man’s ability to decipher a women’s sexual interest vs friendly behavior is distinctly different than a woman’s ability to decipher a women’s sexual interest vs friendly behavior. Abby repeated her research. Abbey and her colleagues consistently found that men, when compared with women, rated female targets as conveying more sexual intent than was there.

How often do men think about sex? Some will say every seven seconds. Others, say the average man in their study had 19 thoughts per day, about sex. Women had about ten. The men had more indulgent impulses in general, like wanting to eat or sleep.

When a man counts his sexual thoughts does it include each time a woman passes and he side glances her tits or ass? Do men count any vague feeling as a thought? I am not a man. When a woman bends over to fill the printer with paper I do not think anything other than “great, the printer has a full drawer of paper”. What exactly goes through a man’s mind? I’ve asked friends and family and the general consensus is they are rating her assets on a scale of one through “nice”. Or they think, “damn, I’d bone that”. Rarely are they thinking about “approaches they can make to get her number”. They are thinking about doing her but not actively trying to get to her so they can do it.

Another way to see the phenomenon of men having a geralized sexual view of the world is the experiments in the 70’s and 80’s where attractive volunteers asked strangers to have sex with them. How did men respond vs women, to a strange random attractive person asking them on a date, or to go to their apartment, or straight to the point asking them for sex? Over half (56%) of men agreed to the date, 69% agreed to go back to the woman’s apartment, and 75% agreed to her request for sex, right then and there!!! And how did the women respond? 50% agreed to the date, 

Which means both men and women want to date and are open to either gender asking.

6% agreed to go back to the man’s apartment, 

Because, maybe it is easier to get to know a man when you hang out and it’s kind of like a lame shitty date?

and not a single one agreed to the request for sex.

There is a video on youtube of a young man repeating this social experiment. Not one woman says yes, and one responder throws a drink in his face. It is clear in the video women find it strange or dangerous for a man to ask for sex. What else is behind the gut reaction of women saying “no”?

He’s bad at sex, has an STD, has poor social skills at the very least.

Women are not into casual sex with creepy strangers who proposition them on the street. But 75% of men are.

 I think women prefer time and attention if they are going to have sex with someone they are attracted to. Even in the world of FWB, men get frustrated by how much time or attention the woman needs before she will spread her legs.

This is where a lot of coercion comes into play. Some men believe paying for one dinner or drinks warrants sex from her. I had a friend in Virginia who was married with six kids. I was a friend of the family and he was a genuinely great guy. Except when he thought about sex. We were at a party and a drunk girl was asking people for a ride home. He jumped at the opportunity. The way he did it seemed very upstanding. But as he was leaving he winked at me excitedly saying “I love free blowjobs” as he left to take her to the car. 100% he “coerced” her into giving him a blowjob once that car was in motion. Another one of my friends motos is “A woman in need is a friend indeed”.

You hang out with gross people.

Yeah. When I think about our overall society and that girl…not one person at that party was willing to give her a ride home. She asked ten people. She was clearly drunk. My friend was gross. But she made it home. What would her fate have been if she stayed? She would have passed out somewhere and gotten vaginally raped. Me, personally? I would rather be raped in my mouth or in my hand. Not one person was willing to take her to a safe place. Predators are always on the hunt. But we as a society do not act like a protective herd. I complained about this on a thread in Reddit and got multiple male points of view, mostly angry at me for voicing my opinion “when they have their hands full protecting their immediate family”. Reiterating that we as a society do not act like a protective herd.

This is undeniably true, I had friends in high-school, girls who wanted to fit in, so at parties they would let guys do what they wanted because they didn’t want to be the prude, even when they were obviously scared, or uncomfortable, no one stopped it. Not the guy’s friends, not the girl’s friends, not bystanders. They just let it happen because, “it’s none of my business” or “She obviously wants it if she isn’t stopping him”.

Objectification Theory is twenty years of data gathering on the negative consequences of sexually objectifying women. Women’s physical and emotional health deteriorate, It’s internalized until we self-objectify causing eating disorders, depression, sexual dissatisfaction, and relationship dissatisfaction.

Where is the research data on the affects men go through when they sexually objectify women? Oh, wait, we’re living it. I imagine it is a lot easier to coerce women into having unwanted sexual relations when society is sexually objectifying her already. It’s like priming her for it.

– How empowered do you feel? Do you love vibrators, condoms, and casual sex? Does controlling your own sex life and “knowing your orgasms” make sex with random dudes better? Are we empowered or sexualized? Are music videos of scantily clad women grinding things empowering or making us feel like we have to be sexy all the time? Have you dressed down only to be told “you look like shit”, then dressed up only to be told “you look hot”?

There is an old saying around where I grew up, if a girl dressed slutty or like what some would consider a prostitute they would tell her, “You look like a Whore on Hennepin!”

Do you think most grown women are addicted to sexual attention similar to child abuse survivors? If so, would that make all women “survivors of childhood sexual abuse” due to growing up in societal objectification? Tell us your opinion and stories. We have Tic Tok and Youtube.

– We are going to take a Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

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***Close the conversation How do we stop it?

Global data gathering efforts found sexual abuse during a person’s childhood makes them an easy target for adult victimization and this is across-gender, across-cultural phenomenon. Simply put, if you were sexually abused as a child you are primed for more abuse and you are an easy target for preditors.

If my theory is correct about all females being survivors of a mainstream toxic sexually charged environment, then we are all primed to being taken advantage of. From sexual objectification in our relationships, to taking on all chores in our homes (while working full time job and caring for the kids) (when all the husband has to do is work full time then come home and play video games?), to less pay in equal positions we share with our male coworkers, and finally to still not ever having had a female president in the USA.

Sexual coercion…

Who does it

What is it

Where does it happen

How does it feel

When does it start

Why does it happen

Is the person mentally or emotionally capable of consent? For instance, having sex with someone who is developmentally delayed, or doesn’t have the full understanding of the possible consequences of sex. As an example, My biological father convinced my biological mother (who is very developmentally delayed) that she would not get pregnant because,” he didn’t say ‘The Word’!” Over 30 years later and we still don’t know what that word is exactly. Also that little fucker gave her an STD. 

Is there a threat of harm or violence? If you’re willing to say you might hurt the person or someone or thing they love, like their child, their pet, or anything else that is deeply important to them, that sex is anything but consensual, and if you think otherwise, I’d love to serve you some scalding hot tea…

If you are having consensual sex and what is happening is unwelcome and a surprise to you, it is no longer consent.

If someone sees a change in mood, a change in the emotional connection, or a sudden surprise or lack of enthusiasm …and continues thrusting to get a nut …that is not consent. Thrusting needs to stop as soon as the emotional connection is severed. As soon as there is confusion or hesitancy.

If someone continues to thrust, that is sexual coercion, rape, abuse, and assult.

Straight up. I lost my consensual virginity when I was 18. I engaged in a single intercourse with someone. A year later, I had sex for the second time as an adult with a handsome musician. I was smitten. We went to his place and got our jiggy on and he flipped me over onto my stomach, something I had never done before.

Pretty innocent though, Right? I knew there were other positions besides missionary. Despite only having engaged in missionary before. I did not know how to have sex on my belly and I felt a little trapped but he was so enthusiastic about it… I wanted to make him happy and please him… plus, I wanted more experience.

I wanted to try other positions despite not having ever done them or even knowing how to do them. The one thing that tipped me off that he knew how innocent I was… to what was about to happen is him saying “It’s okay, just relax”, while he pinned my hands down on the bed. Which means he knew. He knew. This man put his penis in my butt hole. No lube. No foreplay. No warning. He didn’t ask. I was obviously inexperienced. And he warned me to relax.

If you have years of experience, maybe you have had more partners than you can count, tried every position you have seen on PornHub, and you are about to or are having sex with someone who has only had a few sexual encounters or only one partner and their sex has been vanilla, you not only need consent for sex, but also for your wild flips, turns and positions A-Z. Because when a young girl who has only ever had missionary sex gets twisted and turned and tied in a knot unexpectedly she may want to stop. These new positions may hurt, be uncomfortable or plain out scare her. This may start out a, “yes oh yes!” and turn into a, “No please stop.” The moment they say stop, that’s exactly what needs to happen, no matter what. 

This is a blurred line between the definition of coercion and straight up assault. There was no coersion, I was eager to have enthusiastic sex but then in the middle of it he starts raping my butthole. Sexual coercion is pressure to have sex. Pressure happens when you don’t really want to have sex.

If you both really really really want to have sex and are actively trying to have sex and slobbering on each other naked humping jumping kissing and going full speed to pound town… that’s consenual. 

Coercion often happens when lines appear blurred, when there is a “misconception” of consent, but regardless of the “Blurred Lines” it is Assault, no matter how much lighter the term seems than Assault or Rape, it is still that.

If you consent reluctantly, you will feel violated. It’s called sexual coercion, and it’s a form of abuse.

The more sly or “nice” someone is while coercing you…the more difficult it is to identify. So, what exactly does it look like, if it is difficult to identify?

• They ask for sex repeatedly after you made your point! Which means, you are not actively humping on them. You keep shrugging them off, they keep sniffing around your crotch, touching you, pawing at your boobs or ass.
• They say things like, “We can’t just stop now” or worse, they keep going…after you try to stop. Maybe they throw the word love at you making it sound like you don’t love them just because your legs aren’t spread wide all day and night.
• Telling you it’s your obligation as a spouse or partner (which is the toughest one for me to swallow because I strongly believe it is their obligation to service me if I married them. Like come on…I can’t loosey goose my way through town anymore? but you get to dry up the well at home? That screams abuse to me. I mean who is really being abused at this point?)
• If you wake up from a drunken night of partying and have a sick feeling in your mind or gut that you were violated. If you have vague memories but can’t really remember. If you remember someone pushing themselves on you but then you passed out.
• If someone gives you alcohol or drugs specifically knowing it’s easier to slip in, when you are sloppy drowsy, that is not consent.
• If they threaten to break up with you every time you say “no”…you should be rethinking the relationship. Who wants to live fifty years being threatened like that every week? It gets old. Like, just leave already.
• Refusing to use protection, telling you not to use birth control, or worse…pulling off a condom in the middle of sex when you are not looking “so they can feel that pulsating satin, direct on their dong” 
• Threatening to get sex from someone else. I mean they are basically threatening to give you an std
• Anytime finances are used against you when you’re not in the mood you gotta wonder if you are a prostitute or a sugar baby. Maybe that is the only form of relationship they are comfortable with? If they do that to you…just make it official. Draw up a contract and start getting some serious cash for that pussy.
• And if they keep pulling the tit-for-tat crap “I did this for you so you have to put out”, it goes from them being nice and turns into a score card, and you will quickly stop wanting nice things from them.
• And the most disgusting is when they buy you dinner, drinks, or something you mentioned you need or want and they get it for you with a Wink* “you can pay me back later… you know how”. Every time someone does that to me I want to vomit in their mouth and make sure it gets in their eyes and up their nose and maybe even a little in their ears. It makes me so angry when they do that. It’s like, if you want to buy me a present then just be a gentleman and buy me a present. Don’t make it all gross and shit.

So Kayla…which of these bullet points have happened to you?

Asks for sex repeatedly?

We can’t stop now?

Spousal obligation?

Party raped?

Break up threatening? No, but I tried to get a boy back after we broke up by offering sex. So you were a pussy trap?

Stealthing?

Threatening to get it somewhere else?

Withholding finances?

Tit-for-tat crap “I did this for you” I want sex now. (score card)?

When they buy dinner and want sex?

So Raychel, What about you? Which of these happened to you?

____________________________________________________________

Who is Emmeline May?

She has a video that went viral.

And what is the video about?

The video compares sex to a cup of tea.

Shall we mutilate it into our own perverted version?

Yeah, let’s do it.

What is Consent?

Hey, would you like a cup of tea? 

Oh my god, I would love a cup of tea!

That is consent! You may now have tea together!

Hey, would you like a cup of tea?

Eh, you know I’m not really sure, I mean I like tea, but not all tea, and I don’t know what kind of tea you’re offering, or how you make your tea, or if you washed your balls today, or who was the last person you drank tea with.

That is not consent.

At that point you can start heating the water for tea while you converse with them more, telling them about your shower that morning, what kind of soap you used on your balls, and how you would love to shower with them right now, and about the class you took once on oral, and how many videos you watched or books you have read on the female orgasm, and a bit about the history of your condom use. Once the tea is done…you must not make them drink it. You can ask if they want the tea now…but never…just throw the tea at them or put the cup to their lips. The tea is on the table at this point. They will let you know if they wish to partake or not. Maybe they need to converse with you some more, maybe like, for another month? It is up to them.

Hey, would you like a cup of tea?

No thanks.

That is not consent

In this scenario, Don’t boil the water. At all. Just don’t make them tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, ok? They said “no”.

Hey, would you like a cup of tea?

Yes!

That is consent

You’re both naked, hickies are flying around the room like circling monkeys, boners are oozing pre-ejaculate, she is wetter than the sponge you forgot to squeeze out in the kitchen sink.

Actually, I don’t want tea right now

This is no longer consent

I know it is confusing. They said “yes”, now they’re saying “no”…your boner is turning blue. But let’s face facts…they just don’t want your tea right now. Sure, it’s annoying as you’ve gone blind from hormonal chemicals flooding your adrenaline system, but they are under no obligation to drink the tea.

I was in the middle of having sex with a hottie in California and he says mid thrust “you like to be choked”? My libido skiddaddled out of the room. I went silent and froze. He knew I was completely turned off by his comment. But his boner was raging. So, he tried to keep thrusting. I was like, nope. Outta here, I didn’t say “no”. I made some lame excuse and got up, got dressed, and left. Blocked him on everything. Kids today are all into the choking thing, I am not interested in having sex with someone that wants to slap me, choke me, punch me, or kill me. If you are into abuse, I am not into you.

It is okay to change your mind mid thrust. You do not have to wait it out. He doesn’t have to finish. If you need to leave, then leave. YOU NEVER OWE ANYONE ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR BODY AND SAFETY!

If they are unconscious, for the love of god, don’t give them tea. Unconscious people don’t drink tea.

Ok, maybe they were conscious when they gave consent, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they became unconscious.

That is no longer consent

Put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe.

If someone said “yes” to tea, started drinking it, and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat.

If someone said “yes” to tea at your house last Saturday, and all you can think about is their sweet sweet sugar, milk, and honey

That was consent on Saturday

That is not consent to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you coming to their house unexpectedly to make them tea. Don’t force them to drink it while saying “but you wanted tea last week”. No one wants to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat saying “but you wanted tea last night.”

Do you understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea? Are you are able to understand when people don’t want tea? Then you know damn well when they don’t want your sex.

Whether it’s tea or sex, Consent is Everything.

Thank you Emmeline May!!!

If you are still confused…I can tell you, in order for it to be consensual, the person must have access to every possible way to get home safe. If they are at your house for sex and they want to go home mid thrust, make sure they have a safe way home mid thrust. If you coerce them to finish, because that is the only way you will give them a ride home, then you are a rapist. If they are in your car for some reason, and you are the only ride possible, telling them to suck your dick in a moving car is not consent. If you take them to your home when they didn’t ask to go there and it’s in the middle of the night and they don’t have any other way home, and you ask them to lick your anus, that is not consent. They are terrified. And you are a rapist.

If you don’t get tested, If you don’t know if you have an std because the last time you got tested for std’s was when your mom gave birth to you in the hospital, then the sexual partner you have chosen to engage with does not have enough knowledge to make a decision.

Get tested. Don’t lie about getting tested. Don’t have sex with multiple partners passing around your ooky junk, unless you’re getting tested, and they are aware you are sleeping with multiple people.

I was in a sexual relationship with someone who still lived with his ex. They were waiting for the lease to be up before moving out. He said they argued all the time and slept in different rooms. We met for sex every week. We met for sex the morning after Valentine’s Day. I get down on my knees for him and start using my mouth to make him happy and I stop with this gag and WTF? He tasted like used pussy. Stale day old pussy. His skin was still tacky from it. Musty. And I didn’t know what to do. We were celebrating our Valentine’s Day a day late, and he had stale pussy on his dick and was wagging it in my face as if I lacked a multitude of sensory neurons.

There was zero way for me to prove his dick tasted like pussy. There was zero way for me to prove he lived with his girlfriend and was cheating on her with me. But I knew they celebrated Valentine’s Day the night before and potentially that morning an hour before he showed up. I just knew it. That asshole had been gaslighting me for months at that point. I didn’t want to get into an argument. I didn’t want to make a scene while we were trying to be romantic. But how the fuck is slipping your pussily used stale dick in my mouth romantic? Like, I could see their morning. All lovey dovey to the point he realizes he doesn’t have time to dip his dick in the bathroom sink for 30 seconds before running to the car and driving over?

If you are wondering if that was consensual…you should not be having sex with anyone on this planet. And you are an asshole. There should be no hint of “force or fraud” when it comes to your penis. And what about that poor girl back at his apartment who thought she was his girlfriend? She had no idea he was fucking me every week for months on end. Every night when she lay in his arms…was that consensual? How could it be when she lacked the basic information to make an informed decision? He tricked two women for months on end guilt free (plus the other girls he was sneaking in here and there). Anyone who thinks that is okay, is demented. Anyone who thinks that is consent, is delusional.

Of all the men, that one was exceptionally gross. And to this day he has no idea that  “that morning” was non consensual because I never brought it up. But if you be doing that shit to your girl…you are sick in the head. And she knows. She’s just too embarrassed to bring it up. Or, when she does …you gaslight her so she doubts herself. Again, making you a truly sick individual.

And we’re stopping here…I would like to introduce next week’s episode! 😃Episode 20: Condition your partner 🧐Pavlov style. (tone of voice gets confused) Our guide to manipulating your partner based on scientific research and personal experience 😖???

Whoa, wait, 🫣what? We are not…

Yes we are! We want you guys to submit your ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you. And if you got anything out of today’s episode give us some love, subscribe, and rate us.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

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