Ep 14: Media: Be Tampon Happy

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Rachel: “Over there you have the Kardasians, over here we have the WhiteTrashians!!!”

Kayla: “Are you talking about the research done by Chris Reiber? Sexual Hookup Culture: A Review. 

Yes, I am, that’s the one!

Music Intro

Hey everyone, my name is Kayla

And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

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*Begin conversation: Where are we supposed to get healthy role models for long term relationships?

I would say “Real life” not media. In the olden days. Newspapers? Books? Gossip? Old couples married for 58 years. Were they happy the entire 58 years? Huge families with 13 kids.

When I think real life role modeling for relationships I think of Farmers. They understand what a year means. You get the land ready. You plant crops. It takes a year for land to yield a crop.

Anyone listening…my advice is to view your marriage like this…long term! Understand that building something now will sustain your future. Kayla, is your relationship about how you feel today? (or, do you have a long-term mentality?)

Kayla

Where did you get the best, real-life advice from?

Kayla…

Where did you get the best, real-life advice from?

My ex boss when I nannied. “What result are you seeking?”

Media is a huge factor in our everyday lives. Media is comfortable dictating how we love, marry, divorce, and treat our partners.

Where did you get the best media advice from?

Books.

The Triangular Theory of Love, was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Robert Sternberg. He says we need Intimacy, Passion, and The Decision to Commit.

Which is true!!! That is what romantic relationships are. Do Relationship books help human beings have successful relationships? Are books a good role model? Do they work? Kayla, have you ever read a marriage or relationship book? Did it work?

I saw all your relationship books on your shelf. Have you read them? Which are your favorites? Have you gone to couples therapy?

Read 22 in total. I keep 5. Resonates with me. The Brain in Love, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 10 Stupid things Couples do to mess up Their Relationships, and Keeping the Love you Find.

Worked better than marriage counseling. We didn’t feel the pressure of an hour’s time ticking by. We could take our time, read separately, have discussions tailored to what was happening between us without trying to convince some stranger of this-or-that. 

Marriage counseling will tell you “love takes work”. If you want to be a good partner and be in a healthy relationship you need to have common goals and you both need to work towards them in a forgiving, committed manner, watching out for each other’s daily needs. But nothing is being Modeled. You are just getting these messages without any role modeling.

Gone to couples therapy?

Kayla: answers therapy and asks me the same  

I did with two of my marriages. It didn’t work. I am not an advocate of couples therapy.

Most relationship interactions should be neutral. Day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month. As life happens you will get your ups…promotions and happy events. And you will get downs…death in the family, illness, and such. But you should be able to coast along at neutral 

if you are on the same path as your partner.

When I was getting close to one of my exes he informed me: “everytime he got in an argument with a partner he would immediately text other girls. He thinks all people in relationships do. He thinks it is how people ease their own anxiety when things are unstable.”

In my opinion, if a relationship feels strained it is a good time to focus on it. It helps your partner feel seen, heard, and loved. That is impossible to do when you are texting other girls to get what you need. To me that says, “my way or the highway”.

Which I would argue isn’t a relationship at all. But an abusive trickery you want your partner to think they are in a relationship when they really are a slave to your needs.

What is a bad habit you do that is unhealthy in your relationships?

Kayla: answers and asks me “What is a bad habit you do that is unhealthy in your relationships?“

Oh, so many! Too many to count!

Omg i have seen you destroy men! Rachel, you are brutal in a relationship.

If our listeners want any good advice: I recommend not dating a sociopath if you are not willing to be the most committed, devoted, love machine. Cause this bitch will come after your ass the second she sees a pattern of you being a fuck up.

I guess my unhealthy habits are: impatience, being too controlling, pretending I don’t know you’re cheating while I save screenshots so I can send them to your future girlfriends, relatives, and ex’s to warn them what a man whore you are.

My worst quality in a relationship is I am relentless.

Being relentless is a good work and school quality to have! But it is not good to relentlessly hunt down your partner’s negative qualities.

I have an ex who had zero ability to think long term in a relationship. All he could focus on was today. I asked him what he was going to be doing in 5 years and 10 years with his life and he looked like a deer in the headlights, completely blank look. He genuinely did not know. No clue. He had no idea that he would still be raising his kids, still have the same job, still be renting an apartment, still be bouncing relationship to relationship until his kids were eighteen.

If you want my opinion…I think, he thinks, in 5 years he will be a famous tennis player drowning in hot chicks and wealth.

Dude has zero motivation for long term planning. It’s all about what chick he could get to blow him that night and who he could get to pay for this or that so he had extra cash for tennis lessons and alcohol. To him, Women are a source of free babysitting, cash, and sex.

Sounds like you two were not on the same path.

We were not. If it feels like you are in a relationship with someone and you are not on the same path you may want to find someone with the same long-term goals. Someone willing to build a future with you. Someone you trust. All the crap I’ve read in magazines I don’t recall ever reading this.

Did you read magazines as a teen? Did it teach you this? How did it mold your understanding of romantic long-term relationships?

Kayla…Magazines. I like/dislike them because…sex advice, positions, it takes time to get to know your body and your partners body.

Comfort comes with time, not the newest position. Positions makes sex a show. Is my back arched enough? instead of a loving nurturing connection. 

Is it even possible to model this to kids? I am trying to remember if I heard adults talking about this when I was a child? Aunts shaving their legs. I can have a boyfriend and go years without him touching my legs. Why shave? But commercials will convince you it is death to not be smooth at all hours.

– Let’s put these questions to the listeners. Write in and let us know how to fix the  media’s influence on our relationships. How do you keep it from impacting you negatively? Do you know anyone off the grid? I would LOVE to hear stories about amish or menanite families, couples, and how they navigate without the effects of media. Write to us on facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

– Let’s take a quick Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK (22:55)

**Resume Conversation: 

Children are sponges. Blank slates. Media starts influencing their thoughts as soon as you put them in front of a screen. What is louder? Media or you as a parent? 

What did media teach you about relationships?

Boys who write poems and sing me songs after my friends give me a makeover.

tight knit friend groups that hang out all the time

families that interact with lengthy conversations

How often do characters switch partners?

Your kids? How will you counter media effects on romantic relationships? 

Kayla, kids, romance

Cartoons? Tom and Jerry kissing up the arm and the skunk pepe la pue kissing and squeezing.

Kayla on cartoons.

I grew up without TV. My son I paused the show or movie to have discussions. Use media to your advantage. It takes patience, resilience, and a willing partner. Pause the television whenever you agree or disagree with what you see. Instead of using television to turn off your mind, use it to turn on your mind. I would pause during commercials and explain what I saw. Super sugary cereals sold as “breakfast”?

So what you are saying is “media does not have to control you. You can control media”. I don’t think our listeners are going to start pausing their shows to engage in intellectual conversations with their mates.

There was only one boyfriend that would indulge this quirk of mine. It enhanced our relationship. We talked for hours. It spurred interesting conversations on topics we would not have come up with on our own.

To me, a tv show is no different than a book. You can set it down for half an hour and engage in a great conversation with your spouse that the book sparked in your thoughts. The problem with most humans and the addictive effects of the screen is humans get awful cranky and mean when you “interrupt” their viewing. When in reality the screen is interrupting your relationship.

Kayla’s view on how much tv she watches. If it affects her marriage. What she feels she is absorbing from Netflix.

We are told life should be convenient. We should be happy. And if we are not…we should buy new cars, go on expensive vacations, and drink lots of soda. As a result we end up in debt and divorce. Half first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, two-thirds of second marriages and three-quarters of third marriages.

Kayla…tampon commercials

Rachel…pharmaceutical commercials.

And that is how mainstream media focuses on long-term relationships.

It is all about convenience and how I feel today. If you are not making me happy today I have a right to be angry, upset, and if need be…I will take drugs instead of nagging you.

Pop songs will convince you love should be over the top, and break ups should be death sentences. This continual roller coaster is unhealthy.

Beiber: Lonely song

Social media.

Instagram

I am persuaded to leave a relationship the moment my romantic expectations are dashed.

When I read advice on Reddit the comments are full of “leave him now, run, dump his ass”. Sometime I want to post “I asked him to take out the trash and it has been three hours. What should I do?”

“leave him now, run, dump his ass!!!” Our own sense of entitlement is encouraged by the media screen.

When media acts like I deserve it, I act like I deserve it. We are taught that competition for our attention is normal. Everyone should compete for our attention. Click bait ads compete for our attention, Commercials, social media sends us alerts and notifications…so we expect our spouse to constantly seek out our attention and they don’t.

Today’s society and culture needs a heavy dose about what you want next year, in 5 years, in 10 years, and how to go about working for that together. Long term focus. We need to be teaching our children this ability and how to find a partner with the same ability.

And how will we do that in a hook-up culture? SnapChat,Tinder

Hook up culture. Endless stream of one night stands. No foundation, building, trust. No getting to know each other. No comfort. When I was married the easiest way to keep the marriage intact was to go weeks without voicing any concerns. Peace. Just letting things go.

Porn!!! Nothing about that is real life. Nothing! Certainly not the sex! Real life sex is awkward, sweaty, and full of weird noises!

Kayla…opinion on porn and what porn teaches teens, does to adult relationship

We are going to take a break soon but first I want to know what the media taught you about relationships. Tell us your stories. How do you counter what the media is teaching your children about love? Have you managed to cultivate a long term relationship from tinder or snapchat? Connect with us on Tic Tok or Youtube.

– We are going to take a Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: (41:46)

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***Close the conversation: 

When you read to your children, explain your thoughts about the book.

When a commercial strikes up unpleasant feelings in you, engage in a discussion with your children about why.

Use the pause button. Agree on a show or movie that you will watch for discussion purposes just to get to know each other. When a movie rubs you the wrong way, gets you excited about a concept, or if you are curious what your partner thinks, pause the movie and invite your date or partner to discuss it with you.

The end of a movie gives you the feeling things have already wrapped up. It doesn’t invite discussion other than “did you like it?”. 

For the last 12 years I’ve messaged myself on facebook all the interesting topics I wished someone would talk to me about. I ended up creating this podcast instead. You guys are the ones I ended up talking to about those topics. It was worth the wait.

I am glad you are here listening and engaging with us this way on social media. Using your screens in a positive manner to feel connected, it’s healthy. I encourage you to continue seeking ways to turn your screens into conversation starters, not stoppers.

On OCTOBER 19, 2020, Teen Vogue published an article written by BY JESSICA DEFINO. Her article is titled: How White Supremacy and Capitalism Influence Beauty Standards. This article is how we should use mainstream media. To battle the evils in society. I first applaud a teen magazine for allowing her to write this. I second applaud her for such a great in depth article that indoobidably has helped many teenagers come to grips with what they see versus what they feel inside when they are faced with today’s media. Jessica tackles sexism, racism, colorism, classism, ableism, ageism, and gender norms. She is against how these contribute to anxiety, depression, dysmorphia, eating disorders, self-harm, and low self-esteem. Thank you teen vogue and thank you Jessica.

Share Audience stories/ideas

I would like to introduce next week’s episode. Body modification. Why? It is attractive/unattractive? How it affects mating, relationships? Tribal modifications in Africa. Tongue piercing = lesbian…No. Yet, It identifies What? Foot binding. Corset training. Botox and Plastic surgery. Tattoos. Goth attire. Anime. Hollywoods unacceptance of aging. Untraditional ways to present yourself. Why are nose, boob, lip, and butt jobs considered traditional and acceptable encouraged ways to present yourself?

I would like to ask our listeners to submit their ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

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