Ep 11: My Lover is a Bagpipe

Open Episode Text PDF in a New Tab

Rachel: “Play me, baby, play me.”

Kayla: “Are you talking about the paper done by Gunther, Davenport, and O’Modhrain:  Cutaneous Grooves: Composing for the Sense of Touch

Yes I am, that’s the one!

Music Intro

Hey everyone, my name is Kayla

And this is Rachel with Dating Hypothesis, thank you so much for joining us today!

Add “Two Beats”

• Begin conversation: Are we musical instruments? 

We are fleshy blobs of chemicals emitting different frequencies, wavelengths, and energy levels depending on how you squeeze us.

I’m sorry, What gibberish are you talking now woman?

Chemicals emit different frequencies, wavelengths, and energy levels. Which is how, like in the last episode you said “We can tell what a star is made of just by looking at the colors emitted from those stars”. Using spectroscopy we can tell so much about a star. 

Like how fast it is moving, the temperature, elements it is made of, density, and magnetic field.

We as humans are squishy blobs of chemical compositions that change moment-to-moment emitting different vibrations. If a small child walks in on its parents having sex it has no idea what is happening. What does the situation look like? Pretty odd I can tell you. (It could look abusive. It could look violent. It does not look like they are sitting on the couch watching tv.)

“Don’t worry honey mommy and daddy were just wrestling…”

And yet, I personally secretly had sex on my boyfriends lap sitting at the table during dinner in a restaurant out back on the patio with a bunch of friends. So it “can” look like you are just sitting on the couch watching tv depending on how you do it. Some people “do sex” less passionately than I do the dishes. I give more attention and rub the plates in warm soapy water way more than most of my sexual partners have touched me “in total” the last 20 years. When I have sex. Most of the time I’m actively jealous of the dirty dishes in the sink downstairs who will get a million times more attention from me in the morning “than I am getting right then”.

Girl, you need to find better partners!

A sex scientist studying the human body “in action” looks for the changes that happen in the human body while we “build to” and “release orgasm”. What is happening internally? What needs to be happening externally? What thoughts need to be in our pretty little minds to even make “all that possible”? What is more important? The way he touches you or your own personal thoughts?

Right, but Raychel, in what way does all this make us musical instruments?

Musical instruments produce vibrations.

Yes, but the human body is one big antenna to detect  vibration.

Musical instruments absorb vibration before they give off their own vibration. Strumming, tapping, blowing on guitars, violins, reed instruments, metal horns, drums, pianos. We are squishy instruments absorbing vibrations and in turn, producing vibrations. Our hormones, vocal chords, and chemical reactions give off vibration.

I thought you were going to make this episode about how we play each other like sexual instruments.

Oh, I am. Don’t worry.

Music can be a form of communication. We use love songs to show we like someone. We sing to our children to convey happiness and love to them. Teenagers use “angry angst music” to convey to their parents that they are terrible and horrible and no good very bad people… oh my god. We use music to communicate in many ways, shapes, and forms. Many people like using ringtones on our cell phones to symbolize something that involves that person. My high school best friend has had like six different ones as we’ve aged. Everything from “Whoa girl shake that ass girl, let me see your hips swing” when we went through a phase of playing crazy rap music in her ford focus rolling out of the high school parking lot. That looked hilarious. All the way to the Friends Theme. My husband is McGiever on my phone.

Just as our voices can convey all of these emotions, all of this communication, so can our touch. Physical touch conveys equal variety as the tone of the human voice. We’ve got the gentle touch, add wetness to that and it’s a whole different level of playing with skin and sensation.

Adding water to touch can have so much meaning from baptizing, cleansing and soothing from warm water, to kids having a water fight. 

Pain is completely different and can be used in a variety of complicated ways to communicate; which can also feel good depending on the circumstances (sometimes when I am eating popcorn a kernel will lodge itself between my gums and tooth and I won’t notice till the next day that something is wrong and it is so irritable I find clamping down really hard on my teeth makes it hurt more but feel so much better. It hurts so bad it stops hurting. When I was a child my siblings and I would play a stupid punching game ultimately giving each other huge bruises on our arms with the goal being “who would give up first”. I could talk for an hour on what we were conveying through that pain.

Has anyone listening ever played punch bug or slug bug in the car? Some parents will pinch their child to make them shut up. And the timeless “he pushed you because he has a crush on you”. Don’t get me started on sports. The competitive arena for humans can involve so much brutality, from tackle football to us not only watching but PAYING to watch people beat the living shit out of each other on TV or in Person.

Warmth. Most humans love the feeling of warmth. Your kids come inside from the snow and you get them out of their snow clothes to rub their little bodies till they warm up or a husband letting his woman put her icy feet on his legs to warm up. Snuggling together under a blanket for warmth is the best.

Scratching an itch feels good. Getting someone else to scratch it for you can be frustrating or for some reason simultaneously feel so much better than doing it yourself, I Love a good scalp scratching!

I love having my back scratched!!! And scratching lightly during love making can feel so freaking good. By no means am I talking about crazy cat scratching. I mean light scritchy scratching. 

Cold used during sex can bring fun sensations.

At the right moment!

Yes, at the right moment, please don’t stick an ice cube in an unexpected place at the wrong time.

When you are both being fun and playful it can be really fun but if you’re just being a jackass, it’s a dick move.

Which brings us to Intention. Your actions and your intention put out vibrations others feel and hear. You are a musical instrument playing your song to those within reach. Communication. There is verbal, vocal, body language, written, so we did an entire episode on communication. Episode two. There is a vast amount of communication out there. And just like there is this vast array of communication between people this episode is only about the communication conveyed through touch. And how we as people behave like musical instruments. We come alive with touch. What can be conveyed by touch is so vast. Positive, negative, this is a dating podcast so we’re going to get very sexual today.

This episode is also about the intention behind your touch. I would like to remind people that your intention may be pure while being received negatively depending on the receiver’s past experiences with that touch, or the music on the radio, or the venue you are both in. You, as the person giving touch, need to keep in mind the individual experiences of the person receiving your touch. So don’t forget to use verbal communication to check in with a partner if things “feel off”. Maybe not always “in the moment”. You can choose to talk later when the mood and setting, is less sexual.

You are…we are musical instruments. You are playing your song to those within reach. Your actions, your intentions…put out vibrations. A person can “know” you have the sweetest intentions because they can see, feel, and hear you; yet that won’t erase their childhood molestation, or a rape that happened. Maybe the song in the background was the song played at their wedding, to their ex and they don’t want anyone touching them when they hear it. 

Our brains “map vibrations” coming in along every avenue. These vibrations get mapped in every corner of our brains and as touch is mingled with sound, sight, and taste our memories strengthen. We play each other like musical instruments. Some are more skilled. And this all starts before birth. “The sounds a child hears in the womb” are accompanied by the mothers body posture, tenseness, chemical release, and the sounds she makes in response. Once a child is born touch is important for pair bonding. Infants deprived of touch display developmental and cognitive deficits. So many adults in the world today are touch starved because we all live isolated in our separate apartments away from family. Generations of families used to cram into one home. Now we live alone. 

Privacy can come at a great cost

Rachel, are you an angry song?

You know, it would seem like I am, wouldn’t it? To answer that, I would say “yes”, but “no”. If anybody out there knows the musician “Tom McDonlads” he has a very specific song that would be me. If he knew me, then he wrote this song for me. The song is named “Buttholes”. So, I prefer to be compared to Tom McDonald’s Buttholes. I would agree that my core being is an angry song. I make a point of muffling that song with intentions of peace, respect, empathy, and goodness. It is a daily process. I continually struggle to put myself in other people’s shoes. Which requires me to muzzle myself, my mind, my feelings. When my efforts in a relationship are not reciprocated…that leash on my anger tends to break. Okay, but Kayla, what song are you?

That’s a good question. Obviously it changes over the course of a year. Some days I’m all sweet and loving. And other days I embody that song by Atlanis Morissette. Im a bitch, Im a lover, Im a child, Im a mother. Depending on the day and the way you piss me off.

So if you’re in the Kayla world…squeeze out those happy chemicals as often as you can.

I can be quite pleasant as long as you don’t piss me off.

Keep her flooded with the “Ahhhh” chemicals.

Don’t fuck with my kids because I will murder you, hide you, and help them look for the body. Just sayin’.

Mamma Bear, definitely.

There was an experiment involving pairs of subjects. One was given a list of emotions to convey in one-second touch to the stranger’s forearm. The other had to guess the emotion. Gender combinations revealed “When women conveyed anger to a man, he got 0% correct. When men conveyed compassion to a woman, she got 0% correct. The odds of guessing correctly were 8%. The final research reports for all gender combinations resulted in Compassion correctly identified 60% of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, and fear 50%.

If you looked at the gender combinations that got those correct, hum, I wonder what those would be, hum.

How often do you notice your partner is upset? Can you read his moods? Kayla, how about your husband?

Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can’t. My husband is definitely the silent type. We’ve been together over a decade. I’ve gotten to know him pretty well but there are still times I ask him if he is mad at me because I can not tell. And he looks at me like i’ve got a dick growing out of my forehead. “Why would I be mad at you?” I’d like to think I am better than 60% of the time. I don’t think he can read me very well. I am the queen of RBF. 

Ah, yes. The Resting Bitch Face

What about you Rachel? You’ve had a collection of husbands. Were you any good at reading them?

About 50%! Two of them I could read! To the point they were afraid of me. One of them, at one point in our marriage looked me dead in the eyes and asked me if “I was some kind of witch, how is it you can know every freaking thought I have, when half the time I don’t even know what I’m thinking”. The other two? No. Absolutely not. I don’t know if it was their internal behavior or internal thoughts that were so messed up. If they were so whacked out “there was no reading them”. I was continuously reading them wrong. Maybe their inner selves were just complete pure chaos, I don’t know. Or if they were keeping so many secrets it was just impossible to read them. That’s one of the things I hate most about liars, they are impossible to read. Sure that makes that better for you! But it makes for a shitty relationship when a partner can’t connect with you on any level or trust what they think or feel at any given moment because you’re always telling them they are wrong or crazy. And then medication of course was a factor with those two. Which made things even more difficult to take a pulse. There were all these weird vibes as meds kicked in and would wear off.

How did touch factor into your ability to read them? Were the two that you could read more affectionate physically, more likely to hug or cuddle?

I don’t find myself in relationship with cuddlers. The guys I am drawn to are more standoffish. On the one hand it sucks because I love to cuddle. On the other hand it works out because the kind of cuddling I need is painfully specific. I can’t have anyone breathing on me when they are holding me. Some of the abuse tactics my mother used involved breathing in our faces when we were infants to make us stop crying and to this day me and my sibling cannot function properly if someone breathes on us.

I can relate to that. My kid is specific about being held, his autism makes sensory overload a very quick to occur situation, and he doesn’t always seem to “get” other people’s vibrations very well

There are kids across the planet that are not getting the touch they need. Orphaned children tend to be touch starved and fail to grow to expected height, weight, and show behavior problems. Hmm, imagine that. 

There is something about touch. Touch turns off the threat switch in our minds, eases pain and anxiety. Touch helps govern our wellbeing and perception of self.

Oh, like how I am an oobleck! My perception of self is dictated by touch, interaction, and communication. Like this conversation we are having right now is comforting to me and I feel held. It holds my oobleck together. You keep me solid. And touch is important for me. And apparently for all humans if we read these scientific studies correctly. It’s interesting that we need it. That there are parts of our brain designated towards “needing touch” for us to feel like we are real. Our perception of self includes physical touch. 

Studies demonstrate benefits are influenced by the giver’s attention levels.

Right now in my life my son is going through a phase of hitting. The other day he got in trouble for hitting a teacher. Immediately after getting scolded he resorted to “no no mommy, hugs, mommy hugs” He needed positive attention from me. He couldn’t handle that I was displeased with something he did. He wanted positive emotion from me. “Mom snuggles, mom hugs”. “We don’t want mommy mad at us”. It’s fascinating to see that connection.

Only one of my husbands figured out when I was feeling angry, hurt, sad, or violent that I was your three year old child. All I wanted was a hug. If anything negative was coming from me, it was that call for comfort, and he recognized that. He would pull me in tight and hold me till I felt better. It dispelled all of that negativity in me. Sometimes these negative outpourings are a cry for somebody to please just hold me, which is weird because the negative outpouring is off putting and pushes people away. You would think evolution would kick in and we would say “hey, I really need a hug right now”, but that can be really hard for someone that was severely abused when you are flooded with “fight or flight” chemicals.

For my three year old to be able to communicate it but not you who went through abuse as a child, is evidence that how we are treated as children continues on through our whole lives. 

Touch is a way to communicate how we feel. Skin is the receptor of emotional composition. We watch people be delicate and focus, get angry and destructive, get interested and seduce. It is as varied as sound, taste, or scent. A musician uses Sound Feedback to change tactile involvement with the instrument to get a variety of results. They press harder on a guitar string or adjust their lips on a reed. So do we, in relationships, use feedback from our partners to adjust our tactile, emotional, and communicative depth.

The human finger is so sensitive. What are we capable of distinguishing?

We are able to differentiate on a nanoscale. Friction and wrinkle wavelength were haptically explored on 16 surfaces in a research experiment. The lowest amplitude of distinguishable wrinkles was 10 nm.

Do you have sensitive touch? Whether it’s your fingers, neck, hip.

I do a bit, maybe on occasion, I’m a little sensitive under certain circumstances. I don’t know what you are referring to Ms. Rachel. When you are intimate with a partner and their fingers just barely graze your skin it creates goosebumps. Even when it’s a hairbreadth of distance between their finger and your skin. It’s like they are not even touching you but you can feel it all the more. But don’t get me wrong. I can be very sensitive but I am also a bit of a tomboy rumbling and tumbling out in nature. I’ve rode horses and fourwheelers where I had to be tough skinned. So sometimes I am not sensitive to touch. Hell, I’ve run into walls and table corners before without barely a reaction. It’s really about circumstance.

I dated this guy who was so territorial. I am clumsy. I have been my entire life. And I am white as a pillow. I bruise so easily and bruises show up pretty dark on me. He would get “so upset at all my bruises”. I am continually knocking into countertops, corners of tables, tripping over my own two feet. I am usually covered in bruises “waste down”. This guy was a little paranoid and jealous. He would inspect my body, finding all these bruises…”in the areas a man would grip me and bruise me passionately”…and I’m all like, dude…you have two rough and tumble kids that climb on me, wrestle me, climb trees with me, tackle me with their shoes on outside. Wtf. I got most of these from your kids!!! But this one here…that’s the kitchen table. And this one here…that’s the bathroom counter. I am clumsy as fuck. Now if you’re finding bruises on the inner thigh…I also would be a bit suspicious about that. That could be a warning sign, but that’s not where they are.

I’m notorious. There is this knob on the desk drawer at work that I hit my knees on three times a week. If my husband inspected me and found these bruises on my knees he’d be like “what are you doing?”. “Oh, honey I’m just turning in my chair too quickly and bashing the living hell out of my knee.” 

My fingers are sensitive to touch. I’m good at hobbies and crafts that are handmade. I’m getting old, I am getting blind. I can’t see anymore without my glasses, but I tell you, I can thread a needle by touch even though I am too blind to see the thread or needle.

Sensory receptors can be spaced close together or far apart. On your back they are far apart. On smaller fingers they are close together. Much like pixels in a photograph, each skin receptor is a pixel. The more pixels you have, the clearer the image. Each receptor sends “an aspect of the image” to the brain —  the more receptors per inch creates a clearer image. And think about what kinds of receptors we are talking about. Is this image going to be flat in our minds? No, we have receptors for depth, soft, heat, sharp, pain, distance, each receptor sending its unique information to the brain to be mapped into the image forming in our minds eye. It’s interesting that the distance between receptors helps convey distance in our mind. We feel shape, texture, and size.  

Touch is a direct way of creating a brain map of our world. We think this brain map is a visual representation in our minds of the object. But what if that object has a brain of its own and is capable of violence, love, compassion, or is completely selfish? Touch can be a brain map of the intent of another human being. Touch is a great way to find boundaries. To search out someone’s needs. To give someone the most loving intense orgasm of their life. To hurt someone.

Touch and the lack of touch conveys so much. If you are a touch person and your mate deprives you of touch, that shows their inner intent with you. (To, not give you what you need.) (You are not half of an equation.) If you are not okay with certain touch and they disregard that, it shows their inner intentions towards you.

If you continually ask for a certain touch and they won’t give it, that shows their inner intentions with you and the touch you are asking for shows your inner intentions with them. Are you asking for cuddles?

Are you asking someone to lay down and spread twice a week so you can jizzle a dot of spot inside them? Are you asking to be choked, stroked or provoked?

Some rape victims can feel the need to act out non consentual sex, “years after the attack” if they are in a safe loving relationship. It doesn’t mean they want to be raped. It can be a form of working out “in their mind” what happened. How to prevent it in the future. Look at it this way, if I am afraid of the strength of a man and I don’t understand or know the strength of men. Then role playing non consentual sex is a direct way to guage the strenght of men and my ability to thwart that. It puts my body and mind in a situation “that harmed me” before so I can analyze it over and over in real time to see what I can do about it. Not all survivors understand these desires to engage in that role play. They just know they want to do it. Vocalizing our needs and wants isn’t always possible if the unconscious hasn’t made itself known.

If you are being asked to do something neither one of you understands, by engaging in it, you might help enlighten the reasons why.

If your partner is curious about a sexual act, it doesn’t mean they will like or enjoy it. Sometimes curiosity is just that. “I’ve never tried that.” Sometimes that curiosity has nothing to do with what they are curious about and is all about their curiosity to find something you like so you will pay more attention to them.

“If I could just find out what makes him passionate then maybe he will be passionate with me.” I have had moments like that, testing waters to figure out new and less same old tired story love making. 

Sometimes what they are trying to find is your passion and they are willing to try anything and everything until they find it because passion can be fucking glorious and living the rest of your life without it can be soul sucking despite your mate being perfect in other ways.

Ideally, you would just be passionate for your partner. But if you are not…”the next best thing” can be finding out what makes you passionate and using that to get passion from you.

If you’re a spouse who never touches your touchy spouse “you need to be touching them”. 

Genders are different. Males and Female bodies harbor different hormones. Genders breed differently. One shoots out sperm. The other sucks up sperm, grows a baby, and shoots out an infant. Given that females grow and birth offspring, things are a little less complicated in the male pelvic region. It makes sense that females and males have different sexual needs and a good lover gets to know each new partner without relying on what worked for their last partner. This gets way more complicated when you throw brains into the issue with childhood traumas, and personal needs. Remember that just because it worked in the porno doesn’t mean it will please your partner either!

In the book Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf, Naomi gets into the nitty gritty history of vaginas and the types of people that want to control a vagina. Naomi also goes into the neuroscience of female desire. One of her readers exclaimed the book covers, “the whole story of why the vagina must be targeted and shamed in one big lie.”

Oxytocin, dopamine, and opioids released during orgasm are very specific chemicals which affect mood and our mind. Oxytocin produces bonding, caring and intimacy. Dopamine like cocaine produces confidence. Opioids produce ecstasy and transcendence. An abusive partner is not okay sharing or learning to give this kind of joy. They will control, abuse, and shame sexuality. Rape, sexual abuse, and abuse in general changes the way the mind functions.

In a safe relationship after having that wonderful “O” moment you may find yourself comfortable laying there sweaty and naked. In an abusive or unhealthy relationship you might want to cover up yourself “after he is done”. Or you might lie there awake and agitated since you didn’t get any release yet again. If you are a male listener I want to present a common scenario. He is done. He is exhausted. His brain has shut off. She is fidgety, trying to cuddle up, rubbing you. Why? Shouldn’t she be exhausted?

Only if she came.

Have you heard of the bartholin glands and ducts?

No. Just the Skene’s glands and ducts.

Wow. The female genitals has so many glands that produce lube which flows down their ducts directly to the area benefiting “sexual conduct”.

Crazy!!! Who knew???

These glands secrete lubrication when a woman is aroused. Physical stimulation and mental foreplay causes fluids to release from these ducts. Can you simply squeeze her glands to release the fluids?

No?

Correct. Physical stimuli alone won’t cause the fluids to release. It’s not like your eyeballs which are always full of liquid waiting to squirt. These glands are not like the testicals which are on a continual build/release cycle.

So what causes the glands to secrete fluids? Let’s ask our listeners? Maybe they know? Do you guys know what would cause these glands to secrete fluids?

Mental arousal releases these fluids. Might be why there is a whole genre of books that give women arousal just by reading the pages!

Sounds like she doesn’t need fondling. If she is horney “then she is mentally stimulating her own glands”. Sounds easy enough. She thinks I am hot therefore I don’t have to touch her. She should be a floodgate everytime she thinks about me or looks at me. “Bitch, behold my glory, now spread em.” Hell she should be so turned on by my mere presence her orgasm in iminent and will happen as soon as I penetrate her. And if I am not??? He just grabs a bottle of lube ready to jam that shit up inside of me dousing himself and me along with it. Boys gonna slide “the way he wants” without any work getting me there along with him. I actually had a boyfriend that told me to my face that his orgasm was his own problem and my orgasm was my own problem. “You need to figure that shit out on your own because it had nothing to do with me.”.

In the beginning stages of a relationship the build up for women is real. Unfortunately as you get to know a guy and he starts getting on your nerves the floodgate is more like a trickle.

Hell, for me, when enough time passes (as I’m getting to know him) “when he walks into the room”, my lady bits shrivel up, retreat up into my abdomen, and dry out like the sahara desert. It’s gonna take a lot of charm at that point to coax ‘em out, much less get a floodgate going. And when they reach for that bottle my mind turns immediately violent. For me, personally, it is akin to being raped. I’m not ready for sex if I’m not naturally wet and for a man to assume it’s okay to lube me up for his own personal gratification is ludacise. I am not the palm of his hand. I am a person.

I am having an epiphany. Men automatically build and need a release. That’s why their thing is always “doininginginging”. Women need to be thinking happy, sexual, “attraction” thoughts of wanting to be with the person. There are a lot of women who need a bottle of lube. For whatever reason, be it, she just isn’t that into him and those juices will never flow for him, if she has a chemical imbalance, if she is on medication that disrupts her hormones, if she is going through menopause and her body is all whacked out, if he has been pumping too long and her glands are like “help, I can’t produce any faster”, or if she just wants to get “it” over with as fast as possible so he will leaver her alone.

Men have it rough. Even without their brains involved they have a cycle of release that has to happen biologically. Then you throw the continual stream of sexualized media on top of that…no wonder they are always “so horn dog”.

If what a women is feeling during sex represents how many instruments are in the band then letting her know “the two of you will be engaging in sexual activity later that night” or right now, is like a one instrument song. She knows to put her boots on so she can brace herself. If he is romantic about the approach it is a dual instrument song. The boots will be changed for high heels. Everything a couple does to improve their sexual intercourse making it more intimate adds another instrument to the song. A full scale symphony orchestra consists of 100 instruments. How does a couple reach a hundred instruments?

Flirt during the day. Talk to each other.

Live to induce a romantic mentality. I’m not talking about purchasing flowers everyday on the way home from work. It shouldn’t cost a sum of money to be romantic. I used to pick a flower on the way to my favorite boyfriends house. I would pull the car over on the highways of los angeles under an overpass that had weeds and I would pick a flower for him. The look in his eyes. He was like: “oh god, what a pathetic little horrible flower, but I love you.”

Don’t just give each other the look. You all know that look. It’s been a long day at work. The kids are down. Meet me in the bedroom…look. Don’t get me wrong, those days are necessary. Those looks are important in the course of your relationship. But if that’s your life for years, then you’re gonna need a lot of lube.

Give attention to the sexiness of the skin. Our entire bodies are covered with receptor filled skin. We can feel both heat and pressure.

Touch is outside the body. Add instruments by diving into each other’s minds. What is a mental turn on. Find out. And “no” I am not asking you to find out if he likes playing Maid, Babysitter, or Daddy. I mean: Does he like it when you say his name? Does he like it when you look into his eyes?

I think I was 30 the first time I was brave enough to keep my eyes open during an orgasm. Mind Blown. What a different experience.

Are you complimenting him during the day? If he’s not complimenting you…are you complimenting him? My husband and I text throughout the day. We send each other x’s and o’s. In the morning while I am getting ready for work I will start an all day fun seduction technique where I lay my clothes out on the bed so he can see what I am going to wear. And my choices can be tantalizing undergarments only he knows about. That’s in the back of his mind all day. And mine. That rev’es some engines making him comment later in the day which in turn, gets me going. Insead of everynight being the same routine of “me horny, we have sex now”.

“You woman, lay down.”

We all have specific things that get us going. For me, certain songs get me moving and grooving. I like certain touches. Kisses on the neck. Ears nibbled.

Ears nibbled!!! Yes yes yes. Tongue shoved in ear while you slobber my ear hole full of slime?

Ewwww NOOO. What gets you flowing? What gets you in the mood and ready? What instruments do you like in your symphony?

 I also like a couple of texts during the day. Not overly sexual all the time. Sometimes I want sweet loving texts. “I can’t wait to have you in my arms” sometimes I like sexual texts but I want it to be about me not a generalized text. If he can remember something I did to him or if he mentions things I do to or for him that he likes. It shows me he pays attention and notices what I am doing and he likes it. He likes the me attached to the sex he is getting. That I matter. I am not just a warm hole. When I show up I want him to look me “in the eyes”. Like not just a glance. But a full body hug, swallow my soul, fall inside my eyeballs, kind of look. Some kind of a “wow, you’re here” feeling. I love that. That’s like, “ooh, hi”. And then I’m ready. I’m like, yeah, let’s do it. It doesn’t take a lot. I’m basically horny all the time. 

If you are a listener who doesn’t get what you need from a relationship “enough to get your engines revved” you could read a naughty little book or romance books. Just know that “it isn’t real”. And don’t do it to the point you live in a fantasy world “unless you find that healthy for yourself”. Most people find it unhealthy.

If you want to create music with a single instrument you will get a simple sound. If you want Beethoven’s symphony…more instruments will be required. It literally is all about “what you seek out of sex”. If you are fine with a chick laying on her back silent and placid then by all means, do not diddle, fiddle, or arouse her in any way. She will lie there and fake niceties for you. Might get a grunt or two out of her.

Women like attention. If that’s all you have in you, we’ll take it. 

It’s like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s good, I guess. If the only instrument you have is that old recorder from back in elementary school you learned how to play hot cross buns on…you might want to watch a romance movie or read a romance novel to pick up some new “up to date” adult techniques. Please don’t scroll through porn clips to get “up to date” on how to make a girl happy. There is a big difference between what gets you off and what makes a girl fall in love. 

What you are saying is” harness the spectrum of emotion” achievable through vibration using: choice of words, tone of voice, touch both light and rough, and musical choice?

Yes, it’s key actually

So, the intimacy in this experience lends significant weight to your lover’s response.

Correct. Your carefully chosen words, touch, and music guides her emotionally.

This makes the spotify playlist really matter, so choose accordingly. Research confirms music is capable of releasing dopamine in the brain.

Take note, there is the equal possibility of a negative physiological state being induced by the music, so it is really important to know this person. I would suggest having multiple conversations about scents she likes and dislikes. Because if someone sprayed patchouli in a room finding it sexy I would not be following their mood plan. Find out what songs have meaning and see what music she prefers during sexy time. It’s not fun having your lover thinking things you wish to avoid if the song is attached to meaning outside your relationship thus ruining the creation you were attempting. It’s worth mentioning the pre-existing link in our minds between music and past relationships. Find out if she likes slapping. Some women are not okay with fun, light, playful slapping. Some women do not like soft, light, touch if it feels like a tickle. Then match your touch to the music. So if she likes it firm and grabby you would choose more intense music. If she is a delicate flower that likes a soft gliding touch then choose spa music. Choose music new to both of you or try music without words. 

The more effort you put into the relationship the more you will get out of it. Think about your actions towards your partner. Each action is one instrument. Do you send her nice texts? Flirty? Loving? Sexy? That’s perfect. That is one perfect instrument. Each text is not a separate instrument. So you have one instrument.

Here is a list of things we consider instruments:

Texting during the day

Talking to her about your day or week when you see her in person

Having a picnic together

Taking a walk together

Going on a date

Bringing each other flowers

Writing each other notes about something you enjoyed with each other

When they are sick, taking care of them

Asking them if they need anything that day from you

Planning ahead

Talking about the future

Talking about upcoming holidays

Talking about upcoming meals, Hell planning a meal together and cooking together can be sweet and romantic

A lot of this calls for turning off the television, putting your phone down, and paying attention to each other.

Notice how none of this is sex and we count it as instruments in sexual incounters? We haven’t even gotten to the foreplay yet.

This leads me to A paper presented by Eric Gunther called Skinscape: A Tool for Composition in the Tactile Modality introduces a novel concept; haptics technology set to music, introducing the notion of tactile composition or aesthetic composition for the sense of touch. Much like the water fountain shows in vegas set to music and light or the fourth of july fireworks set to music. Eric composes intricate, musically structured spatio-temporal patterns of vibration on the surface of the body.

He held a series of concerts for the skin and eyes set to music. The sense of touch was used to “create sound” on the skin.

– I am curious if anyone listening would be interested in reading this research? Does it sound interesting? What do you think about creating art geared towards the receptors on our skin? Would you go to an art exhibit that hooked your entire body up to a concert suit? Write to us on facebook, twitter, or Instagram.

– Let’s take a quick Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

COMMERCIAL SPOT ONE (42:27)

Add “Two Beats”

** Resume Conversation: Play your lover like a guitar? No, play them like the whole damn symphony!

I read the paper by Eric Gunther. It was very erotic. I want to plagiarize it in a sense and rewrite it as a lover’s manual.

You’re going to read it right now?

Yes. And so are you.

Okay. How is this going down?

We are going to use sultry, sexy, seductive voices and plagerize this mother fuckers work.

I’m married.

It’s okay. You can play it for him.

I don’t think he wants me turning on randos in the universe.

Please!!!!!

Whatever, let’s just get it over with.

““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

“As a lover you are able to transmit: similar information across modalities. Take lust for example. One way to convey your lust to your partner’s brain is to use electric words while squeezing them tight and being firm with your grasp along their body. A second way is to move your body more than normal. Let your passion build and direct it towards your partner. Show them with your movements that your need is great. The intensity and variety of your body’s spatial location, the rhythm you use:  are ways to transmit lust to your partner. Remember to manipulate the visual display of your surroundings, atmosphere conveys lust if you carefully choose a playlist and light candles in a darkened room. Fresh clean sheets, your body just out of the shower, and flowers send a signal aromatically to her senses.

Explore word patterns. Feel out her lust. Find what quickens her pulse. Experiment with bold sentences you would never use in public, this relays interest, passion, and curiosity. Find her fantasies by gently exploring with a word here and there. Joke a little, be serious a little, force a little, submit a little. Monitor her response. Watch. Listen. Smell. Arousal changes one’s breath both in pace and scent. Hormonal release sites along the body’s length will change in scent as the glands jump to action.

Spatial location of your body to theirs conveys your understanding of tactile stimuli, transforming the observer’s sense of space on and around their own body. As this shift takes place, removing the mundane world from the sanctuary you are creating, you will both transcend to a new level of intimacy.  Auditory transference is affected by spatial location of both parties. Touch and sound combine in complex interactions affecting mood, emotion, thought patterns, loss of thought, blood pressure, and breathing patterns. Combine your tactile and auditory stimuli with tempo to map your mood down the length of their arms, back, legs and up their spine. A dance you can see if you listen.

Changes in elevation of your and their bodies cause a cascade of changes in their chemistry, which in turn changes the orientation of their senses, including their visual mapping. Imbue this change with sounds that match or enhance the cascade created. Brighten their sense of three-dimensional space by adding a tactile component that maps sound to heighten their body from head-to-toe. An interesting compositional technique is mapping different emotions onto different locations of the body. Create the illusion of an emotional orchestra distributed across the surface of the skin; the tympani against the back, the bassist on the left shoulder, the cellos on the elbows, the violins on the wrists.

`~External tempo synergistically generates internal tempo which contributes to the composition you are seaching for.

““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

“““““““““““““““““““`

Let music command its role in the perception of tactile composition. Focus on rhythm. Tone possesses tactile values. Stimulate her skin, follow the tones, lead her to you.  We speak of tone as hard or soft / rough or smooth. Low tones give the impression of intimacy; high tones are sharp, keen, or cutting. Sounds hint to their texture, timbre; express this with your touch.  Pay attention to suggestions between tone and tactile values. Play her senses.

Use the emotional potency of tactile composition coupled with music –  enhance, intensify, and expand the preexisting emotional elements of music. When your touch bonds these musical features to your lover’s body, the soul will recognize and melt into the beauty, evoking a body wide response similar to the musical counterparts. The composition of your touch can induce an emotional response similar to watching a dance, feeling a dance, then becoming the dance. A saltatory train of pulses traversing the body from hands to toe, with the observer seated at the side will feel noticeably different then the observer standing. As well, when lover’s arms are at side or positioned above their head. Each pose inducing a vulnerability of exposed areas to caress. Find her. Touch her. Feel her.  In rhythm. In tempo. Seek to build a passion in her that can only crash to earth from the heavens.

Adorn her body with the sensations of pressure, follow features and curvatures, linger on textures, take time to absorb the different thermal properties of each area, address all the ways to admire the softness, wetness, enjoy the slip, adhesion, friction, and vibration. Find the scent of each area exposed. The difference between her neck and stomach is subtle enough, only an artist can detect.

Enhance a brief stimulus with a second stimulus with greater intensity. Build up the tempo of touch and verbal imagery like repeating their name each time with more intensity as your bodies ride in rhythm. Try out each word to sculpt the cavern she feels most comfortable in. Must stimuli be presented alone? Broaden your mind. Take a step back. Survey the canvas before you. Glory in all its dimensional medias. Speak to her, find her, guide her, shape her, lead her to heights you seek knowing you can both go further if you go together. Swirl your words in and out with the music. Use your touch to enhance your words. Find the moments all three blend simultaneously.

  Dart up the arm with the slippery warmth of your mouth or cause smooth waves washing over the body from shoulder to toe with tickling gentle fingertips. Different patterns of motion must be sequenced and layered, resulting in a synergistic sum of movement on the skin. Duration of each smooth or rough touch defines the mental space and pace. Mind the adaptation of receptors and mind the sensitivity of repeated abrasion. 

Tension is the point. Resolution is the goal. Vibration in and across the surface of the body is the means. Concepts of departure and return should be crucially orchestrated with breathing, tempo, body arch, clenching, and moans..

`~The body is a dynamic, shape-shifting stage. Thus the posture of each lover comes into play in both the creation and experience of a tactile composition.

““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`

*   In a moment we will take a commercial break but first: Do you like soft or firm touch? What is your favorite way to be held during sex? What is the most connected you have ever felt with someone? What scents do you like in the bedroom? Do you prefer the lights off or candle glow? Who was your favorite lover? Do you prefer it when someone is not that into you or do you like deep connection? Do you believe there is always an imbalance between the level of attraction between couples? Are you equally attracted to your partne r as they are to you? Do you find yourself wanting more? Do you communicate effectively with your partner about what you need? If something was missing could you describe what that was? What gives someone the ability to connect deeply like this scenario? Can anyone do this or is this a special ability only a few people are capable of? Share with us on Tic Tok and Youtube.

– We are going to take a Commercial break, we will be right back. (wait 3 seconds) And we are back.

Commercial Spot two: (57:21)

Add “Two Beats”

*** Close the conversation

This holistic scenario took us on a tour of touch landscapes. It’s not for everyone and I imagine the types of people who will resonate with it also enjoy the song “your body is a wonderland”. This was our attempt to show how sensations can merge to form complex combinations.

Our main five senses do not operate independently. The brain and the central nervous system intertwine our visual, auditory, and somatosensory inputs. Which means the stimulation of multiple senses occurs simultaneously and you can take advantage of that when you are having sex.  The multisensory stimulation involved in audio, vocal, and touch paves the way for a host of interesting and compositionally valuable  perceptual phenomena. Like mind blowing sex. The feelings of transcendence. Feeling like you have entered heaven or a new dimension. Feeling like your perceptions were opened to something completely new. Practice, observation, communication, and experimentation are key to finding this new awareness.

The ability to bond and connect are essential to pair bonding with someone. Taking time to brainmap someone into your mind is important in order to reach these heights. Talking about “all the little things” plus the big things helps you understand your partner’s likes and dislikes. “Assumptions” can get you by but can result in years of misunderstanding. “Guessing” is a valid form of communication in today’s fast paced convenience society, but “actual conversations” based on sharing and listening gives better results. And don’t be harsh. Just because you told them once doesn’t mean they will remember. Which doesn’t mean they don’t care or love you if they don’t memorize every word out of your mouth. Be willing to repeat the necessities that are important to you. (Sometimes I am proud of myself for memorizing something. I find out later I got the information mixed up in the conversation and was doing something wrong for a while. Allow humans to be human. We all make mistakes and forget stuff. If it isn’t okay to make mistakes with someone you love then the world is a harsh place indeed.)

When you are exploring your partner’s body with new touches like tapping, scratching, pulling, and grabbing remember the skin can be sensitive in the beginning of arousal and dull in the midst of passion. Be careful not to over do something too soon. This happens relatively quickly on the skin and thus is an important psychophysical phenomenon to keep in mind while composing. And as passion mounts remember if she says harder, faster, more, it is because her threshold is moving as she builds. But when she finds a rhythm and isn’t building anymore and you know she is “so close”…steady wins the race. Don’t slow down, change position, or say anything distracting.

Share Audience stories/ideas

I would like to introduce next week’s episode. Episode 12: It was love, not a cult! Sometimes a relationship can feel like a cult. How do cults, drugs, religion, spirituality, and near death experiences affect relationships? The brain has designated areas for spirituality. In fact, spirituality can be measured, viewed in an fMRI, and turned up or down with a magnet. How does religion, spirituality, near death experiences, drugs, and cults affect your relationship?

We want you guys to submit your ideas/stories/and questions pertaining to next week’s topic. You can email us. Or, join our patreon. We want to hear from you. And if you got anything out of today’s episode give us some love, subscribe, and rate us.

Thank you so much everyone for listening. We love you. See you next week on Dating Hypothesis!!!

Music ends show